What steps do we 50 somethings need to take to avoid the situation many of us find ourselves with our elderly relatives?

It sounds morbid but if euthanasia was legal I'd rather have that than go through what my DGD did. Save, think of care plans, write down any wishes.

Gosh in my 50s… and still have a child in school!

Decluttering is a good one isn’t it. I’ve been on at my parents to declutter, even got them a skip at one point and tried to ‘help’. They just ended up not using it. However now in the pandemic they are downsizing, and I’m miles away and they are in a complete pickle about all the ‘stuff’ and feeling very overwhelmed. I can’t get there (plane ride away).

Also accepting getting cleaners/gardeners without all of this persuading. Honestly my parents really want me to stay, but it’s so dirty I end up having to Hoover and clean on the first day with my kids (who are quite needy of my time). It really puts me off going there. Drives me nuts!

• @ChocOrange1 , read up on deprivation of assets.* I think the thought here is about doing things early (eg 50s as OP said) and it wouldn't be deprivation of assets then for a fit and healthy person BUT I still don't think it's advisable, because if you did end up needing care, you'd be completely at the mercy of whatever care home was available - no private care, no real choice. I think once you're on the way to being unable to manage running your own home either yourself or with paid help it's the time to downsize. My dad is so stubborn, he has an empty house that he refuses to sell but he's not able to manage to live in it or look after it either, so we have to sort all that out as well as looking after him here.

And don't retire to the middle of nowhere where you know no one and services are scarce. In a rural county near me there is a real issue with the amount of elderly widowed people living in rural locations and with all family living far away. The services can't cope and it can be very hard for people to even find cleaners and carers to hire.

I think the main thing is accept when you need paid help. And accept when you need a hearing aid.

And if you give your house away to your children to avoid it being sold for care, it won't be accepted as truly given away unless you are still paying a market rent to live in it. If you live in it for free it will be deemed as a scam and you will still have to pay for your care.

I am in my fifties and no way am I ready to accept that I need to move in preparation for being very elderly. I will be working for at least another 10 years. If I can manage to work full-time then I am sure I can manage to live in a house with stairs.

This is so difficult because everyone says they don’t expect their children to care for them and say things like “just put me in a home” or nonsense like “just shoot me” but of course, when it comes to the crunch, everyone wants to stay in their own home and to have help from family not strangers.

Also, how hard it is to give up your family home to move into ‘sensible’ accommodation. I read an article recently about ‘bungalow legs’, where people’s physical deterioration is accelerated by moving into accommodation without stairs too soon. So hard to pick the right time.

On top of all the advice from PPs about wills and finances, I would say, keep active, keep connected with friends and your community, get IT savvy, and don’t put off paying for help (cleaner, gardener, carers etc).

Advance directive. And have THAT conversation and put it in writing about exactly how you want to be treated in various health scenarios. Eg if you had cancer, do you want all any treatment? A pacemaker? Antibiotics for every infection etc etc.

When people start telling you your memory is failing BELIEVE THEM.

Put your house in your children's names so it won't be sold to pay for your care

Don’t do this, it’s absolutely shameless and torrid advice. Unless your kids are going to provide your care so you wouldn’t be needing government support, it’s cheating the system. It may also be classified as fraud in some cases, particularly where care needs are anticipated.

If you do end up needing care, your children will also benefit from you having good quality care and most importantly, options over what you want.

Accept that you will have to stop driving at some stage, give your children permission to tell you when the time has come, abide by their advice, and make sure you are living somewhere you can access public transport/afford to pay for taxis. Ditto looking after your finances.

Recognise that paid for care is substantially better than state-funded care and be prepared to sell your home to pay for it.

Tell your executors/relatives where the will is. We spent a merry week hunting for the will, only to find lots of notes from elderly relative to himself reminding him to tell us! He hadn't actually told us but luckily we found it!

@PortMerrionCentre there is a carry over for downsizers, see the drop down on this Which page www.which.co.uk/money/tax/inheritance-tax/inheritance-tax-property-changes-asy688s1j5zj

Oh yes. If you're planning to marry someone to whom you can't be honest about what you want to happen re inheritance, you probably shouldn't marry them.

I think the best thing you can do is set up a single page spreadsheet with your bank account details including sort code, direct debit list, utility companies account numbers, life insurance, pension details, any stocks/shares/premium bonds including numbers and where certificates are stored. Combinations for safe. Password for computer where document is stored.

Clear out your garage, spare rooms and declutter.

As well as a will for finances, leave a letter for each child stating which bits of jewelry and personal effects is reserved for them. Photos good here.

If you have pets specify who you want to care for them (obviously agreed in advance with said person).
Vets used.

Details of if you want burial or cremation and where specifically.

Be honest about what you really want. Everything gets really difficult if you aren't honest with yourself and your family. Very bad if it causes a family row - maybe write it down/email if you can't do it face to face. It can take a while to work out what you want so don't be afraid to take that time.

DON'T use a will as a weapon. Ever. Don't expect that your later wives/husbands will 'do right' by the children of your first marriage; if you want something to happen, lawyer up. And don't tell multiple members of the family that they will get the precious heirloom.

Talk about what you want to happen if you become seriously ill or have an accident. Make sure everyone knows what your wishes are.

Problem with downsizing: DH & I can leave a £million house to our children tax free.
If we downsize we lose the benefit of that exemption for leaving your home to your children, and IHT is payable on anything over £650000.

Don't put your house in your children's names just to avoid paying for care. Quite apart from deprivation of assets, if one of your children were to divorce, the ex could end up owning your house.

Declutter and keep on top of house maintenance. My parents are in their late 70's and it's going to cost thousands to get on top of my dad's hoarding and make their house saleable!

choc so who will pay the possible many thousands for your parents' care then, just so you get your inheritance. Me??!

I agree with everything previously suggested. My DP's lived in the same house for 53 years and hardly ever threw stuff out. That was one hell of a clear out we had to do when they had both died and we had to sell the house. I swore that I would not leave a job like that for my DS.

Trying to dodge paying for care doesn't work - and with the financial state of this country, don't even think about it.

Advance directive, LPA for both finance and health decisions. Get rid of stuff and stop buying!

Watching with interest. I'm in my 50s with parents in their late 70s and I suspect I'll downsize before they do.