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Elderly parents
Original poster

In laws refusing help and adaptations

33 replies

Zoomoff · 13/05/2021 12:30

PIL live in a house with an upstairs bathroom, no downstairs facilities. MIL can barely walk and FIL is carrying her up and down stairs. FIL is not in the best of health himself. They are refusing a stair lift and other adaptations to the house. DH and his siblings are at the end of their tether with them. They were difficult people when in good health - stubborn, their way or the highway type of people - and are just digging their heels in now and refusing any help. We think MIL is suffering depression. FIL has started going to the GP complaining of health issues that are affecting MIL not himself (he's saying that they are happening to him) but MIL won't go to the GP herself and apparently the GP won't do house visits now.

They've started locking themselves in the house and leaving the keys in the locks so that, even if we did have spare keys, we wouldn't be able to unlock the doors anyway. They do this because they're fed up of people (family) just calling in (always had an open door up til now). Obviously we're worried that there's going to be a fall or health issue.

Does anyone have any advice on who we could contact in this situation? Could DH as eldest child be given POA or similar so that he has the power to fit a stair lift and other adaptations?

Any advice would be gratefully received. Thanks

OP posts:
ThursdayWeld · 13/05/2021 13:15

As PPs said, they have to grant your DH, or whoever, LPA.

In cases like this often all anyone can do is wait for the inevitable crisis to happen.

WhoNeedsaManOfTheWorld · 13/05/2021 13:13

Why don't you refer MIL to social services. He is putting her at risk if he is carrying her up the stairs
She can then be assessed. If she refuses at least you tried

Wafflewombat · 13/05/2021 13:12

Maybe get them assessed by the local social services or contact their GP? Very difficult if they're refusing tho.

The LPA is easy to do, it's online on the Government website. But it needs them to do it! Whilst they have capacity...

My in-laws are very reasonable but are refusing any efforts to get various issues assessed. They are struggling on...

unfortunateevents · 13/05/2021 12:56

Your husband can't be "given" POA though and if your PILs are unwilling to engage with family over help and support they are very unlikely to engage with the process necessary for POA to be granted. Also it sounds as if they do have capacity to make decisions for themselves, they are just not making the ones which would help them!

Original poster
Zoomoff · 13/05/2021 12:48

WhoNeedsaManOfTheWorld FIL is the one that's in contact with social services (for the adaptations) and the GP but I don't know if he's making the decisions himself or if MIL doesn't want things changed and he's enabling her to be...in need of him? If that makes sense?

OP posts:
Original poster
Zoomoff · 13/05/2021 12:44

TippledPink that's what I thought. In a (semi) joking way, I've always doubted their mental capacity - they've always been the sort who could be given the same advice from several expert sources, and do the opposite because they won't be told to do something, much to their detriment. It's never been over something this serious before though.

OP posts:
WhoNeedsaManOfTheWorld · 13/05/2021 12:37

Do you think FIL is making the decisions for MIL and putting her in danger?
You could refer her to social services for safeguarding
If they both have capacity you can't do anything until there is a crisis. A hospital admission is often the trigger to sort it out

TippledPink · 13/05/2021 12:34

Unless you have concerns about their mental capacity it's up to them what they accept or don't accept, as frustrating as it is.

Power of Attorney would only be given to someone if your in-laws have capacity to give it to them and sign legal papers. Then whoever has Power of Attorney will only be able to make decisions once the in-laws lose capacity to make decisions.