What steps do we 50 somethings need to take to avoid the situation many of us find ourselves with our elderly relatives?

@Mxflamingnoravera - just to add to previous post - obviously the legal and financial things are important - but I will reiterate - I shall never forget the days ( after the days DSIL took ) clearing out DPil's house .I have been decluttering like merry hell since then . I did it ( clearing DPIL's house ) because 1) DH and his sister were in full time jobs and other sibling lives abroad. They went and took anything meaningful they wanted.

So being retired I said I would go and sort it out. By goodness it took a while and also I think DSIL may have not liked to see DMil's various crockery , kitchen stuff , books , things in the attic which came out at Christmas , ornaments , computers & lots of cables because DFIL thought "they would come in handy) furniture etc etc and so much other stuff which all siblings remember as their parent's "stuff" etc it took 3 days to empty the house, I did it because as an in law & more time on my hands it seemed to be the obvious thing. ( and to be fair I found it poignant and did shed tear - I think Dsil would not have liked to see her parent's things being just shoved into the various bags they use for different waste.

I tried to give stuff away to charities etc - it was not easy

So the one lesson this taught me ( or indeed a resolution ) is that if you have children , keep on top of stuff & keep what you need or love or enjoy because clearing out a whole load of stuff which no body cares about is expensive and takes lots of time but is very poignant and sad at the same time

Am pretty good at getting rid of stuff so not much more to do there, Am in a bungalow at the moment but garden is massive. Thinking of moving soon. Don't really have anyone to sign a lpa so will try and keep as fit as possible and hope for the best. Have some rental properties which would be sold and keep me in a nice care home for a while hopefully

We have made wills and check that they are current regularly. Everything is left split equally to the children so no surprises coming their way when we die. Plan to sell up and move to a bungalow when we are 65. Have seen my in laws in a huge 5 bed house that was too much for them for years and now they are both dead we are having to chuck out 60 years worth of stuff, including every personal letter they ever received which were stashed in the loft (I burnt them and did not read them).

Also, if you have dependent disabled children make sure they are suitably independently housed rather than hoping that their siblings will take over as their parents when you die. It's an unkind burden to place on siblings.

I would say that financial LPA is fairly essential and a good thing for anyone to do. If you lose capacity then no-one else can manage your affairs unless you have appointed someone and the alternative is someone has to apply to the courts for deputyship and it takes ages whilst debts build up. It is a fair amount of responsibility and so the person nominated has to understand that and be genuinely willing. A solicitor is good for this if there are substantial funds and no family. If there is very little and no-one else is willing an LA social worker will do the very basics only.

Health and welfare LPA isn't essential in the same way because if you don't have it best interests decisions will be taken by Drs, nurses, social workers and they have to consult family by law. If you have mainstream medical views and no special requests then in fact this default position is fine for many people who actually prefer experts to take decisions on their behalf.
Choosing not to make a health and welfare LPA is a perfectly OK decision in my book and many people might prefer not to burden family with resus decisions and care home decisions etc.

I don't think everyone should just be encouraged to make both without really thinking it through. I personally would not make a H&W LPA although I am a Dr. I trust fellow professionals and don't want my family taking such decisions. I also would not necessarily take H&W LPA for an aunt or uncle unless I was very close to them so as to be able to represent their views.

IME VanGoghsDog a supportive niece or nephew can be the best person.
They can know you well enough to represent your likely wishes and love you enough to advocate for you but not love you so much that they get caught up in their own needs.

If you don't have children, you need to appoint someone (a relative or solicitor normally) to look after your affairs if you can't yourself or when you die.

No you don't. If you don't have children you don't have to make any arrangements at all. When I die, all 'my affairs' will be someone else's problem. That's the beauty of having no dependants

Taking notes. Have already discussed some of this with my mum who wanted to get things sorted.

@Mxflamingnoravera

Very pragmatically and I know there have been more serious posts - but having had to sort out DFILs stuff

1. yes POA ( LPA ) - my father has done one for me , we have done one for my son. DFIL would not - so when he stopped knowing how to access his bank account we were lucky in that between DH and his two siblings we could pay the modest costs he needed

2. This will sound trivial but it isn't - but having had to clear out DFIL's house , I am so much better at throwing stuff out / decluttering. I had to go many miles to make sure my in law's house was cleared out. Downton Abbey is was not. But I had to book myself into a hotel overnight because a modestly sized house had so much "stuff" the clearance people could not do it in one day. ( & DSIL had already given it a good go) .

Thanks for your replies to my comment. I've started it as a new thread but thought to reply to those who kindly responded.
@Blossomtoes so sorry to hear that your parent passed away so soon after going into care.

