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Elderly parents
Original poster

Aunt has to go to nursing home - she thinks she's coming home

113 replies

CrystalFlyer · 02/05/2021 19:41

My Aunt has been living with my mother, her sister-in-law. It's my mums house. My mum is 79 & my Aunt 89.

Thursday my aunt had a fall (due to her not using her walking stick) and has broken her wrist and has a bleed on her brain. So she's in hospital currently .

My mum has decided she can't come home. She can't look after her and she nursed her mother and my Dad as they died and she's not doing it again at her age. Which is fair enough.

My Aunt doesn't know yet. I obviously need to have conversations with the hospital as to what we do next but I'm just not sure how to tell my aunt she's not coming home. Someone in the hospital will have to do it as visitors aren't allowed and she's very hard of hearing and can't hear me on the phone.

Anyone have any experience with this? I think she would actually do well in a home and if possible we'd bring her home for the day occasionally.

I'm worried about the capacity issue as well. She's mentally ok so she would say she wants to go home but my mum is refusing to let her back in the house.

OP posts:
Original poster
CrystalFlyer · 12/05/2021 17:01

The physio and the OT were both VERY clear that Peggy needs help with everything. She’s really unsteady on her feet but still tries to get around by herself. They’ve taken her off of blood thinners because it could be catastrophic if she hit her head again but she’s at a slightly increased risk of strokes.

OP posts:
UCOinanOCG · 12/05/2021 16:50

Good outcome thankfully.

Original poster
CrystalFlyer · 12/05/2021 16:43

Poster an update and it’s disappeared!

It’s all sorted. Peggy is going to an nursing home. Discharge coordinator asked her 4 separate times and eventually accepted it when my Aunt used the words ‘I’m happy to go’

OP posts:
Original poster
CrystalFlyer · 12/05/2021 16:42

Poster an update and it’s disappeared!

It’s all sorted. Peggy is going to an nursing home. Discharge coordinator asked her 4 separate times and eventually accepted it when my Aunt used the words ‘I’m happy to go’

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Floralnomad · 12/05/2021 15:59

If necessary get her into somewhere else and tell her she’s on a waiting list for the place she wants

Original poster
CrystalFlyer · 12/05/2021 11:05

I’m not complete free and clear yet - I explained it that you will go somewhere like cousin x (cousin x was in a nursing home and she visited him and thought it was lovely). Now she said she will go to that exact nursing home - so need to explain it might not be that exact one but one very like it.

Was speaking to the GP and he said he would be surprised if she was alive in 6 months given her decline.

OP posts:
murbblurb · 12/05/2021 10:54

nothing to add except cheerleading - it is so difficult and your aunt (and mum) are lucky they have you to advocate and make stuff happen.

stand firm. She's not going to be on the street!

Floralnomad · 12/05/2021 10:50

Well done @CrystalFlyer .

PragmaticWench · 12/05/2021 10:38

Well done! Definitely easier on your Aunt if she understands what is happening. She may have some say in where she moves to, depending on any assessments.

Original poster
CrystalFlyer · 12/05/2021 10:26

And before anyone gets the wrong idea - she’s incredibly dead on the phone - shouting is the only way she can hear me.

She’s still not entirely clear on things so I’m going to keep the meeting just so everyone is on the same page.

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Original poster
CrystalFlyer · 12/05/2021 10:15

WE HAVE PROGRESS!!!

I have just had a very loud shouty conversation with my Aunt on the phone and she is ok with the idea of going to a nursing home!!!!

I managed to get it across to her in 5 minutes so I have no clue what the discharge coordinator was saying to her!!!

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Floralnomad · 12/05/2021 09:50

Totally agree with @Viviennemary , your position is she cannot go home to your mums and it’s then up to them to work with your aunt to work out where she can go . At the moment your aunt is in effect homeless , so in the UK I assume if she didn’t want to go to a home that the council would be involved to find some kind of accommodation . Does your aunt have a key to your mums house with her as it may be an idea to change the locks.

Viviennemary · 12/05/2021 09:43

I agree with saying your aunt cannot go back up to your Mums. And dont accept a care package. What I meant was you can't decide she goes into a home. They will need to decide on the best accommodation for her. Thats what the meeting is about. The way forward. And you keep stressing moving back to your Mums isn't an option.

Original poster
CrystalFlyer · 12/05/2021 09:33

viviennemary so what do you suggest I do??

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Viviennemary · 12/05/2021 09:29

I think your mum is right in saying she can't manage to look after your aunt. But its not up to you to decide whether or not she goes into a home. You cant just go around making decisions and having property valued without POA.

Original poster
CrystalFlyer · 12/05/2021 09:24

fedupathome I just said that about the wording to my husband (before I read your post!)

Did I mention that I’m waiting on a call from the GP? I’m hoping he’ll do me a letter stating that mum is not physically or mentally capable of taking care of Peggy any more. He’s done it before apparently.

OP posts:
FedUpAtHomeTroels · 12/05/2021 09:19

Change your wording. Don't keep saying she can't go home. It isn't her home. Keep repeating she can't go back to my mothers house. My mother will no longer allow her to live there.
Remind them she lived with other family till they died, then moved in on your mother.
Every time they say that they can put services in place. Say no she cannot move into your mothers house, not now, not for a while, not at all.
The Dischage liason nurse will get it if you keep to your script.

thesandwich · 12/05/2021 09:08

Good luck today.
Have a stock of phrases and repeat repeat repeat.
It is not her home
She cannot return
You have a duty of care to find her somewhere to live.

Original poster
CrystalFlyer · 12/05/2021 09:03

seafog I just don’t know. IF they have explained it to her then she doesn’t understand because I’m being told she wants to go home. I’ve tried calling before but even with shouting she just can’t hear me.

She’s been with mom a few years now. She pays for some food shopping and maybe some coal but nothing else.

OP posts:
UCOinanOCG · 12/05/2021 08:44

At the meeting today you have to keep being clear that she has no home to go to and they need to sort something out for her. How long has she been staying with your DM? Has she been contributing financially?

Seafog · 12/05/2021 08:37

Has anyone told her yet she can't go back to your mums?
Can you phone her and just say it? Shout it of needed?

Original poster
CrystalFlyer · 12/05/2021 08:26

Her capacity was assessed as having capacity. However I do believe she might not have the capacity to understand that as she can’t go home something else will have to happen.

OP posts:
cptartapp · 12/05/2021 08:16

Just keep refusing to have her back.
If she has no claim on your DM's house she will otherwise be trespassing. Just reiterate you will lock up and refuse her entry.
They will absolutely hate you for it and try all the tricks in the book but they're paid to sort it out.
What your aunt wants is irrelevant tbh if your DM has made up her mind.
This is the tricky bit. Think long term.

Okbutnotgreat · 12/05/2021 08:03

Has her capacity been assessed? She may have the capacity to decide to go home but not to comprehend the consequences of that decision and in the case of DM an assessment of limited capacity was decided and she had to go into a home to get the necessary care.

Original poster
CrystalFlyer · 12/05/2021 07:42

She’s not self-funding. There aren’t that many other options in Ireland - don’t think we have sheltered accommodation and she wouldn’t live on her own.

I just think none of this is being explained properly to my Aunt. She is stubborn but the discharge coordinator just kept saying that she wants to go home. No one seems to be telling my Aunt that going home isn’t an option so what would she like to do instead.

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