What steps do we 50 somethings need to take to avoid the situation many of us find ourselves with our elderly relatives?

Some people do seem ready to give up the ghost as soon as they can't do something like go running. Very depressing attitude to life.
I do understand people wanting a lift rather than getting a taxi. It is scary having surgery, so getting a lift is about reassurance as much as anything. I have always got a lift from family when I have been in hospital.
My FIl refused to have anyone in to help, even a cleaner. We ended up saying that is your choice, but we will not do it anymore. If you want help to find someone we can help, but we are not cleaning anymore. Within a month he had a cleaner. Sometimes you do have to force the issue.
Another issue can be that as people's sight gets worse, they no longer realise how bad their house is. We had this issue with my grandmother. She was still perfectly mobile and capable of cleaning, but her sight was poor and although she thought her house was clean, it was not.

Fuck me! I’ll be 70 the year after next and I’m far from ready to leave the party. Life is wasted on some people.

70? You really think 70?
Is there not a good argument for saying that 80 is the new 3 score and 10

Honestly? My view is unpopular but I intend to get medical help until I am 70 and then let nature take its course and just go for palliative care. That's because I have seen the painfully slow deterioration into dementia and bedbound years of family members in their 80s who had illnesses that should have taken them naturally in their 70s but were hauled back to life by medical interventions only to have this imo crueller demise.

Our generation has witnessed this. It is up to us to ask for DNR if we get a heart attack in our 70s or to ask just for palliative care for cancer. I think the human body has a reasonably efficient way to cease life and if that is overruled and constantly tampered with, its secondary methods are horrific for everyone concerned.

I have told my DC that I want to be DNR after age 70 and they have asked me to put it in writing.

But life isn’t fair.. There simply isn’t a bottomless pit of money and the state shouldn’t be funding everyone’s care while people inherit assets. My MIL has just died. She was in a care home for six years. It’s eaten up 90% of her estate. While Is have loved a few hundred thousand in inheritance at this point (having lost a long term job and good salary to Covid), I see that that money funded a safe, happy, caring care home for her, and that was priceless. My friend’s mum ended up in a state funded care home and it was nowhere nesr as nice as where my mil was. I know which I’d choose...

This ignores the time spent caring for a parent with dementia BEFORE they go into a care home, a time when relatives sacrifice their own lives to manage everything for their parents with no thanks or compensation, when they actually save the NHS millions of pounds managing symptoms from a medical illness. These are the families that don’t inherit anything and have given everything. Life’s not fair, what a shame we refuse to do anything to change this?

Having cleared out my parents house last year and now dealing with MIL who's 90 and refusing to even talk about her death I will do the following:

1. Have a funeral plan in place, with each of my children aware of my plans (Not so D SiL will no doubt decide she's in charge of that as well and not involve DH in any of the planning)
2. Have an up to date will in place with a solicitor as executor.
3. Clear out as much stuff from my house as possible well in advance so the DC don't have that job
4. Move to suitable accommodation sooner rather than later - whether that's nearer them if they're happy with that, or sheltered accommdation or whatever
5. Make sure that all my DC have an equal say in my affairs - I will absolutely not give control to one of them and leave the others out. It creates potential for ongoing family fall outs and a lot of upset. I'm looking at you, evil SIL.
6. Ensure I have a good pension in place
7. Look after my health - keep as fit and as slim as I can.
8. Recognise I'm ageing and that I will need to have my affairs in order. Speak to my lawyer and accountant and take their advice.

FIL had always run new cars, but won't pay for a taxi from hospital after eye surgery 3 miles away, family member has to take time off full-time job to get him
Why is the family member letting him get away with this ruse?

I'm anticipating dealing with my parents being a nightmare. Total head in the sand re their living arrangements and health
Same here but I have my own health issues and problems so I'm just going to say 'sorry, I'm not in a position to do anything' and leave them to it

It frightens me too esterwin. I’m in my 50s. I think my parents will be the last generation with good pensions and healthcare. My generation might hopefully scrape through with most forms of care available, but future generations will struggle. But most people don’t seem to care, they just think about themselves and what they personally get now, today.

My dad is so stubborn, he has an empty house that he refuses to sell but he's not able to manage to live in it or look after it either, so we have to sort all that out as well as looking after him here
If you stopped enabling him he would be forced to sell, I appreciate it's easier said than done but even so....

