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Elderly parents
Original poster

Elderly parents taking no responsbility for themselves

55 replies

happywriter · 13/05/2021 10:11

I have posted before on this forum. I am at the end of my tether with my parents denial in old age and things are gettiing slowly worse. I don't know where to turn anymore and it is affecting my own mental health dealing with it Sad

They are in their early 80s and living in the house they've been in for the last 40 years which is a semi detached and no downstairs loo and nowhere near any amenities. There is also a neighbour dispute spanning the past 30 years so I can't for the life of me work out why they stay there. To cut a long story short, it isn't accessible for my dad who has terrible mobility and toilet issues. They keep shopping in the car boot as they can't carry shopping bags up the path! Confused

My dad still drives and to be fair, his physical driving does seem ok, however it is obvious his driving days are coming to an end soon given his age and other abilities. When he stops driving he will be housebound. This is another story for another time but their answer to that is for me to step in and drive them around even though I don't drive and have 3 young kids, 2 with ASD. I will certainly help them out when I can but they have isolated themselves.

My mum is a narcissist and doesn't like being told no, I get guilt tripped and digged at constantly about this. She threw a total wobbler when I told her I am not driving. My parents won't pay for taxis and for appointments they don't want nhs transport because 'the neighbours will see it' Hmm . Very much Hyacinth Bouquet style, what must people think. Any time the car is in garage for MOT or breaks down she goes crazy and can hardly cope. It is embarrassing. I dread the day he stops driving. My dad is so passive and is controlled by my mum, he is like a little boy and does everything she says.

My mum whines 24/7 about 'how hard life is', she can't handle getting workmen, gardeners (when they aren't mowing the lawn themselves with one at each end of mower handle Hmm ), moans constantly about the noise from the neighbours. I often come off the phone to her wanting to burst into tears. I actually can't carry on like this for much longer.

They are in the habit of blaming outside factors for everything. It is the council's fault that the bus stops are too far apart, if they get lost they claim road signs have been moved (when they've not), lockdown is to blame for my dad's senior moments, etc. These are only a few examples, it is unbeleivable the things they come out with. Anything except face up to things.

Recently my dad has also been having many what my mum would describe as 'senior moments'. However I have suspicions there is more to it, however my mum will never admit it so that's another struggle I potentially have on my hands Sad.

I am so stressed and frustrated with them, and just want to tell them to take repsonsibility for themselves and stop moaning. I actually think they sometimes enjoy the drama.

OP posts:
Original poster
happywriter · 13/05/2021 11:20

Mum5net, you are right on the money with all you said, it is only going to get worse as they get older and this is why I feel so low, it is like there is no solution and I am stuck dealing with this circus.

Yep I am their back up plan and it ain't happening. I have yeara of grief ahead and I feel like I am suffocating. I have stood up to them ablnd it is horrible, dealing with a narcissist is impossible. An elderly narcissist is torture.

OP posts:
Topseyt · 13/05/2021 11:18

Really sounds like they at least need carers coming in and you will probably need to take a big step back in order for them to get the message there.

They may need some sort of assessment of their needs by adult social services too in order to help get things moving and get through to them.

Would warden assisted sheltered accommodation be suitable? Or would your mother refuse to even countenance that idea too?

It's so hard isn't it. My mother is 86 and recently widowed as my Dad died in March. It had taken a few medical emergencies and scares (during which my sister and I did help them as much as we could) but they got carers about a year ago. It has had it's hiccups but has really been invaluable.

After my Dad died and my Mum found herself alone for long periods it didn't take her long to realise that her house was no longer working for her. Even with people coming and going, she would be isolated and lonely a lot there. She isn't able to walk far and can no longer drive due to eyesight and other medical conditions so is totally dependent on other people to get anywhere.

She didn't "get" what it would really be like while my sister and I were virtually living with her during our Dad's final illness (neither of us lives near there). It was a realisation that she had to come to herself and she has. She was very resistant to the idea of moving at first, but after even just a couple of weeks she had started to change her tune and has now put her name down for some local sheltered accommodation where she would have her own self-contained flat. She is now really into the idea of having the warden on hand, and friends and a community in the same building. The decision to probably leave her home of over 50 years though is not a simple one and it had to come from her.

All you can do in your position I think is make suggestions. You have enough on your own plate too. If they resist then you must step back as you have your own family to consider too and will be too thinly spread. Your sanity is important too.

Speak to your parents' GP too. Put them fully in the picture and see what services are available locally to them. Be clear that your own family situation will not allow you to be considered their carer.

It is so hard (and sad) when elderly parents are losing control in their own home. For them and for their families. I think meeting resistance to the changes needed is very common as well as understandable.

Original poster
happywriter · 13/05/2021 11:15

I have tried so many boundaries it is crazy. One time this resulted in an argument that went on for 3 months (they huffed then turned it around to me). I have reduced the time I spend with them and call which has helped a little.

I have suggested them moving to a more suitable place but they flared up abd started laughing like it was a ridiculous suggestion. They are in total denial. My mum is even planning on wallpapering the hall and living room so have no plans to move from that house at all Angry .

She has 4 sisters who won't say a word, and they have even suggested me I get a car!! Nothing at all to them though about actually taking responsibility fir themselves. They are as bad as they are.

OP posts:
Mum5net · 13/05/2021 11:14

Your parents' behaviour towards you is hard wired. It won't improve as they get older and more frail. If anything it will get a whole heap worse. They obviously see you as their 'back up plan', hence their previous rudeness about driving. You giving them advice to move will fall on deaf ears. Don't waste your breath. They have to decide for themselves.

Difficulty after difficulty will beset them across the next five years as they have failed to plan.

The only solution you have is to modify your behaviour towards them.

Charlieiscool · 13/05/2021 10:40

You really need to put some boundaries in because otherwise you will fall apart and your children need you.
Screen your calls, be less available. Show them that you won’t drop everything for all their dramas. Is it time to suggest they sell up and move to an assisted living place? You should suggest it.