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Elderly parents
Original poster

Anyone seen the situation with grandparents... and now dreading the inevitability of it with your own parents?

28 replies

LadyWhistledownsQuill · 19/05/2021 01:14

I've been fairly involved in the care of elderly grandparents, lurching from crisis to crisis, since my mid teens. We're about 15 years down the line now - and tbh the remaining one (who I love dearly) has lived much longer than anyone really expected. I'm an only child of a divorced only child, so I've ended up as second in line for all of these matters, providing a fair amount of emotional and practical support (nowhere near as much as my DF though!) and am under no illusions about the indignities of old age.

My own parents are now in their late 60s, and still in good health, but not getting any younger. I'm looking at them and foreseeing all of the issues that have arisen with my grandparents.

Yet neither of them - particularly DM, who hasn't had to deal with any of it - seem to realise that they will likely end up decrepit. DM is currently choosing between living indefinitely in a third storey flat with no lift, or moving 200 miles away Hmm. Upon pointing out that it would mean that I'd be essentially totally unable to provide any form of care or support to her if she was 200 miles away, her response suggested that she assumed she'd be dead before needing any sort of help so she wasn't going to factor in any possible future care needs Hmm She's deaf to any suggestions otherwise.

DF is only marginally more realistic, having dealt with the general grimness of elderly care. Yet his response to any suggestion of future-proofing his own home is that he plans to hang himself before he gets to that stage Hmm Once DGP passes away - but before rose tinted glasses start to appear - I intend to have some very blunt conversations about him needing to plan for the future.

I'm foreseeing a situation in which I'm an only child with divorced parents, each on opposite sides of the country to the other, and in need of some level of support which I'm not really able to give, each having made it as difficult as possible to help them (DM in particular). None of my friends who are a similar age have had similar experiences with grandparents, so they just can't relate!

OP posts:
ssd · 19/05/2021 11:29

I've seen it happen with my mum and dread it happening to me

Miasicarisatia · 19/05/2021 11:27

Yet neither of them - particularly DM, who hasn't had to deal with any of it - seem to realise that they will likely end up decrepit
Do not be fooled they know fine well what will happen to them, they are choosing not to engage because they know this leaves you in the position of having to take up the slack. Be warned you will be presented with a fait accompli and your 'golden years' will be consumed by their ever increasing needs unless you take evasive action

FortunesFave · 19/05/2021 06:02

I sympathise. My MIL is 75 and currently fit and working three days per week but was recently told her bone density is terrible and she seems to be having trouble absorbing some nutrients too.

She lives in a massive 3 bed house which she was thinking of selling last year...she wanted a 2 bed house and to have no more mortgage so work was not needed.

Will she do it? Will she hell. She's spent thousands making small, unnecessary improvements on her house so it will sell for the best price but won't actually put it on the market.

We think...though have not said...that she should do it all now so that if she's in her 80s and not so fit, she won't have the upheaval etc.

She's not having it. Now as it is, she'll work till she drops paying the stupid second mortgage off or she'll get to the point where she can't work and so can't pay it off and will have to be moved....delicate or unwell...to a new place. It's so worrying!

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