What steps do we 50 somethings need to take to avoid the situation many of us find ourselves with our elderly relatives?

I hope you don't mind me commenting. I'm early 40s and my hubs is mid 50s. He has a brother and sister. He's the first and the one who does the most for his mum. He's caring and dependable generally. We got married 2yrs and are very happy.

We've been living in his 1 bed flat and I moved out of my 2 bed after marriage.

We're looking to move to a house. We don't have kids yet but plan to. So ideally 4 bed house.

The crux is that my 87 Yr old MIL lives alone in the very large family house with quite a big garden. She has a gardener but my husband has to go down from London every other week to help with the garden and veg garden etc. She says she will never live in home. She talks down on homes and negatively about anyone there. She says she'll like to live with us. My MIL wasn't happy when my husband informed her of me and then of us getting married cos of my race. Two years later we get on very well but I worry if her living with us will change the dynamic of my husband and I's relationship. We love eachother very much and get on very well.

Initially she said she'll like to live near us and is happy to move whenever we choose. We plan to buy within 20mins of the M25. She's in the West Midlands. Then it became a granny annexe. To be honest I don't mind. My mum passed away when I was quite young. I don't have close family in the country and I enjoyed having my grandmother come on long visits when I was younger. Ofcourse this is my MIL not my grandma.

I just wonder if I'm being terribly naive and somehow things can change drastically if she had a granny annexe on our property. As I said, my husband is very kind and believes looking after family is the right thing to do. I'm of the same vein. However, I worry that my husband will end up being totally devoted to him mum if she lived with us. The way he puts it, "she's heavily emotionally invested" in him. He talks to him everyday, thinks the world of him (apart from marrying me) so much so on Christmas day last year his brother said if their mum could marry my husband she would. She smiled and briefly stated how even though he's so mentally talented ie very intelligent he 's an all rounders as talented in many other aspects of life too. Everyone knows she's his priced possession. I find it admirable and I'm glad my husband is who he is but at the back of my mind I wonder if it's a bad idea to have her live with us.

The truth is I don't think I could have her be in a home. In my culture it's not the done thing. In my country of origin homes for the elderly are a rarity. Grandparents etc move in with their children and help employed for their care. However, labour is very cheap. So you'll have a number of people on staff for domestics. However, things are much more costlier here and I worry that I don't fully understand how things work in the UK in that regard. I've lived here 14yrs.

How does one properly take care one's elderly parent in England if you don't wish for them to be in a home?

If you don't have children, you need to appoint someone (a relative or solicitor normally) to look after your affairs if you can't yourself or when you die. Needs to be a lot more details than those with children

Move to housing which is suitable for limited mobility and having in home carers before you get to the physical and mental ability threshold where you can't manage it yourself. A larger 3-4 bed house on 2 floors gets too much to clean etc too, whereas a 2 bed bungalow/flat can be far more manageable. Recognise that in older age the situation can change quickly, many of us have had to scramble for care home places following an extended hospital admission during which there's unexpected complications

Let all your wishes be known but also let your family know you trust them to do what's in your best interests.

She even mentioned dementia. And "It is up to us to ask for DNR if we get a heart attack in our 70s or to ask just for palliative care for cancer". Not just "over 70" but over seventy with a diagnosis.

So, unless you think dementia only starts after, say, 90 (and you'd be wrong on that) then you are basically saying the same thing. For some reason you've specified dementia, but other terminal illnesses are available.

Personally, even at 53, I've already decided I would only have palliative care for a cancer diagnosis, and I have had to face these thoughts recently as I was investigated for bowel cancer. That does not mean life is wasted on me.

Bruceandnosh agree! My ma had left notes on hymns and music and readings - helpful.
She’s also left a note of who to invite to her funeral. It dawned on me when going through her address book trying to cobble together a list and I kept thinking ‘what’s that ‘F’ next to all the names I know to choose? Loved her for that. Thanks mum.

We don’t think the same at all. How is “over 70” the same as “following a diagnosis of dementia”? Frankly, you’re right, I don’t give a rat’s arse if you think I’m rude.

She should have refused treatment for every minor infection she's had for the last 14 years?

Where has anyone said that everyone should do this after she 70? This is something that poster said she would do for herself, she doesn't say anyone else should do it.

Also, she was very clear that she meant major ill health, not minor infection.

