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Elderly parents
Original poster

Do I move in with mum or will it be a disaster?

59 replies

Myrrfect · 17/04/2021 17:55

I’m due to move home from a years overseas placement this year to move in with my mum who is 81.

My overseas trip was meant to be longer but at Christmas I was told she couldn’t cope on her own and had very little time left so handed in my notice and prepared to return - she’s now recovered and says she’s fine but looking forward to me moving in

The only thing is that my mother has been at deaths door since 2003 and I cared for her while living in my own home until last year when I just needed a bit of freedom for my sanity and her gp told me she’d be fine if she just looked after herself (in 2019)

Things I’m concerned about include space, my brother has all his stuff in mums house. He lives overseas. He lived with her and did very little, didnt work and let her pay for him for several years until he left to live abroad. He’s back this summer and he has said to mum he’s moving his stuff out while to me he’s said he’s going to clear a wardrobe and chest of drawers for me. It doesn’t sound like I’ll have much space there. Now I live in a lovely big penthouse flat in a beautiful city - there I’ll have a bed and a chest of drawers!

Also I have got a full time job at home, it’s well paid but an hour commute. From staying with mum she’s a bit of a full time project so I would need to keep the carers but I’d provide overnight and weekend care to reduce the care bill.

There’s part of me that really questions if I’m doing the right thing. I know mum needs me there but I find her quite difficult at times, she’s very opinionated, set in her ways and can be quite manipulative and I think I would be living in an uncomfortable cramped room very quietly so I didn’t disturb her. This, like the rest of the house is filled with my brothers things and although it’s a beautiful cottage set in lovely gardens it’s cramped inside.

I don’t know if I should just live in my house but then I’m back into the grind of trying to get to her after tough days/ weeks at work and I wouldn’t be providing the care she needs.

I’ve tried to talk to her today about needing some space and got firmly shut down that it was my brother right to leave all his things there and that wasn’t going to change.

I’m not sure what I should do

Move in and provide care, but live out of a chest of drawers and have no space of my own

Move to my house but not be providing the care mum needs but be close enough to see her for a few hours at the weekend

OP posts:
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Picnicatwankingrock · 26/04/2021 20:27

Don't do it op.

You could be sacrificing the next 10 years of your life. My DGF was told in 2005 that he had months to live. He died in 2020, 15 years later.

If the house will not be a pleasant place to live, DB isn't much help, and DM is a difficult person with high expectations then you will be setting yourself up for misery.

My poor DM had a nervous breakdown in 2018 trying to do all of the care, and it was just awful.

Give DM the option of either:
Social care helpers.
A nursing home.

Do not take it on yourself.

LinenBundle · 26/04/2021 19:36

Don't move in.

jellybeanteaparty · 21/04/2021 09:00

Set out the boundaries at the beginning of anything you do - decide what yours are ( not as an afterthought) Yes to wild swimming and enjoying your prime of life

AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/04/2021 08:19

Do not move in with her under any circumstances.

What was your mother like with you as children?. I would think she has not changed all that much since then.

Do not commit to her at all going forward. Deal with any and all residual fear, obligation and guilt you have re your mother with therapy.

thesandwich · 18/04/2021 15:43

Careful!!! Sounds like slippery slope. Do NOT commit!

Original poster
Myrrfect · 18/04/2021 15:20

Well I wavered earlier as on a phone call to mum she said she couldn’t wait til my brother comes so she “can get rid of” the carer. I panicked and asked her to reconsider but after thinking wwmd (what would mumsnet do) I think I’ll not raise any objections to anything as maybe she and my brother need to understand what her needs are (and it gives her poor lovely carer lady an escape route as she does find mum hard to deal with and doesn’t deserve the unpleasantness she gets)

This is a new Myrrfect. One who is sympathetic, but is not a martyr.

Thank you all, no more disappearing down rabbit holes of guilt n duty. @candycane222 your posts really resonated with me I really appreciate you giving me the firm words I needed

OP posts:
readingismycardio · 18/04/2021 13:30

OP, i'm so happy to read the update! ❤️

candycane222 · 18/04/2021 12:22

Yay! And as sandwich says, if you feel yourself wavering, come straight back here!

thesandwich · 18/04/2021 11:37

Brilliant news op. If you find yourself wavering, come back and we’ll all shout DONT DO IT in unison.......

