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Elderly parents
Original poster

Do I move in with mum or will it be a disaster?

59 replies

Myrrfect · 17/04/2021 17:55

I’m due to move home from a years overseas placement this year to move in with my mum who is 81.

My overseas trip was meant to be longer but at Christmas I was told she couldn’t cope on her own and had very little time left so handed in my notice and prepared to return - she’s now recovered and says she’s fine but looking forward to me moving in

The only thing is that my mother has been at deaths door since 2003 and I cared for her while living in my own home until last year when I just needed a bit of freedom for my sanity and her gp told me she’d be fine if she just looked after herself (in 2019)

Things I’m concerned about include space, my brother has all his stuff in mums house. He lives overseas. He lived with her and did very little, didnt work and let her pay for him for several years until he left to live abroad. He’s back this summer and he has said to mum he’s moving his stuff out while to me he’s said he’s going to clear a wardrobe and chest of drawers for me. It doesn’t sound like I’ll have much space there. Now I live in a lovely big penthouse flat in a beautiful city - there I’ll have a bed and a chest of drawers!

Also I have got a full time job at home, it’s well paid but an hour commute. From staying with mum she’s a bit of a full time project so I would need to keep the carers but I’d provide overnight and weekend care to reduce the care bill.

There’s part of me that really questions if I’m doing the right thing. I know mum needs me there but I find her quite difficult at times, she’s very opinionated, set in her ways and can be quite manipulative and I think I would be living in an uncomfortable cramped room very quietly so I didn’t disturb her. This, like the rest of the house is filled with my brothers things and although it’s a beautiful cottage set in lovely gardens it’s cramped inside.

I don’t know if I should just live in my house but then I’m back into the grind of trying to get to her after tough days/ weeks at work and I wouldn’t be providing the care she needs.

I’ve tried to talk to her today about needing some space and got firmly shut down that it was my brother right to leave all his things there and that wasn’t going to change.

I’m not sure what I should do

Move in and provide care, but live out of a chest of drawers and have no space of my own

Move to my house but not be providing the care mum needs but be close enough to see her for a few hours at the weekend

OP posts:
Scarby9 · 17/04/2021 18:14

Month at her home then month at yours? If she won't come with you, tell her the offer is open, and go.

thelegohooverer · 17/04/2021 18:13

I’ve no idea how much stuff you’re talking about, or how much storage would cost, but would it be possible to put your brothers stuff into storage until he’s back in the summer?

I can appreciate that it can be easier to live with the person you are caring for, than to commute between houses.

I think you need, at a minimum, to put your foot down about your brother’s belongings.

sleepyhead · 17/04/2021 18:09

Ask her what she would prefer:

You move in and she/your brother finds somewhere else for his stuff.

You don't move in, you visit when you can, but she can continue to act as a storage facility for your brother.

Bargebill19 · 17/04/2021 18:08

Live in your own home. You have a right to your own life etc. You won’t get this at your mums. It doesn’t sound like she is at deaths door right this minute. Alter things only when necessary.
If you can afford to, increase carers/gardener/cleaner etc. But it sounds like the current position of carers and your mum living alone is ticking along nicely.
Have you thought about a care companion to befriend your mum, in the day?
Perhaps dedicate one day per week when you see your mum, but in the position of her daughter, not her carer.

Beamur · 17/04/2021 18:03

Don't move in.

Ilikewinter · 17/04/2021 18:02

Please please please dont do this, I think you already know this will be a disaster and once you move in you will never move out.
Why cant your mum manage without you - shes managing at the moment?.
You say thats shes recovered and she says that she is fine?
My DH is caring for MIL at the moment and I cant tell you the stress that its putting on him, hes also working full time and doing sleep overs at her house (shes on end of life care so we are nearing the end). Please dont put yourself in this situation, its nearly breaking DH and you mum sounds like shes not going anywhere for a while yet.

Tinkling · 17/04/2021 18:00

This sounds very difficult OP. It’s your life too and this will be your home. I guess it depends how long this is for. A month, a year, until she dies? At (potentially 100).

Whatever you agree to work for as long as you intend to live there. If you won’t be able to manage it, don’t commit.

BeyondMyWits · 17/04/2021 17:59

Do ... NOT... move... in.

Sorry, sounds like a recipe for disaster and resentment. She is not willing to adapt to accommodate you - that will not change.

Original poster
Myrrfect · 17/04/2021 17:57

It might be easier for me if she moved in with me but she won’t leave the house and gardens

OP posts:
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