What steps do we 50 somethings need to take to avoid the situation many of us find ourselves with our elderly relatives?

Forget about trying to pass an inheritance onto your children. If you e anything worth passing down then they’ve already had the advantages of a (relatively) comfortable, stable upbringing with some sort of parental safety net. They’ve not earned your wealth. Instead, spend your money on a house that makes you happy. Modify it to make it work for you. Heat it properly. Eat nice food. Move house into something more suitable without worrying about the cost of moving chipping into “an inheritance”. If you need /want private healthcare, a cleaner, pre-prepared food, taxis, paid-for social activities... do it if you can afford it.

When you’re dead, “you” cease to exist, so you no longer have any interest in or say in your lifetimes savings or work.

If your children are decent human beings they’d rather have the last 10 years of your life be as good as they can be rather than inherit your £££.

We are in our 50s, bit the bullet and did the big downsize last year. Moving from rural family home to the middle of town with all facilities in very close walking distance. Doctor, dentist, pharmacy, library - everything we need/want is on the doorstep. This takes into account what if we can't drive for whatever reason any more.

No way are we going to visit elderly care responsibilities on our kids.

The downsize was a massive project and much worse than we anticipated so thank god we tackled it now. The prospect can be overwhelming which is why so many people wait too long then can't face it.

We plan to keep an eye on things and probably downsize one more time into a (hopefully not too small) flat before we think stairs might become an issue.

We intend to spend every penny of the money released from selling the family home.

Re deeds, unless the house is unregistered, not on the Land Registry, which can still be the case. But a solicitor can register it and then it can be sold.

@JesusMaryAndJosephAndTheWeeDon that’s ridiculous , she doesn’t need the physical deeds they are now available from the land registry

Re LPAs, I must remind my OH to update his to tick the plug-pulling box. There was recently a sad situation where someone we know was found dead one morning and the paramedics still performed CPR (despite his age, frailty and poor health) because his wife had no LPA for him. For obvious reasons I haven't asked about the details because it's one of the most distressing experiences someone can have, but I checked and as LPA appoints someone to speak for you in health matters when you can't, (and you definitely can't when you're dead and they're considering CPR) then this seems correct.
Luckily I did tick the right box, so if I keel over when the chances of resuscitation are v v poor, my OH doesn't have to hear them cracking my ribs as a last farewell, he can just tell them to let me go.

My own half of the estate is left between our children with a clause that my husband can live in the property without giving the children my share of the house and contents until he too dies, or he needs social care that way only his share can be used to fund his care, vice versa.

@JesusMaryAndJosephAndTheWeeDon your friend should be able to get help online with a copy of the deeds

Work in aged care rehab ward: Make sure there is on the entrance level
1)a bathroom with a shower that you can walk/wheel straight into without a tall hob. Definitely not a shower over a bath
2) a room you can sleep in even if it means putting a bed into a living room.
3) somewhere you can make food/drink.
You don't even have to be old to need these things, just have major injury or surgery to your leg.

Make sure you know where all the important documents are.

An elderly friend of mine is in difficulty because she can't find the deeds to her house. She's in private care but has run out of savings. The council won't fund because she owns a house but she can't sell the house or release equity because she can't locate the deeds.

Learning lessons from experience of stubborn parents who believe it is our duty to give up our lives to care for them. Have told my adult children that I chose to be a parent, they owe me nothing in return.
DH and I are making our home and garden as maintenance free as possible now and intend to pay for window cleaner, gardener etc. We are intend to use taxis and online shopping. We have had mirror wills drawn up with clauses to benefit our children, not the system. Will do what is best for everyone in the future.

Don’t put your house into your children’s names, but look into a life rent trust.

I’ll be judged for this but I couldn’t care less. It meant that when my surviving parent had to go into care the house, which my parents built and paid for over a lifetime couldn’t be touched.

@Tuckerluck think you ought to start a separate thread on this. I’ve stopped looking at this thread regularly, and people without children may not have been reading it at all.

I would think about documenting everything you need someone caring for you to know, a “Tuckerluck instruction manual”. What things you hate eating, what clothes you like, fabrics, pockets etc, any phobias, allergies etc. If you have anyone you could give power of attorney to, then you would attach it to that, entitled “letter of wishes”. It’s not legally binding, but care homes, decision makers, will take heed of it.

Everything about staying in your home longer applies. Wet rooms etc. Start exploring smart technology, voice activated stuff, to help as you get physically frail, won’t help if you get dementia unless you have someone on hand to assist.

