Elderly parent and care when you really do not like them

Your mum sounds similar to mine. Mine was vile to me as a child, called me the most awful names and had no time for me whatsoever. I caught her once pinning my 6 month old son down in his travel cot when she said she would put him to bed to give me a break. I was livid and never left him alone with her again.

Now she has dementia and is in a care home and I have power of attorney for her. She still tries to bully me (see my thread on sundowning) but I am determined not to let her. I have become slightly more compassionate towards her as she is clearly terrified of what is happening to her but I still dont like her. I go along with her stories of what a wonderful childhood I had and what a great mother she was because it is easier, but sometimes I feel like I want to just let rip and tell her what a nasty, cold, hurtful mother she was and let her feel a bit of what I had- she wouldnot remember it anyway. But I dont, I come on here and have a rant about her and I stay away from her as much as I can whilst managing her affairs.

I really feel for you. Do what you need to do to keep yourself mentally healthy and if that means going low or no contact then do it.

I wouldn’t send her a letter/email OP. This would invite an argument and further discussion. Just back away. Let SS know that she’s a vulnerable adult and leave her be.

Refer her to social services. Do not get a fall alarm. They require someone local to be rung EVERY time the alarm goes. That would end up being you. And once she knows people will run to her, she may find it useful.

Refer her to social services. Explain that you can no longer provide any care for her because she is a risk to your children. And don't do anything else for her

I'd have nothing to do with her after her abuse of you when growing up. Fuck that. Or at the very most very low key contact, I would be helping her with jack shit.

Write her a letter and post it, telling her you've had enough and don't want to see her again
this might give you a feeling of closure but still I wouldnt do it.
She will not receive it in the way you intend it, she will use it against you if she can, certainly she will forward it to other people in order to punish and humiliate you.
Dont give her anything to work with, just back away slowly

She's lucky that you don't want to pay her back, because 'pay back' would mean being abusive to her.
I would distance myself, maybe do the bare minimum and contact social services if she is vulnerable?

I sympathise hugely with you OP . I too had a very horrible relationship with my own D(?)M . She developed cancer just 6 weeks after my (very) DF died . I was in exactly the same boat with my brother overseas. I chose to look after her . Not for her and certainly not for either of us mental health. I did it because I knew in my heart I was the sort of person who wouldn't be able to look myself in the eye for evermore if I didn't. We argued ( lots) I (not DM ) had many tears too . The only difference was that mine was for a finite period. I knew it would eventually end . I think possibly I may have hoped for some clarity on why she had always been so nasty too , which obviously I didn't get . It was all very sad as she endured a miserable illness followed by her inevitable death . I too was a single parent and my DCs too disliked her . I would just check with yourself before you walk away that you are able to without causing yourself any too many issues because death is final and there's no coming back . If you can do that then please do as there truly is nothing to be gained by staying. I would never advocate staying because it is thankless but in my own personal case I had to . If she hadn't have been dying I'm not sure even now 20 years on that I would have but despite everything I have few regrets because it was the right thing for me . I've never wished her back or even missed her but somehow I had to be there . Mothers can be the trickiest relationships of all . I wish you well .

Does she live nearby?

I would contact Adult Social Services, tell them you can',kt deal with her.

Tell her she is reaping what she sowed.

There is a book called Toxic Parents aswell that could help. But step away. Protect yourself and your kids. Her quoting stuff, you should hold her to it and let her reap what she has sown. She was horrible to you. You shouldn't feel a duty to her. Her wanting hugs and saying she loves you is coz she wants you around and is doing it through guilt. She is the type to never be happy no matter how much you give, so better for you and your kids to be happy than neither of you and your kids

That's exactly how I look at it to Made. That's one thing I've never tolerated. Nobody is going to make my children feel the way I did.

I'd contact social services, get an assessment and put a care plan in place then just walk away

Oh dear. I am in a similar situation though mine is not as extreme. Your mother sounds appalling. If I were you I would honestly just stop. Just stop. Block her on your phone etc, stop helping her, leave her to get on with it. I understand the guilt but she's done you nothing but damage you all your life and she's damaging your child. You owe her nothing. Write her a letter and post it, telling her you've had enough and don't want to see her again. Then stand firm.

Contact social services , she's entitled to an assessment for her care needs and a financial assessment. You can walk away, spend time on yourself and your children, some self care to help you in whatever form that takes. Take so time out and see how you feel .

Step away, please do not subject your children to the abuse against you and them.
She is lucky you love her, i certainly have no feelings towards my mother, she is a narcissist and after my dd witnessed how verbally abusive she was towards me i no longer contact them.

Your child will suffer the same abuse as you unless you can break out of this toxic cycle of guilt.

You owe her nothing at all. If it would make you feel better, set up care, and then stop seeing her. Never ever take your child if you do. Don't listen to the messages, do not respond to texts and distance and protect yourself.

It is not your job in life to serve her to the end of days op. Protect yourself and your child, before it is too late.

There was a segment on women's hour a week or so ago about this type of situation, i.e. feeling obligated to care for abusive parents. The experts they interviewed gave some tips on how to cope - you can download and listen to the podcast and might find it helpful.

Step away op and dont feel guilty, I know what it's like I've been there with my father I hated him for what he put me through as child.
It was hard to begin with ,with my siblings going on that I should do this that and the other.
But karma is a cunt at the end of the day if she wants you to care for her she should have cared for you.
Call an aged charity and see what they suggest then walk away .

Another vote for cut her off. Don't subject yourself or your family to her anymore. You owe her nothinv

Just because she gave birth to you does not mean you are beholden to her. She did not treat well and, apparently has never treated you well (nor is she treating your children well), so why do you think you have to treat her well? Set her up with one of those pendant alarms and phone her once a week to ease your unnecessary guilt, but step right back from doing things for her. She doesn’t deserve it.

You can suggest she gets a neck pendant with a subscription service. If she falls, she presses it and can get help.

Then you can cut her off. I can’t believe what you do for her when you had to end up in care! Time for her to look after herself or go into care.

She sounds very much like my "D"M. Whatever I do is never enough and she badmouthed me and my DSis constantly to anyone who will listen.

You don't have to do anything for her.

You don't even have to have her for Christmas or Birthdays.

You don't have to see her, ever.

I had some really mixed emotions about caring for an abusive and quite horrible parent until I realised I don't have to. I see her about once a week due 29 minutes. She talks at me, mainly moaning. Never asks anything about me or her DGC then I go.

That's about enough for me.

Have you ever read about FOG?