In laws refusing help and adaptations

Results showed an underactive thyroid. I'm guessing that meds were given for an overactive thyroid (she was on thyroid meds) It's common to need to up the dosage as the years go by, so if she wasn't getting regular blood tests, they may have missed the need to increase the dose.

She's now bedbound (which solves the stairlift issue) and incontinent. It's incredible how quickly she's deteriorated.

So sorry to hear that @Zoomoff, although, like you said, it hopefully does stop DFIL from carrying her up and downstairs.

Has he agree to any further help?

No she doesn’t. She is very switched in most of the time. Unfortunately she is waking very early and today got up at 3am. She rang my daughter at 4.50 am to say she still has her blue badge and they’d need it when parking at hospital.
I rang her at 8.30am and she’d already Easter the beef casserole I’d given her yesterday for today’s lunch. Not only that, but she’d made some delicious Yorkshire pudding to go with it 🤦‍♀️
I’ve spoken to my brother who is taking her to see my dad In hospital this afternoon and he’s going to read her the riot act. She’s very tearful. And tired! I told her she will be and she needs to check what time it is before calling anyone.

Oh Born that is so frustrating. It does sound as if she's no longer capable of being on her own. Does she have a diagnosis of Dementia?

My parents are late 80’s. DF is currently in hospital after a fall. DM had a stairlift fit this week! Great idea as neither can manage stairs well and only toilet is upstairs.
It’s simple to operate but my DM just cannot seem to understand how it works.
This week she woke up and had totally forgotten how to get down so was ringing everyone she could saying she was trapped.
Then she went upstairs and forgot how to get down. She’s locked the door, with the keys in so we were unable to get in.
I live 50 miles away and cannot drop everything to go sort her.
I’ve written step by step instructions and stuck them to both top and bottom of the stairs.
I’ve stick arrows on the armrest telling her which way to move them. I’ve struck paper every way saying HOLD BUTTON UNTIL YOU MOVE’ because unfortunately when you press the button, there is approximately a 3 second delay. Because of this, she lets go and wiggles it.
I’m exasperated as we thought a stairlift was a good idea.
May I scream? No? I’ll just sob quietly in the corner 😓

I hope things improve but frankly I would keep low expectations. We had high hopes of a couple of interactions but nothing changed, or the next step was refused.

The GP did nothing to help us with FIL. Basically you have to leave them to their desired course of action and just deal with the consequences as they arise. Sounds harsh, but it's the voice of bitter experience.

Sorry, Op, meant to say fingers crossed your SIL has a productive conversation with the GP.

@TippledPink @DPotter in our Local Authority I would asked first if I had informed the person before referring our our Safeguarding Hub if I was at work - if I hadn't I would have to do it before calling back. I've worked in the field for twenty years and it's always been like that.

If I was phoning out of work I wouldn't have to do this, I could just make a referral.

@TippledPink

That's very interesting to know Tipple that people are told who referred them with regard to safeguarding. Doesn't that fly in the face of GDPR, let alone, other safety concerns? It's also counter to the safeguarding training I've just done for work

I can see people being even more reluctant to report potential concerns if they are going to be named.

@ElMacchiato Yes of course, but they will be telling them who made the safeguarding referral so that is why we advise you to tell them first!

I'd leave them to it tbh .. old people are such a pain in the bum sometimes and I say this with my own one !

IME as long as a person can express an opinion, they will be seen to have capacity, even if their decisions are questionable.

The situation you describe is all too common and it's like watching a slow motion care crash and there is nothing you can do. I'm sorry you're in this situation - it's so sad when you can't help and yet can see they're struggling.

If raised as a safeguarding concern SW would have to act though tippled , whether the person had been told about it or Not!

I used to work in Triage Adult social services- the first question will be do you have consent from them to refer them? If not we would ask you go back and get their consent first before we would contact them. If you raise it as a safeguarding concern we would expect you to tell them that's what you are doing.

Unfortunately yes it normally takes a crisis like a nasty fall for people to accept support.

Are there any authority figures whom they will listen to?

Years ago, someone told me you have to wait for the accident or incident. You can drip feed things but telling them stuff doesn't work. I reverse it & I hate change & asking for help, so I get it but it's so hard.

I would contact social services and focus on the things that are putting them at risk. In particular the carrying upstairs and falsifying medical records, both of which could easily have a bad outcome. It's true that they may be regarded as having capacity to unwise decisions. But I would still want to make sure that those issues are highlighted.

I think you may have to come to terms with their right to make (admittedly bad) decisions for themselves, however risky and potentially fatal those decisions are.

You can book a call with their GP and raise your concerns. They can signpost you to services, and make an appointment with their patients if they feel that would help. They will, obviously, be unable to give you any information. You could alert them to your FiL's tactic of getting advice (and medication?) for mil by pretending to have the ailment himself.