You're clearly not sorry that I found your comment rude. It is very rude to diss other people's choices that have zero impact on you by saying life is wasted on some people.

Some great ideas on this thread. One that came to mind for me is discussing ill health and death across generations, normalize discussing changes with paid help and funeral plans with the idea that these things are part of life admin.

There are a few posts on older relatives refusing to discuss things, but sometimes it's the younger ones who don't want their older relatives talk about it. I've had that a few times with family members who had a terminal diagnosis and suddenly wanting to talk about it beyond 'put me in the wheelie bin' but other family members wouldn't hear it or kept delaying it because 'it can wait 'til after the holidays' (sadly, death didn't wait) or 'we need to arrange when the kids aren't around' (in this case it was nearly secondary age children and a very obvious illness) or other stalling tactics.

It's understandable, but so so hard when the older person wants to talk about with a group so they can feel everyone is all on the same page, but doesn't have the personality or energy to press against other family members who are uncomfortable talking about it 'yet'.

My mother finished chemo and radiotherapy at 81. Still very much around and with-it at 83.

That was using pp statement of £50k a year. Some will be more, some less. But once your finances drop below the threshold the state step in.
The actual figures are less relevant than the argument you should pay, rather than stockpile money otherwise doing nothing simply to pass it on.

£136 and the rest. That wouldn’t get you over the step of a care home here.

Mere so knowing the 'rules' and knowing that if you have money or assets and choose not to spend it, but save quite significant amounts instead and have it sit there doing nothing knowing it would be used to pay for care, that's the choice and the risk you take.
It's a gamble as to whether you'll need residential care of course, but you know the rules you takes your choice.
And 'care' is expensive. £136 a day for 24/7 care on tap including all insurances, bills and food etc. £5.60 an hour. My nursery fees cost cost more per hour 18 years ago, and that didn't include paying people unsocial hours.

Yes, can't stress this enough.

It is easier to plan if you have a slow gradual decline. Some people do. But some people have a sudden decline that means they can go from hill walking one weekend, to struggling to walk the next weekend. That is much harder to plan for, especially as it can happen at 50 or 90 years of age.
And people do recover. The neighbour I used to know who was doing everything without any help in her mid-80s, also had cancer in her early 60's and it was fully cured. She seemed very frail and ill in her 60's, but fully recovered.
Life is full of risks, you can't avoid them all.

I know all of that @VanGoghsDog. So sorry you think it rude to say what I think. Giving up on life when you could easily have another 20 (dementia free) years with the right health care seems bonkers to me. If she’d said palliative care only following a diagnosis of dementia I’d completely get it - but after 70? My dad had another 26 years of foreign holidays after his 70th birthday!

I have a friend who's 84 and still running marathons. She should have refused treatment for every minor infection she's had for the last 14 years?

My parents are late 70s and generally well, still managing their large house and garden independently (although they have started to think about downsizing, again, where to?). I'm very greatful Dad was able to have a very swollen infected ankle treated and that mum's high blood pressure is kept under control.

I guarantee you feel differently by the time you're 69.

Agreed. Where I live bungalows are in very short supply and expensive. And here most are bought by developers and conveted into flats. Downsizing for most people means moving into a smaller property, not a bungalow.

I'd dearly love to downsize, but having spent a lifetime aiming to move to a nicer area and attached neighbours, I'm not.going back to a terraced house in a grotty part of town for my old age.

Where is all the small, easy maintenance property, close to amenities and bus routes in a reasonabkey nice area? There's nothing here at all. The few remaining bungalows are on large plots (so not that suitable) and in any case get snapped up.by developers and made into 5 bed houses.

Our deepest instinct is to survive at all and every cost, as we become cognitively weaker we have less and less insight and so instincts prevail... I think this is how it works

Me and DH are currently looking for a 2nd property here in the UK. We are only looking at accessible ones with no steps

I want harsh interventions at 70. My father who is older than 70 has had a successful heart operation. A neighbour has leukemia and has chemotherapy every few years to keep it at bay. My FIL had a stroke in his seventies and almost completely recovered.
Some harsh interventions are fairly common. And these people walk about amongst you living their life.

I already have an advance decision which is similar and I'm only 53.

It's really unfair to diss people's decisions on this and say things like *life is wasted on some people", so rude.