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Elderly parents
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Helping an older parent find some purpose in life

38 replies

cheeseismydownfall · 27/05/2021 10:24

Hello, this is my first time posting on this board.

My mother is mid-70s and in relatively good health, but is becoming increasingly depressed, and I think the problem at the heart of everything is that she no longer has any sense of purpose, or that feeling of being needed. She isn't the easiest person to be around - she is quite introverted and can be socially awkward, and doesn't really have many friends (there is a big backstory here involving her own childhood and an awful marriage to my father that is too long to go in to).

I guess her most fulfilled period of her life was when my siblings and I were young children, and then again when she was very involved when my DC were young. That has changed now (partly due to them getting older and no longer needing looking after, partly because I have had to detach because of feeling very claustrophobic at her involvement in our lives - as I said, she isn't an easy person at all, and I have a lot of unresolved anger over some of her appalling behaviour over the years).

She doesn't help herself - she is very critical of people and the list of things she doesn't like is much bigger than the list of things she enjoys. She also doesn't drive, which is very limiting ( she has complained about for decades but wouldn't do anything about, and now clearly it is too late).

So, with that backstory, what might I be able to suggest that could give her some fulfilment? Things that have been ruled out include:

  • pets / animals
  • anything involving children (she doesn't like other people's children)
  • cooking
  • art/craft activities
  • anything requiring her to put herself out there (too introvert)
  • anything that can't be accessed via limited rural bus service
  • anything needing a high degree of IT literacy - she can do the basics but gets flustered
  • anything involving 'old people' Hmm - e.g. coach tours etc

Things she does enjoy, up to a point

  • science, history, literature, good TV
  • walking (although this is getting harder due to health)
  • travel (but she won't do solo travel - perhaps I could apply some pressure here though)

God, its hopeless isn't it? Does anyone have any ideas? I am struggling with the pressure of my family being her only source of meaning, and although my relationship with her is difficult I would of course love to see her happier.

OP posts:
Caselgarcia · 27/05/2021 16:57

Singing? Would she join a choir?

alrightfella · 27/05/2021 16:51

@cheeseismydownfall look for the local U3A they tend to have a big monthly meeting which she may not want to go to but they also have 20-30 smaller interest groups attached. Walking, scrabble, history, languages, pub lunches etc. These groups are much smaller and obviously everyone has a common interest. Not expensive to join either. People are generally 60's plus and on the more active side of older people.

saraclara · 27/05/2021 16:50

A book group?

Bargebill19 · 27/05/2021 16:41

Get her on the local parish council.

MumofSpud · 27/05/2021 16:36

@cheeseismydownfall

Hello, this is my first time posting on this board.

My mother is mid-70s and in relatively good health, but is becoming increasingly depressed, and I think the problem at the heart of everything is that she no longer has any sense of purpose, or that feeling of being needed. She isn't the easiest person to be around - she is quite introverted and can be socially awkward, and doesn't really have many friends (there is a big backstory here involving her own childhood and an awful marriage to my father that is too long to go in to).

I guess her most fulfilled period of her life was when my siblings and I were young children, and then again when she was very involved when my DC were young. That has changed now (partly due to them getting older and no longer needing looking after, partly because I have had to detach because of feeling very claustrophobic at her involvement in our lives - as I said, she isn't an easy person at all, and I have a lot of unresolved anger over some of her appalling behaviour over the years).

She doesn't help herself - she is very critical of people and the list of things she doesn't like is much bigger than the list of things she enjoys. She also doesn't drive, which is very limiting ( she has complained about for decades but wouldn't do anything about, and now clearly it is too late).

So, with that backstory, what might I be able to suggest that could give her some fulfilment? Things that have been ruled out include:

  • pets / animals
  • anything involving children (she doesn't like other people's children)
  • cooking
  • art/craft activities
  • anything requiring her to put herself out there (too introvert)
  • anything that can't be accessed via limited rural bus service
  • anything needing a high degree of IT literacy - she can do the basics but gets flustered
  • anything involving 'old people' Hmm - e.g. coach tours etc

Things she does enjoy, up to a point

  • science, history, literature, good TV
  • walking (although this is getting harder due to health)
  • travel (but she won't do solo travel - perhaps I could apply some pressure here though)

God, its hopeless isn't it? Does anyone have any ideas? I am struggling with the pressure of my family being her only source of meaning, and although my relationship with her is difficult I would of course love to see her happier.

I feel your pain here - my DM (78) is similar but does also not do people at all (again childhood issues here) so my Dad will have hobbies and volunteer - she won't!

But the one thing she likes is doing the family tree!

Looksabitbig · 27/05/2021 16:31

Clubs, walking group - things where you do something so it's not just all sitting around directly talking. If she is even vaguely religious, churches can be a great source of activities in the local community.
Travel (including coach tours!) was one way my DM made friends as a widow, u3a another.

FricasseeTurnips · 27/05/2021 11:26

Second U3A. And/or an allotment.

exexpat · 27/05/2021 11:15

Just to add - one thing my MiL (and my late FiL) got involved in was U3A (university of the third age). It sounds like that might by your mother's sort of thing if there is anything going on locally?

www.u3a.org.uk

exexpat · 27/05/2021 11:13

You can suggest things, but you cannot and should not try to be responsible for making her happy. It sounds like she is a fairly negative person who will never be bursting with joy and satisfaction in life no matter what you or anyone else do to help her.

It sounds like where she lives is a big part of the problem, if she cannot drive. I presume she would not consider moving to somewhere with better transport and local activities? Possibly a retirement flat complex?

My MiL moved to a bungalow in a cul-de-sac with lots of other retired people after being widowed in her 70s and it worked brilliantly for her: friendly people at the same stage of life keen to join local activities, and since she has been no longer able to drive (eyesight), the slightly younger ones have given her lifts and helped with shopping.

PragmaticWench · 27/05/2021 11:04

Graham Norton is just launching a book club podcast. Could you help her access it? She would be doing something but no need to interact with people.

PragmaticWench · 27/05/2021 11:03

Online history classes?

SnowdaySewday · 27/05/2021 10:59

Does she want to change or do you want to change her?
It sounds like she needs to be genuinely needed.

You say she is becoming more depressed. Is this diagnosed depression that is being treated or your perception of her manner? Maybe if she's agreeable, a check up with her GP to rule out anything physical and the check any medications are at the right level.

If your children are old enough to have a relationship with her separate from you, perhaps encourage that. Do they have interests that she can engage with them in, or are there life skills that she can teach them?

Happenchance · 27/05/2021 10:50

A pen pal? There's organizations that pair older people with pen pals. She could choose how much she reveals about herself and how often she replies.

Gardening. If she doesn't have her own garden could she get some houseplants that need tending to regularly?

Swimming might be a good alternative if walking is becoming more difficult.

Online excercise classes or talks about subjects that interest her. She wouldn't need to have her camera on.

Volunteering in the back of a charity shop, sorting donations.

Puzzle or adult colouring books.

Would she enjoy researching her family tree?

Scrapbooking. She could create one for each of her children and grandchildren with photos and mementos of their lives.