How do you plan to take care of your DH's mum in her old age?

Every time I read these mean spirited threads I am relieved I don't have sons.

I don't plan to look after her at all she's not my problem!
She has chosen to stay in a large house with a huge garden instead of downsizing to suitable accommodation, my partner works full-time and it's already feeling resentful at the extra time it takes to do her garden
Personally I think it's going to get ugly but she made her bed now she's having to lie in it!

We'll sell her home and buy something with a granny flat and I'll look after her. She's lovely and my kids will be gone by then.

To answer the crux of your question I don’t plan on being involved at all. My husband can be as involved as he likes but he’ll would freeze over before she’d move in with us.

I have given it literally zero thought . Very much in the same way my fiancé has given no thought to my mums care.

Your husband is in his 50s. Is it really sensible to still only be "planning" to have children. You're what? 42? 43?
It isn't realistic. It may happen, but it really is a very small chance when you look at the percentages.

Don't plan your life around the idea of having kids, as at your ages, it is naive.

If it is just the 2 of you, what would you like to do? If living with her is still a no in that circumstance, then you really should start planning how to handle her because a weekly or fortnightly visit may not he enough depending on how her health goes.

You are being naive, but not just about MIL.

Right now, it's just you and dh. If it stayed just you and dh (and this is the statistically likely outcome), would you prefer to live in a 4 bedroom house in the commuter belt? Or stay in a smaller house/flat in your current location?

Then MIL. You do not get on terrifically well with her, so no, she should not live in your home. Investigate other options.

I don't. Nor will I be caring for my own DM. Of course I will help organise what is needed, visit etc, like I do now, but actually caring / having either of them live with us? Nope.

Dissenting voice here. I moved my much loved mum in with us and it worked out fine to be a multi generational home. However we were all very close before she moved in. Yes, there were stresses but it was mitigated by her having carers twice a day, home adaptations, access to "dial2drive" service and her own activities away from home which helped massively.

Would I move my toxic MIL in? Not a chance in hell.

I don’t plan to care for mine, I already have a disabled child so I’ll be caring for them for the rest of my life, I wouldn’t be able to care for an elderly relative too.

There is a tipping point with a persons health and ability where the discomfort/risks/costs of staying home are outweighed by the 24hr care/safety/price of being in a care home esp if nursing care is needed.

If MIL does not match her responsibilities to her abilities then she will need help paid or family and neighbours. When it’s not sustainable then she may need to accept a care home.

I suggest you concentrate on your own life needs
And wants, she certainly is.

Do not have her move in. She can live nearby, and you can get cleaners, home helps, etc as needed. But being put in the position of living with and caring for this woman who has never liked you will wipe you out and probably end your marriage.

Your mother in law has a responsibility to make some decisions about her own future and the funding of it, planning ways to manage etc. It's not your job or your husband's job. There are many luxury flats for over 55s, fully independent, all facilities, some even have hairdressers and gyms. It's not at all 'going into a home'. She really ought to be considering this, selling a massive house sooner rather than later and taking some responsibility.

I don't - it's nothing to do with me

As people age their friends pass away, they are less able to go out and about and I found I became my DM's companion, entertainer, only other adult she saw regularly, friend - just everything really as her life became more restricted. The result is they want you there most of the time. And they want your attention most of the time. I don't blame her, life can be boring if you can't get out and about like you did. But I ended up quite anxious over it all and nothing was enough.

Also if someone is at the stage they need to be in a residential home, they will likely need a lot of care, that may not be easily compatible with either working, or looking after children full time.
It's not neglectful to for an elderly person to go into a home if their needs cant be met in a domestic setting. My DH spent the last months of his like in a care home. When he fell, I wouldnt have been able to pick him up by myself, he was incontinent (I dont know if I would have been able to change him,) , and unable to feed or dress himself.

A work colleague has her much loved DM living in an annexe. They're all on antidepressants now. She's quite vocal about the fact it isn't at all what she expected. Her DM is pretty mobile too with no dementia etc. But keeps on going while my friend and her DH now face a caring role Into their retirement.
Paid support services in old age are what we 'scrimp and save for' in old age. Not to rely indefinitely on busy adult DC with lives, jobs, stresses, health issues and families of their own.
My MIL has lived frugally all her life. Pots of money. She can start spending it.

There are alternatives available to "going into a home" and if your MIL can manage independently then she may well not need it. there are retirement flats or villages, sometimes with onsite medical facilities, or social areas, Sheltered or wardened housing or living independently and buying in help such as cleaning, meals, gardening and possibly personal care.

To answer your main question I have no plans whatsoever to be directly involved in supplying personal care services to my mother in law when she is frail enough to need it, and the assumption that I would is misogynistic.

She is wealthy enough to pay for carers to come in and support her if she needs to, and could equally pay for a regular gardener if she needs to (which is what your mil should be doing). When her savings run out she can sell the unnecessarily large 5 bed family home and move to a 2 bed flat and have plenty more money to spend on care.

Professional, highly qualified women in full time employment who are taking an active role in society and also bringing up their own children have enough on their plate. A default assumption that they should be expected to drop all those other commitments to become an unpaid geriatric nurse either for their own parents or even worse for their husband's parents is frankly offensive.

I wouldn't have her move in. You will end up being the odd one out in your own home.
I would live near her and if DH wants to visit daily he can.

Mmm I think you need to crack on with having kids if your in your 40s and hrs in his 50s.
If you were in your mid 30s I would say the same

Another one saying planning to have kids sounds very vague for early 40s, but perhaps you have been trying for a couple of years now and that’s the way you phrase it.

I think you need to think through what it means re your mil. Will you never have the living room just the two of you in the evening again? (I couldn’t do it). And even if it’s an annex will she still spend all day and evening in your main house? Can you handle these? If not can your dh say you have to sit in your own living room 3 nights a week? Or would that be impossible? (It is to be fair very awkward). Cooking shopping Etc etc.

Cultures where elderly people don't go into a home tend to be cultures which treat women pretty badly and expect them to do all the caring.