What steps do we 50 somethings need to take to avoid the situation many of us find ourselves with our elderly relatives?

But life's not fair. And if you're moving into care you're simply swapping one home to another. You don't need the former. You shouldn't suddenly have all your electricity, heating, lighting, food, council tax, decor, cleaning etc etc paid for by others indefinitely.
Very many people in care haven't got dementia. They're had strokes, heart attacks, Parkinson's, osteoporosis. They all pay, if they can afford.

My granny moved into her completely refurbished "forever home" in her 40s and did very little to it for the next fifty years by which time it was crumbling around her.
My parents are determined that they will stay in their longtime marital home but have at least brought it up to date - new roof, new boiler / heating system, up to date electrics, new windows, downstairs shower room etc - and they have enough room that they could live downstairs and have a carer living upstairs. There's a heck of a lot of clutter / and knickknacks though; it will be a HUGE job to sort it all out when the time comes.
All their paperwork is in good order too.

Lots of good ideas here.

Look at your life and work out how you would be self-sufficient if you couldn't drive, couldn't manage stairs and couldn't walk more than 10 min for bus.

Doesn't need to be a retirement bungalow, just something with downstairs toilet/shower.

If you have the money, get yourself in the habit of fortnightly having a cleaner, gardener and taking taxis now so its not so you're used to people helping if you need carers.

If you do have pension savings don't be tight with them, e.g. FIL had always run new cars, but won't pay for a taxi from hospital after eye surgery 3 miles away, family member has to take time off full-time job to get him.

My parents downsized from a 5 bed to a small 3 bed in their early 60s and did a huge clear out. They are both still healthy and working but they say the relief of knowing they got rid of 30 years of junk is huge.

Good points above. This won’t be for everyone but I plan to speak with my doctor about end of life wishes. I haven’t done it yet but I am planning to have on my medical records that I would like to choose assisted suicide at an early stage of dementia. I don’t want to live through advanced dementia if I am unlucky enough to get it (but lucky enough to live that long :-)) but it is very difficult to make this decision once diagnosed with dementia since by then obviously you can be classed as not if sound mind.

Vote to pay more taxes so that it's easier and normalised for elderly people to get help and support that they need to live independently and then have desirable care homes for when they don't

Think about what you want to do when you can’t cope.
Unfortunately my MIL initially refused care and absolutely refused a care home. She expected her children to do everything.
We had to get SS involved to force carers onto her after her causing lots of trouble. She really should be in a care home, she’d have a much better life, and that also will be forced upon her soon.
The whole experience has been excruciating and a battle. It’s going to be the lasting memory when she’s gone unfortunately.
So think about how you will get food when you can’t go yourself, who will maintain your garden and home, if you’ll have carers or not, how do you feel about a care home, and let your family know.
Absolutely get rid of your crap, move somewhere suitable for old age, have a low maintenance garden.

Put your house in your children's names so it won't be sold to pay for your care. - this is a loophole I suspect the Government will very quickly close.

choc so who will pay the possible many thousands for your parents' care then, just so you get your inheritance. Me??!

Don't start that argument. It's grossly unfair that Child A receives an inheritance of several hundred thousand pounds because their parent died of a heart attack or cancer, whereas Child B receives nothing because their parent died of dementia. Or to put it another way - who pays for your hip replacement or cancer treatment so your child gets their inheritance? - me.

Discuss funeral plans. Both my adult dcs and dh know I am to have a direct cremation and where I'd like my ashes.

We have our house as tenants in common rather than joint tenants and wills have a clause saying the other gets to keep the house until death. which is supposed to mean they can only take into account half the value of the house for care costs purposes. - Ah, I see. When person A goes into care, house is still safe because person B is still living in it. If person B then dies, whole house normally becomes available to fund A's care. But in this case B's share would have passed to children.

Problem might arise if B then needs care - since B is still receiving the benefit of the full house, LA may regard it as deprivation of assets.

*geriatrician

Really interesting discussion on ageing - and how we delude ourselves if we think we can prepare for it - between writer Lionel Shriver and consultant geratrician- on Radio 4 last week

Also be prepared to understand that care at home isn't really a good option and companies are out there to make money.

My mil is 93 and owned her own home. We managed to sort everything out when she was in her early 90s and it didn't take long to sort out selling her house so she could pay for her care.

It's very expensive si be prepared for that 5k a month.

Age UK do a really useful free booklet called the Life Book for collating all sorts of information and wishes. I must get round to filling mine in!

I'd never heard of 'bungalow legs' but it makes perfect sense. Widens my remit for a downsizing home!

I too still have dcs in school so it's all a way off for me. However as a LP I've already made lists of account numbers/utility providers etc which I regularly update as should they worst happen it will be easier all round.

I'm anticipating dealing with my parents being a nightmare. Total head in the sand re their living arrangements and health. I'm not leaving me dcs with the same.

My DPs (88 & 90) downsized to a small terrace house but with three stories (& a cellar) they are still, just about, able to manage the stairs .

Agree with the decluttering, very clear instructions about the Will & financial arrangements - check you know where birth certificate is etc. Every year I have a 'review' with my DM to make sure I know where everything is.

We (DB and I and spouses) discussed the tenants in common thing with my parents over their house and decided against. Partly because we didn't think it was right to avoid paying care fees and partly because we didn't want the complication of each part owning half of the surviving parents house and the potential for fallouts over paying for maintenance, selling it if the second parent needed care etc.

Sort out sentimental bequests.

My DGM promised a particular piece of jewellery to me when I was small. 40 years later, when she died, I was living on a different continent, hadn't even seen her for a couple of years, & it turned out DGM had given this item before her death to a younger cousin of mine (also her dgd) who had been regularly visiting her.

Absolutely fair enough. DGM & I were not especially close, & she quite reasonably preferred my cousin.

But there was, it turned out, a line in her will leaving me this item along with some money. I had no problem at all with the fact that she'd obviously changed her mind, given the jewellery to my cousin & not subsequently updated her will, probably because she'd forgotten all about it. Poor cousin was embarrassed & wanted to give the item to me, which of course I didn't accept.

All fine except her will was positively littered with references to items like this, that she'd willed &/or promised to various family members but then given away during her lifetime to other people. Hurt feelings all round.

Plus some of my uncles are assholes. Last seen STILL arguing over fugly Edwardian furniture & worthless stamp collections that had somehow ended up with the 'wrong' dgc...

So, one priority I have is to give away trinkets etc whilst I'm still here.

If you want a church funeral, write down which hyms you want.
If my late mother hadn't done this, my sisters would STILL be arguing about what to use...