@PermanentTemporary yes, when we move it'll be a new area for all of us so yes she won't have her friends close by. In fact she's refused to tell one of her closest friend she's moving cos her friend has two sons, one in Italy and another in Australia and her husband is getting quite frail. The sons are married with no plans for their parents. MIL says she'll give some amount towards her annex. Not a lot and my husband will do all that is possible to ensure his siblings don't feel sidelined. DH's parents will all their belongings + house to DH but after his dad died and he saw the will he asked his mum to please divide it equally btw them even though he's taken care of them and left his job to look after his dad when he was terminally ill.

@Egeegogxmv in the past year she's now says we have to "share"! :) We just have to be mindful how we manage when she moves in with us.
@FinallyHere I did ask DH what the plan is for when she needs full time care, he said she's accepted that e can get help in but her desire is that DH looks after her not anyone else.

Yes I know - but as I said, with the situation between DH and SIL being so hideous we would rather pay the money. I have seen how she has controlled and coerced MIL over the years - we would have involved the police and social services if we didn’t genuinely believe that she would successfully persuade MIL to cut all ties with us - that I don’t want to risk a similar thing happening to my DC. We may decide in the future to change it and use other family members but at the moment it’s the solicitor.

A solicitor will often charge around 2% of the value of the estate, even when it's very straightforward. I wouldn't use one unless there's no choice, this is why you have multiple executors.

Cowbells you are spot on with this:
"But to me quality is everything. I am baffled that life itself, under any circumstance is worth fighting for"

I've seen different opinions on this one and so would be interested to know why you have decided to appoint a solicitor as executor ?

Just family reasons - without going into too much detail SIL has behaved appallingly (and possibly illegally) so all contact between her and DH after MIL dies will be via a solicitor. I hope to goodness the same thing won’t happen to any of my children but just in case my solicitor is my executor.

How does one properly take care one's elderly parent in England if you don't wish for them to be in a home?

@Delectable We arranged live in care for my DM as she became increasingly frail and anxious. We took the decision to go for a home when we established that she needed people available 24/7 and needed two people to provide personal care, which would have required a team of four people living with her.

The home had people on tap 24/7 and were really lovely at allowing her to dictate what help and support she required.

In fact, bu that time she wasn't really very aware of her surroundings so that we felt the home really was the best place for her comfort and security.

@MaMelon

Have an up to date will in place with a solicitor as executor.

I've seen different opinions on this one and so would be interested to know why you have decided to appoint a solicitor as executor ?

If you have a family member you can try to act as executor, in my experience, it is much better to leave the choice of which legal firm to use to the executor.

Delectable
In her mind she is the most important person in her son's life, if you let her under your roof she will do all she can to scapegoat you and destroy the bond between you and your partner

I adore life. But to me quality is everything. I am baffled that life itself, under any circumstance is worth fighting for. As long as I can climb mountains and write books and row down the misty river, travel and love my DC and DP I am alive. But fussing about my third hospital appointment in two days while my house gets overrun with mice. Nah. I don't want my children worrying about that.

I think it's difficult to face even for those who think they are doing their best to not be a burden.

My MIL lives in a cold 2nd floor flat with no lift. She doesn't drive and insists she'll be walking to the shops and carrying shopping up the stairs forever 🙄 She would never think she's being selfish... she says she'll move when she needs to and doesn't get the point that she needs to do it BEFORE she needs to.

Hi Delectable. You might get a better response if you start a new thread of your own but several thoughts occur to me.

I think a granny annexe is not at all a bad idea but it's a big move at this age. Does your MiL have a community and friends where she is? Would she depend on you both much more if she's isolated in the new place?

I had a grandparent in the other half of a semidetached for my childhood and it was great for me, but my mum does say it was difficult as my dad often chose to go and sit with his mum just as she needed him at kids' bathtime etc. Also the arrangement started when my granny was 65 and came to an end when my granny was 86. Very elderly people tend to have less energy with babies etc but can still enjoy a relationship with them.

In general I would think what to do if this doesn't work. It sounds like the money from the house sale will fund you all but id want it all very clear what funds need to be released to your husband's siblings after your MIL's death.

How does one properly take care one's elderly parent in England if you don't wish for them to be in a home?

With increasing difficulty. I lived 12 miles from mine. It was the perfect distance - until it wasn’t. I did all their washing, shopping, financial admin, managed the contract with the carers, got out of bed at 4am to get my mum up off the floor - you get the picture. The only thing I didn’t do was personal care. My life would have been a lot easier if we’d had a granny annexe but that’s me, not you. Eventually, even with a team of about 12 people supporting them, mine weren’t safe at home and they went into a care home. Six months later they were dead.