[quote esterwin]@MereDintofPandiculation I thought it was clear that I was talking about deprivation of assets. If you try and give away a house you are still living in and not paying a market rent, it is seen as deprivation of assets. Councils tend to pursue this quite vigorously.[/quote]
@esterwin As far as I am aware deprivation of assets is not illegal, in the sense that the elderly person won't be taken to court on a charge of deprivation of assets and fined or given a prison sentence. But you are absolutely right that Councils are getting ever more vigorous in pursuing deprivation of assets and looking back quite a few years. If they believe there has been deprivation of assets, they can do the financial assessment as if the assets were still in the possession of the elderly person - annoying when the house has been transferred in name only to the children -it can still be sold - very difficult if the house has been sold and used to fund a series of expensive holidays so there literally is no money left.

There is a specific downsizing exemption to prevent people from staying in unsuitable accommodation just to save IHT written into the residence nil rate band rules.

Do you have any more detail on this please because we have this potentially with my mum, my brother doesn't want her to downsize for this reason and she listens to him far too much (though not exclusively, she has me as LPA and executor of her will because she knows he won't do things properly).

@Honeyroar that frightens me because it is no0t realistic. Most people spend on healthcare is either as babies or elderly. If you are very young you could take out insurance to cover your whole life. If you are elderly you are fucked. Healthcare is very expensive when you are elderly and need to stay in hospital. If I had to pay for my own healthcare I would have to resign myself to dying young from a treatable disease I already have.

The way we’re going we probably will end up funding some of our health care costs in the future imo. 😞

Re the not going into a bungalow because of bungalow legs - I think a bungalow is better because I’ve had a few incidents lately of parents/relatives falling on the stairs - a few involved hospital visits or stays. So they worry me a bit. I guess the ideal is a safe environment with no stairs, but encouraging the elderly to still take walks and keep as fit as they can.

If you were to rent a single room in a house with all meals included you would not be paying massive bills for this. The bulk of the cost is the cost of carers.

There simply isn’t a bottomless pit of money and the state shouldn’t be funding everyone’s care while people inherit assets. By the same token you could say that the state shouldn't be funding healthcare while people inherit assets.

With most things we spread the risk via insurance or via tax. Why shouldn't elder care be the same?

And if you're moving into care you're simply swapping one home to another. You don't need the former. You shouldn't suddenly have all your electricity, heating, lighting, food, council tax, decor, cleaning etc etc paid for by others indefinitely. Most people don't pay £50,000 a year for living costs. I've no problem with the idea of paying a similar amount to my current living costs. Ive no problem with taking out an affordable insurance, or paying extra tax for something I may never need to use, provided everyone else of similar means in my age groups is also paying.

And if you're a self funder in a home that takes LA funded people, they're not just asking you to pay your own costs, they're also demanding that you should make a contribution to someone else's costs.

@MereDintofPandiculation I thought it was clear that I was talking about deprivation of assets. If you try and give away a house you are still living in and not paying a market rent, it is seen as deprivation of assets. Councils tend to pursue this quite vigorously.

I agreed to be an executor for a will on the basis that the relative told me where they kept the will.
My DP has a drawer with a file in it saying VIP documents. Everything is kept there such as wills, marriage certificates and passports.
Make a will and tell someone what you want for your funeral. Even write it down. It is tough when grieving to organise a funeral when you have no idea what the person wanted.
I would say the most important thing is to enjoy your life where you can. Don't put off doing anything you really want to. And don't put off telling people close to you how much they mean to you.

Unless you then pay them a market rent, on which they pay tax, this is illegal. Putting your house in your children's names is not illegal, how could it be? However, giving it to your children when your need for care is foreseeable is "deprivation of assets" and the LA will carry out any financial assessment as if the house were still in your possession. And if you don't pay market rent to live in it for tax purposes it is a "gift with reservation of benefit" so it will be regarded as part of your estate when you die, and inheritance tax may be liable on it.

I think the main thing is being open to needing help when the time comes. And not expecting your adult DC to care for you as you don't want strangers in the house. The fact you are thinking about it already shows you will not be making this hard on your DC unnecessarily.

Obviously the practical stuff like paperwork is important. And making sure that those who need to know can find it.

Put your house in your children's names so it won't be sold to pay for your care. - this is a loophole I suspect the Government will very quickly close. LAs are alert to deprivation of assets and will look a long way back. If they decide it was deprivation of assets, they will carry out the financial assessment as if the home were still in your parents' name.

Also agree that those who do this all too early do seem to age mentally. I am in my fifties and have friends with children at school and working long days. I have two friends who have both retired and are preparing for old age by decluttering and considering bungalows. They both seem much older than they are in terms of attitude.

Also interesting what someone said about keeping healthy. Yes if you need care for 20 plus years, life will be more difficult. But I think the people who get the best care at the end of their life are people who die young. I have had people close to me die in their fifties and early sixties. They got loads of help as peers were still healthy and able to give lots of help. If you live till a very old age, there are less people around to help and there may be nobody. Not that I am advocating dying young, but I do not think there are any simple solutions.