Helping an older parent find some purpose in life

Over 70 year old here OP with sympathy for you and your mother.
I think the only thing she can realistically change here is where she lives. Access to U3A would then be easier and in my experience leads to lots of contacts and other groups.
It is important to find a sense of purpose as you get older; volunteering works for many, gardening for others - we are all different and need to find our own way, but isolation and lack of access to transport are major barriers.

Op, we are all responsible for our own happiness including your mother. You have made a multitude of suggestions already and none of them are right; too far, too many people, not the right type of people (children, elderly), too technical, etc. Nothing will be right for whatever reason.

She had decades to sort out learning to drive/moving somewhere more suitable and now she is reaping the rewards of that inaction. It is not up to you to solve the problem unless she decides to move and requests help.

We have had years of this with MIL. Nothing has changed and we have pretty much given up now. She too didn't have the best childhood and an unhappy marriage. She would like to live with us but I doubt even that would make her happy. After a lot of soul searching, DH has come to the conclusion that it is not his job to fix her. We've both had to grow a pretty thick skin and just solve practical problems as and when they arise.

I do feel sad for her in lots of ways but it has made me determined to get our ducks in a row so that we have a happier and healthier old age.

Have you heard of Soroptomists? They are (mostly retired) professional women who are active in social issues. Currently most of the meetings are on Zoom, and are planning for continuing their supportive actions when things open up a bit.
www.soroptimistinternational.org/

Religion - would be ideal because the village she is in has a church, and a lot of the social activity for the older inhabitants is based around it, but she staunchly doesn't believe. in that case, she shouldn’t have the pangs of uncomfortableness that comes with pretending for the sake of the social life.

Book club - you'd think this would be a good one, but she doesn't like reading the sort of things 'other women her age' read, apparently. Maybe she could try a young woman’s book club

More seriously Its more a loss of a higher sense of purpose Could she get involved in campaigning? Researching, writing letters for CPRE, 38degrees or similar? Or writing letters or phone those who are lonely for one reason or another?

Hope you are ok op, i think cptartapp makes a very good point in saying she is living the life she has chosen and will now feel the disadvantages of those choices, it isn’t your responsibility to fix those now, you have pointed out many solutions, she could have some humility and introspection and take those ideas up but sounds like she hasn’t so far yet still puts the onus on you to fix things, not your job though is it. Or you still feel you should be fixing them? Trouble is whatever you do or suggest probably isn’t enough or the right thing so next step is to extract yourself from that role and focus on your own needs and just do what you are comfortable with, easier said than done i know, I am currently attempting the same but feels much less stressful now I’ve realised I am not responsible for someone else’s happiness and not to feel guilty or end up mirroring the other persons emotions, seperate yourself if you can.

She is living the life she has chosen. Unfortunately she Will now reap the downside of choosing to stay in a village with poor transport, not learning to drive and refusing to pay for taxis. These are her choices and she will live her life accordingly.
It's not your responsibility to make her happy. Growing older should not be a surprise to any of us. I'd step back a little too. This will only get worse as she becomes older and frailer.
I'd stop paying for her taxis too. She lets you do that?! She needs to get used to paying for supportive services as she'll likely need very much more in the years to come.

Does her village have a Village in bloom type group?

Couple of suggestions to add-
WI meetings
School governor
Open University courses
Local colleges also run community classes such as pottery and cookery and languages etc
Did you say she wouldn't be interested in animals or getting a pet? We have a local donkey sanctuary desperate for volunteers.
There are loads of things out there but it sounds like opportunities aren't really the main issue. It sounds very difficult for you and for her. Maybe it is more a bit of a grieving and transition period for her and she isn't yet ready to take action.

U3A would be perfect but she just can't get to any of the meetings - there is an active group in the local town which is only a few miles away, but the buses are infrequent and only run in the daytime, and the meetings she was interested in (she did look it up once before - she says) run in the evening

Taxis? Or they are probably running classes and events online at the moment anyhow.

I also think my mum went through a phase of being fed up of having to recognise that she was getting older at that age. As she’s got towards 80 and really slowed down she’s seemed more accepting of it and calmer.

Another vote for U3A. My mum loved it during her 70s. There were so many things on offer too.

I suspect that you have spent a life time tap dancing to keep her happy.

She’s probably classed as a “High Conflict Personality” HCP - google that. It gets worse with age.

I would change your reaction to her to change the overall dynamic between you.

Don’t give her the opportunity to moan and burden YOU.

She has done this all her life. I suspect you are the last man standing?

Don’t waste your healthy years trying to change someone who has throughout their life taken active choices to be this way.

I suspect having a DM like this has left you a people pleaser and a bit of a door mat.

Don’t waste any more of your finite emotional energy on this futile and frustrating situation. Look at ways to liberate yourself from her so that you can focus your positivity on yourself and others who would value it.

Personally I have felt the same way as your mother. At 63 I'm no longer my mum's carer, the main breadwinner, or much needed to look after the kids who are grown up. No grandkids to help with. I volunteer and focus on enjoying what I love doing and telling myself I deserve some me time. But I've had weeks here and there of profound depression.

It is hard. I had the same with my mother. She would only be happy if either I was running around after her, or I could pick up her huge house and move it somewhere more appropriate - preferably near her other daughter.
Once I made the decision that I wasn’t responsible for her perceived happiness, it was a lot easier to shrug my shoulders, nod my head and do the stuff I was there for, whilst ignoring her moans. I didn’t stress about it, as that used up my time and headspace that should have been used in a way which benefitted me and my Dh.
Basically I wasn’t about to give her unhappiness any more free rent inside my head.

You’ve done your research and made suggestions. The rest is up to her.

U3A, Ramblers, Ox Cont Ed online courses, volunteering

From the list you’ve posted, it doesn’t look like anything is going to appeal to her. It sounds like you’ve had a lifetime of being responsible for her happiness. It’s really not your job or your responsibility to make her happy.

My advice would be a large step back. This is very hard to do, to go against a lifetime of training, but she’s clearly not going to change, and the only actions you have control over are your own.

Following as have a similar concern op, it’s hard to know what to suggest and I’m feeling the pressure at the level of involvement but as a previous poster said you can’t be responsible for her happiness, that has to come from her. I’ve recently tried a bit of a push with that in my situation and it did create stress and I was blamed but it made me feel better rather than just struggling on, kind of cleared the air a little bit I think but remains to be seen if any changes in behaviour occur, the social awkwardness thing resonated with me, mine definitely has that but would deny it entirely, so probably solitary activities at home would be best to suggest if rural location precludes visits to art gallery, castle or museum? Volunteering at a food bank or charity shop but not customer facing maybe an option?

Another vote for U3A.

Learning to use an iPad, shop online, write a blog, do her banking online, join Gransnet, search for somewhere new to live etc.

My MIL enjoys researching and documenting her family history.

I suspect that any suggestions you make will be rebuffed OP. I don’t think you’ll change her. Let her live her life in her own way. Keep your distance if you feel claustrophobic, just visit and ring when you can.

And her rurality and lack of tech skills will mean that lots of suggestions here are impractical anyway.

There is also an organisation called WEA (workers educational association) which does part time courses. I did an art class years ago when I was a sahm & most of the group were retired. Obviously what will be available locally may vary...

Would she move somewhere where she isn't dependent on rural transport? I always think the country is the last place you'd want to be as you get older.
But does she want a purpose in life? Or does she get more pleasure from grumbling about not having one?