What when it's our turn?

My grandmother was a geriatric nurse and made us promise to dnr if she was failing at her life’s end. She had a massive stroke that left her disabled, blind and doubly incontinent, she would have been devastated to be in that state. She died a few days after the stroke and it was the best thing for her. It was terrible for us but she would have hated living like that.

We put animals doen out of kindness when they are failing but we don’t do the same for humans. I don’t want to be rotting away at the end. Once I lose my cognitive and physical ability then I’d like to just go praceguly and pain free.

How you feel now may not be how you feel then, and while you may be adamant now that you'll not want your children to provide care and you won't balk at the nursing home or carers coming in, you may feel differently (possibly caused by changes in your brain and personality due to aging)

This is bang on. It's one thing for a young, healthy person to say 'I'll just top myself when the time comes', quite another to actually BE old and fighting to live.

This is something that concerns me as I recently had to go through years of misery because a close relative had dementia but refused to acknowledge it or accept any care until they lost capacity. I loved them hugely but now I really do feel resentment for what they put me through and it has coloured all the fond memories I had of them. In time I hope this will fade but I wouldn't want to impose this onto anyone else.

The problem I have is I have no idea - other than going to Dignitas - how to bring about a peaceful death. I've never taken drugs and if you google all you get are pages that tell you to contact suicide helplines. I have no intention of going anywhere until my mind and body start to give up the ghost but I'd like to be prepared!

There is also the issue of children being unable to let their elderly parents go... they are kept alive so DC don’t have to deal with their death. We appear to have moved so far away from dealing with death as part of normality that no one copes with it.

As someone that has had a stroke can I recommend you do take medication to avoid one? The outcome very much depends on which bit of brain is killed off!!

Not all people that have one are left fit for a care home.

It was a shock to me when it became clear that my (very, very) elderly relative, who in her early and middle old age had blithely gone on about "push me under a bus" etc, was actually extremely afraid of death .

She had many years of very low quality of life before she died and my heart broke for her every time I saw her, no longer able to enjoy any of the things that she had when she was even in her 80s. But she absolutely would have balked at euthanasia. She really was afraid.

Anyway, she had all medications withdrawn when she became too demented ( I suspect very much hastened by utter boredom and depression) to agree to take them and it was agreed that it would be kinder to abide by her wishes and just let nature take its course. It took her another 4 years to die, physically in great nick but so frail and not recognising anyone in her family.

I don't know what the answer is. How you feel now may not be how you feel then, and while you may be adamant now that you'll not want your children to provide care and you won't balk at the nursing home or carers coming in, you may feel differently (possibly caused by changes in your brain and personality due to aging). Fuck, it's grim .

I haven't given it much thought, but initially I'm thinking I need to stay in the best possible health to mitigate as many of the issues as I can, and if/when it's a cognitive decline to just put DNR on my records. I don't want my children or their partners to look after me, I don't think it's fair on them or their future families but I also don't want to go into a home, maybe assisted living?

Trying to push someone into something they don't want or withdrawing support to get rid of them...must be horrendous.

We lost two friends this year. One was 64 and there's no cause of death known yet. He just came home from work and died quietly watching TV.

The other was a neighbour, 73, energetically gardening, then just keeled over. This was seen by another neighbour who went pelting round and she was dead in the 2 minutes it took him to get there. Athescerlosis and or/stroke.

The main thing that struck me was that they always refused to see a doctor. For that it seems they were rewarded with a peaceful sudden death. Both were fully energetic.

I'd really like to get out of the clutches of the doctor for just this reason. It depends if I can manage without HRT. But why should I forego the quality of life medication? Increasingly I think it's time I found a private doctor.

God help me if I tried to pack them off into a home
Thing is .... what are they going to do, stop your pocket money?🤭
they don't have any actual power over you when you're an adult!

I was raised to know that I would have to care for my parents and god help me if I tried to pack them off into a home! What actually happened was I left home in my early 20s, DM passed away with cancer in her mid 70s and DF is absolutely determined to make it to 100! Thankfully he doesn't live with us for if he did our lives as we know them would be over the day he sets foot through the door. I have to take him to his medical appointments which are getting more frequent, and anything else he can get me to do (shopping, etc)
I have one DS who i had at 40 and the burden of care in old age is starting to worry me. As so many on here, the last thing I want is for him to become me, a means to.facilitate someone else's happiness and ease of life. If that makes sense? Not sure it does! So we are putting in place arrangements (financial) to make it easier when that time comes.
Another thing that bugs me is that DF refuses help from Age UK although I have told him he is entitled to help with cleaning (he can't see very well so he has mice issues where he lives) He says his daughter does everything. Actually I don't, or try not to anyway! It's becoming a slippery slope.
Sorry this ended up being longer than I intended

Relieved to see this thread

Trying to resist blood pressure meds from the doctor at the moment. I am fine with my BP. They are not.

My parents are on about 14 pills a day. I understand the ones that make you feel better but most of what they have is not about that.

I also dither re the risk of stroke and then recovery but we cannot hide from ill health forever. I would like to enjoy my cheese and wine while I'm here.

The idea of ending up in a care(less) home with a bunch of incontinent mindless idiots would be worse than death. Of course, if you do end up there, it will be because you too have ended up mindless and incontinent, so you might not find it worse than death.

You can write advanced directives, which come into play if you lose capacity to decline medical treatments, for example if you get dementia you could write an advance directive refusing antibiotics if you had a chest infection, then you might die from pneumonia rather than being treated with antibiotics.

You can also nominate someone as a lasting power of attorney for health decisions, then if you lost capacity they would make your decisions. You would need to be confident they understand your wishes.

I personally would continue with blood pressure drugs etc, as I wouldn't want to be left disabled/ chronically unwell by a non fatal heart attack or stroke.

But I would want to refuse antibiotics once I was frail and declining, or had dementia, as a pneumonia or other infection would be a quicker way to go. I would also write them to refuse surgery unless the surgery was necessary for pain control.

I'm not sure of my courage to sort things out for myself. I'm putting my faith in robots - the Japanese are well on the way, having both a hi-tech society and a lot of older people.

My great grandfather died midst ploughing a field. He was found when they noticed the horses had stopped. His wife, apparently, passed away mid-kneading a stone’s worth of bread!

I support Dignity in Dying (also on Facebook) and their campaigns and I sometimes write to my MPs and / or sign petitions.

I also let it be widely know to anyone who wants to have the conversation that I do NOT with to be "kept alive". I have no fear of dying but I want to be able to live my live fully, not 'maintained' in very poor health by modern medicine.

This is something I've been open about for decades. Not a one off conversation. My dh knows. My dc know. My siblings. My friends. Everyone knows so no-one can condemn the person who ever has to make any decisions.

I know it won't help all those people that are really struggling with things but have no terminal condition, but it is at least a start.

Not many people have a clue about how harrowing human decay is.

Thing is, in the old days you fell apart and died. Now you just fall apart and exist for 20 years, if you can call it that. No one measures your suffering, funny that.

We should all be able to die with comfort and dignity. I remember, though, watching a documentary on Dignatas and the room was so stark, without warmth or comfort. It just seemed ... well ... a bit brutal really.

If you could marry the rights-based practice of Dignatas with the caring ethos of a hospice, I'd definitely would book in when I thought it was my time to go

Oh tilt I’ll bet your friend thinks of that last exchange a lot with a smile (and maybe still some tears). What a comfort.

I will also be signing a dnr both my parents had no qol at the end and i dont want my children caring for me.

I actually fear dying and really dont want to, i want my telegram! But i dont want life for lifes sake.