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Elderly parents
Original poster

How do you plan to take care of your DH's mum in her old age?

59 replies

Delectable · 15/06/2021 00:15

How does one properly take care one's elderly parent in England if you don't wish for them to be in a home?

I'm early 40s and my hubs is mid 50s. He has a brother and sister. He's the first and the one who does the most for his mum. His siblings combined don't do up to half of what he does for their mum. He has a deeply caring and dependable disposition. We got married 2yrs and are very happy. So much so a couple of times in the 1st year of our marriage my MIL was irritated by my husband being attentive and caring towards me. She has improved on this front.

We've been living in DH's flat as I moved out of mine after marriage.
We're looking to move to a house. We don't have kids yet but plan to. So ideally 4 bed house.

The crux is that my 87 Yr old MIL lives alone in the very large family house with a big garden. She has a gardener but my husband has to go down from London every other week to help with the garden and veg garden etc. She says she will never live in a home. She talks down on homes and negatively about her friends and family there. She says she'll like to live with us. My MIL wasn't happy when my husband informed her of me and then of us getting married cos of my race. Two years later we get on very well but I worry if her living with us will change the dynamic of my husband and I's relationship. We love eachother very much and get on very well.

Initially she said she'll like to live near us and is happy to move whenever we choose. We plan to buy within 20mins of the M25. She's in the West Midlands. Then it became a granny annexe. To be honest I don't mind. My mum passed away when I was quite young. I don't have close family in the country and I enjoyed having my grandmother come on long visits when I was younger. Ofcourse this is my MIL not my grandma.

I just wonder if I'm being terribly naïve and somehow things can change drastically if she had a granny annexe on our property. As I said, my husband is very kind and believes looking after family is the right thing to do. I'm of the same vein. However, I worry that my husband will end up being totally devoted to his mum if she lived with us. The way he puts it, "she's heavily emotionally invested" in him. She talks to him everyday, thinks the world of him (apart from marrying me) so much so on Christmas day last year his brother said if their mum could marry my husband she would. She smiled and briefly stated how even though he's so mentally talented ie very intelligent, he's an all rounder as he's talented in many other aspects of life too. Everyone knows she's his priced possession. I find it admirable and I'm glad my husband is who he is but at the back of my mind I wonder if it's a bad idea to have her live with us.

The truth is I don't think I would be comfortable with her being in a home. In my culture it's not the done thing. In my country of origin homes for the elderly are a rarity. Grandparents etc move in with their children and help employed for their care. However, labour is very cheap there. So you'll have a number of people on staff for domestics. However, things are much more costlier here and I worry that I don't fully understand how things work in the UK in that regard. I've lived here 14yrs.

How do you plan to take care of your DH's mum in her old age?

OP posts:
Hellocatshome · 15/06/2021 06:21

Have you changed some details in this because otherwise I think you need to sort out the kids issue pretty quick. To answer your question when it comes to me having to look after DH's Mum that will be entirely up to Social Services she is an awful woman and I will take no responsibility for her and neither will DH. But in your circumstances I would just let her live in a small bungalow/flat nearby and have carers go in.

Bagelsandbrie · 15/06/2021 06:18

@MrsTerryPratchett

We don't have kids yet but plan to.

Kids? And you're early 40s? And he's mid 50s? When are you planning these kids? Say you're 42, planning for a year, it takes six months average to get pregnant so at your age, with luck that a year, 44 and now pregnant. 45 with a small baby, wait a year at least, try again at 46. Really? And by now your DH is pushing 60.

I'm going to bet quite serious money that you won't have two and that you'll be so knackered with one that any caring role won't be possible.

I love my parents but I won't ever love with them again.

This.

It’s nice that your dh does so much for his mum but if you have children together you probably won’t feel the same way!

aramox · 15/06/2021 05:59

The standard route- most older people do not live in care homes- is to live 'independently',with visiting carers, funded by the person or, if they have no savings, by the local authority. Sensible parents downsize or move to supported housing. Living together does not sound like a great plan.

MrsTerryPratchett · 15/06/2021 05:57

We don't have kids yet but plan to.

Kids? And you're early 40s? And he's mid 50s? When are you planning these kids? Say you're 42, planning for a year, it takes six months average to get pregnant so at your age, with luck that a year, 44 and now pregnant. 45 with a small baby, wait a year at least, try again at 46. Really? And by now your DH is pushing 60.

I'm going to bet quite serious money that you won't have two and that you'll be so knackered with one that any caring role won't be possible.

I love my parents but I won't ever love with them again.

Mintjulia · 15/06/2021 05:55

I agree with FortunesFave, I think you need to focus on children now if you want to be a parent.
But honestly, I would not plan to move your MIL in. You will inevitably have different views on home and parenting. On appropriate relationships within the family. On boundaries.

My DM also refused to go into a home so she sold her house and bought a two bed bungalow about 5 miles away. As she became less active, we organised for her to have a cleaner and a gardener. Also a food delivery service, a home chiropodist and a home hair stylist, each on different days. They all had my number and knew to call if there was a problem.

That meant she had someone to chat to on most days. She didn't rely solely on family for conversation & interest. It gave her a reason to get up, dressed and tidy. With family visits as well, she was able to stay in her home until her last few weeks and was happy in her own territory. It won't work for everyone, but a good starting point.

joystir59 · 15/06/2021 05:48

Big no from me to having her live with you for all the reasons you've given op.

ChildrenGrowingUpTooFast · 15/06/2021 05:45

My MIL lived in an assisted living apartment nearby. I didn’t look after her and why should I? DH visited her and had lunch with her regularly. He took the children with him on days out. I only see her during Christmas or when we invited her for Sunday lunch. You said yourself you don’t get on with her.

sparemonitor · 15/06/2021 05:45

If you want kids you need to crack on given your ages. And I'd be making it clear to DH that if he wants to move MIL in, he'll be doing the caring.

FortunesFave · 15/06/2021 05:38

I don't want to get things wrong here...but why are you only 'planning' on having children if you're already in your early 40s and he's in his 50s?

Shouldn't you be getting that sorted now? And it brings me to my second issue which is when child arrives, (and I'm not being harsh but at your age and your DH's age, one might be it) then you may feel less easy going about MIL living with you.

Having a small baby or toddler AND an ageing MIL is no fun. I assume your DH works? If so, it will be YOU at home with MIL and a baby....

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