Helping elderly relative move home - progress and thanks!

Hi @mum5net, thanks v much for checking in, it's much appreciated. sorry for the slow response. All is ticking along ok. DM and DA still in same household, which works ok for now. A cleaner/carer goes in most days and I'm just around the corner. DM moans about it but it's actually her idea to have DA there. Inevitably the building work still isn't complete. There's talk of it being finished in the next couple of weeks. We're going to be on holiday (woohoo!!!) so I won't be around to help her move. I feel I probably ought to be doing more to make sure everything is on track but haven't been very well recently and just feel at capacity for now. Thanks again for asking. Hope all well with you and yours

She did get us a couple of takeaways and picked up stuff from the shop now and again but never in any significant / consistent, way (and she gets through a lot of wine, coffee and food!) Thing is, I don't really care about the lack of financial contribution, we're not stretched financially by having her with us and I'd rather she saved the money for the presumably huge amount she's spending on house renovations. The house clearance alone cost thousands. But she has a decent pension and must have saved something through living with other people for 4 months now and so I do think she should be in a position to rent somewhere temporarily if the building work keeps dragging on. Unless she has massively overstretched herself on the building costs and needs to scrap together every penny for that.

Hi everyone, sorry for the slow response and thank you for your messages. We actually went away (well, not very far but away) for half term and DA moved in with DM - with a helper/carer going in for two days. Practically it worked pretty well but I think they are driving each other a bit nuts. Been in to see them on both Saturday and Sunday and they are coping ok. She was meant to come back to us today but has now arranged to stay with DM a bit longer.

No more news on the situation with DA's house. To be fair, she is really desperate to go back I think but inevitably there is no news on how building work is actually going, whether she has full costs etc The work should be complete in 3 weeks according to the builder's timeline but I feel sure it won't be. I have know way of knowing though. The thing is, if I were her, I'd just book into a local bnb for the remainder of the time until the work is done. She has a decent pension and is spending quite a lot on other stuff (buying a lot of nice clothes etc) and not contributing anything to either DM or us for living with us 24/7 so I do think she could afford it, or could stay with one of her local friends. I think, if it drags on beyond the latest timeframe we were given, I'm going to suggest she does that.

Thanks, both. You're both right, I just can't bring myself to turn her away. I did have a really firm chat with her yesterday after she'd arrived back. I said I thought it was a terrible terrible idea and that, while I can't stop her, I think she's making a really big mistake. I've made it clear I'll have no involvement with the builder and his wife but that I'm expecting them to stick to the stated timeline (according to which they'd be finished in less than 5 weeks from now, which seems very unlikely). So her friend is doing all the liaising with them though it still doesn't sound as if anyone has seen any costs for anything.

Once she's back in her old place, I've made it clear that I can't commit to any regular care responsibility. DM moved into her new place at the weekend. Just moving her stuff, unpacking, getting the place decorated and getting everything set up for her has been an epic amount of work. It's really clear she's deteriorated a lot and is going to need a huge amount of support going forwards so I'm leaving DA to her own devices most of the time though i do cook for her and pick up prescriptions (and clear up the regular spillages!)

Thank you so much for asking, Creweventus. Basically, she's going on with the plan she wanted from the start (assisted by friend) to get property renovated by original people, then move back in. It seems a terrible idea but I've said what I think and no-one seems to be listening (or claims there is no alternative, though I think the alternatives just haven't been fully explored). I'm told the whole renovation project will take just six weeks, which seems really unlikely.

She's coming to us in the meantime, arriving at the weekend, but will stay between us and DM (who is moving nearby and has a carer going in each day). But I'm going to make it clear that if she goes ahead with the plan and moves back in, I'm not going to be responsible for managing her care after that.

I'm now starting to doubt myself and think I've somehow exaggerated the whole thing and that, with support, it's a perfectly reasonable solution for her. But I also just feel massively overstretched in general and I don't want to have to worry about her going forwards.

Yes, it's that long believe it or not, and the first six weeks or so was full lockdown with everyone at home together all the time. I can't remember whether my first MN post was a bit after she moved in but she arrived with us at the start of Feb (after weeks of us suggesting she move in because we knew that things had got out of hand at home even though she didn't tell us the whole truth for another 8 weeks after that). I was very 'softly softly' about the whole thing for a long time and, as a number of wise posters predicted, it got me nowhere.

Thank you so much!

This is all really helping with the firming up of boundaries. Thank you!

I more or less wrote what you suggested in the email last night. I made clear:

• exactly how bad things had been before we stepped in (friend did not have the full picture) and why I thought it wasn't sensible for her to go back to her old accommodation
• that I think getting the house back to a liveable state will be much more costly and take a lot longer than anyone seems to be acknowledging
• that I do not trust one bit the people she is entrusting to help her with this and that if she chooses to go ahead as planned I will not be helping to manage the situation.

I also asked what plans were for her accommodation in the meantime because we were expecting her back with us but she hasn't confirmed anything or communicated her new plans to us. I pointed out that she'd asked to stay with us for 3-4 weeks at the start of the year and, 14+ weeks in, she doesn't (as far as I know) even have a timeline or budget for the work so it could easily drag on for a year.

I hope having put all that in an email will be a wake-up call for all concerned but I also don't want the friend to think that I am leaving her to resolve everything. I just wanted to make it absolutely clear where I stand re this new plan and why.

Thank you, both - appreciate the support. Going to call DA and her friend this afternoon and follow up

Thanks Mum5net - I really appreciate your message. I learnt all the above in an email from the friend she is staying with and I sent a long and carefully worded email last night setting out my concerns. I've been feeling terrible about it all morning but your message has made me feel so much better. Just wanted to make I wasn't being totally callous.

DM really is enough of a commitment, stuck on the phone right now sorting out her house insurance and utilities!

Just returning to this thread for those who remember it (and the previous one that I asked to have deleted because it had become rather outing). Good news and bad:

Completing on new flat for DM today so she will be set up near us but in her own place so I can help with care. It's the end of a v long road so I'm just relieved that it is sorted (though organising her care going forwards is going to be a big commitment).

Bad news is that DA is now backtracking on her agreement to move into more suitable housing. She's apparently back on good terms with the people who were causing so much trouble before and is planning to get them to work on her original home so she can move back in again. (She hasn't told us this herself, we've heard it through a friend who she's been staying with temporarily to give us a break.) No mention of cost, timeline or where she's intending to live in the interim.

Anyway, I was just reflecting back on my original thread in which so many posters took time to post and warn me that this would happen. Turns out you/they were all right!