Reading this with interest, some great advice. However any tips on what to think about now, if you don’t have any children or relatives to help in later life?

Another transport one. Try to live as close as possible to the friends you want to keep seeing. My parents' (childfree) friends all retired to their favourite seaside resorts and enjoyed visiting each other for weeks away for a decade. Now in their 80s the ones who are left aren't capable of travelling that far to see each other by car or train. Their hearing is poor so they can't effectively use the phone and they don't understand computers. If they had all lived locally to each other those that are left could still see each other once a week - or even live together. They'd be a lot less lonely.

If in a relationship make sure you have a basic understanding of all the jobs around the house your other half does. I've known a number of widowed people who were stuck eg not knowing where the tea towels were kept, not being able to open the back door because their husband had the only key hidden away somewhere, not knowing the passwords for any of the joint online banking accounts.

Also backing up previous points. When waiting in A&E with my Dad once I overheard paramedics talking. They said when they retired they were going to live in a big town fairly close to a major hospital so an ambulance could get them there in 15mins or less if necessary. They spent too much time driving round country roads trying to find remote addresses to pick up elderly people and their outcomes were less good because it took so long to get to them.

I'm going to try to follow the above advice and definitely have a downstairs bedroom and bathroom. My Dad insisted on that when my parents retired and thank goodness he did. It came in very useful for each of my parents in turn and for my sister when she had an accident and stayed with them for a while. Nobody had to go into care, which I think would have been unavoidable without the downstairs bedroom. Eventually there came a point where my Mum was too exhausted to even operate the stair-lift.

Thanks for info on annuity not sure if it helps my mother but could help my kids. I’m currently dealing with my mum’s affairs and provide some care plus daughter visits regularly; but she is at home at the mo on a full care package put in by the council, but I’m not sure how long this is manageable - and so I’m just really worried about care home costs - as in she has sufficient savings and her house to pay for a certain length of time but it is going to be terribly difficult assessing how long that cash has to last for so how nice a home she could go into. I came on to say that it’s all very well expecting that people use their homes to fund nice care, but when the money runs out either family top up or you’re moved to the cheapest council can find - possibly more than once as cheaper rooms come up. This is very well known for literally advancing some deaths - let alone upsetting and distressing.
Note I’m not against paying for care though will say the household council provided care varies in cost as to where you live - my mum for example pays £375 a week as maximum but Hammersmith residents pay nothing at all; to be fair the other way my mum would be paying £400 per day for the actual costs, if no top limit in her council so expect that varies considerably. To add further on this council charges £25 per hour per carer though carers get the minimum wage themselves so guess there would be options of private in house care if paying full amount. It’s a difficult costly system that 75% of folk don’t pay for so guess they have to find somehow - Hammersmith said they cut out magazine runs and some managers 🤷🏼‍♀️

My parents sold the family home in their early 70's and bought a 2 BR FLAT in middle of town. They have their 4 children a decent sum of money each to help with our mortgages and have willed anything left to be shared between their grandchildren. They got rid of all their lifetime clutter. They have wills, POA's and advance directives. My mum had cared for 3 elderly relatives and did not wish to make same mistakes.

Sorry I didn't mean to sound grabby in my last post. I think my cousin was badly-advised to buy that annuity for my aunt, as she was in a bad way when he bought it.

My cousin did that for my auntie (with Auntie's money), but she died very quickly, within a year. My cousin felt guilty as my mum was the main beneficiary, and she got substantially less than she might have done. So it's a bit of a risk.

For the person asking about the rules on inheritance tax and downsizing - here they are. Complicated to calculate but basically yes, you can downsize or go into a care home without losing the IHT break.
www.gov.uk/guidance/how-downsizing-selling-or-gifting-a-home-affects-the-additional-inheritance-tax-threshold

Great question. Not sure if anyone has mentioned this, but consider an advanced directive for oneself, declining life-prolonging treatment, such as antibiotics, when extremely old and frail, or with advanced dementia. I will link to a temple later.

My DM has a notebook she's written in her bank & building society details, car information, pension, solicitors, dentist, loyalty card info etc so that if anything happens to her we don't have the added distress of looking for anything and everything is in order.

Here is an example of an immediate needs annuity: www.livein-care-comparison.co.uk/annuity.aspx?gclid=CjwKCAjwwqaGBhBKEiwAMk-FtJ8UGUjksqlC287p1ocnEsb-x5EGDv1kT58xXwVp1Vpymap_aitijhoCWvYQAvD_BwE