MintyCedric · 18/04/2021 10:59

Good for you OP...I really hope it works out for you.

Ilikewinter · 18/04/2021 09:45

Morning OP, so glad youve had some time to reflect and replan!
I truly hope it all goes smoothly and if not you know to come back and vent 🤞😊

Original poster
Myrrfect · 18/04/2021 09:08

I’ve always read threads in aibu where the op says am I? Everyone says YES and op says no I’m not! Or in relationships where op says is this a red flag, everyone says YES and op says hmmm no I don’t think so, and wondered why ask for advice if you aren’t going to reflect and think so... I’ve had a think.

In timeline 2003-2013 it was I’ve got maybe a year 2013 - 2017 it was I won’t see next year, since then it’s been I probably won’t see next season, which sometimes reduces to next week. This has been partly supported by some healthcare professionals, she is on end of life care but as someone said upthread that is not time dependent. The GP who leads her practice and knew me as a child though said it’s mainly her responsibility and her not looking after herself, (heavily paraphrased there)

There’s been a lot of family expectation I will do this. Wider than mum and brother! My aunts looked after my grandmothers but didn’t work and received a larger share of the inheritance. This wouldn’t be the case for me.

So I’m not going to move in. I am going to return to the U.K. as travel is really hard between countries now, but I’m going to live in my own house. Get POA so I can stop paying bills and assess her finances. Ensure that I know what the right level of care is and make sure it’s in place. I’ll probably do a weekend day visit to give her carer a day off and suggest the one she is nice to does the other day. If I go stay with her, as she has my cats, it’ll be to enjoy her company and that of the cats. I’m not going to draw a line now. My brother can come back, sort out the house so people can move (and clean) easily. And then I’ll get the assessments, and my boundaries, in place.

I’m going to be 50 this year, it’s time to enjoy my life and discover new things! My son is very happy at uni, he has a very positive nature. I should be able to put time into my amazing new job and discover that city a bit more and not creep around crying over Davd Attenborough programs and comparing obscure Edwardian poets (nothing wrong with that but it’s not me really)

Maybe wild swimming.... Grin

OP posts:
MrsBobDylan · 18/04/2021 08:23

Don't. MN are unanimous and that should be all the encouragement you need to keep your independence.

CarmelBeach · 17/04/2021 23:33

Please do not do this.

I am baffled that she has been at death's door for 18 years according to your OP?

You say she won't eat if you don't encourage her. I do a little gentle encoragement on my parents but they don't seem to want to eat much since their mid 70s.

I don't understand any of this. Why should you live in one room so she can save money? If she is dangling an inheritance carrot, ignore it. Your sanity is the issue.

Do you mean Lady Crawley? I thought Matthew's mother was a lot younger!

Char1tySh0ppa · 17/04/2021 20:39

What is your brother contributing towards your mother ?

I agree with others, live separately

doodleZ1 · 17/04/2021 19:43

OP I think you have made up your mind to move in. Even though you know it will be difficult. Perhaps you should give yourself 3 months before you do so, to settle into your new job and get your house back in order after being out of it for a year. A new job and living with your mother is perhaps too much to handle at the same time? If you give yourself 3 months you can see the lie of the land and make a better long term decision? I wouldn't rush into anything this gives you time.

MichelleScarn · 17/04/2021 19:42

Oh and DO NOT MOVE IN WITH HER!

MichelleScarn · 17/04/2021 19:41

Why doesn't your brother (his stuff is more in need of space than you it seems..) move in and do the care?
What exact care tasks does she need? Not what does she want you to do, what is she unable to do?

thesandwich · 17/04/2021 19:36

Another one saying DONT MOVE IN WITH HER. Set up the other stuff, POA etc, but please don’t.
You deserve your life and happiness.

Knotaknitter · 17/04/2021 19:29

I was told she couldn’t cope on her own and had very little time left

That was the thing that made you end your overseas contract and return home, who was it that told you that? Has your mum really made a dramatic recovery or were you reeled in with amateur dramatics?

I am also fighting for my freedom, my mother's ideal living situation would be to have me back in my childhood bedroom. Wouldn't that be lovely, we could be together all of the time, she'd always have someone there to chat to, sort the tv out for her, find her handbag. Can you imagine ten years of that? I can and that's why I'm not doing it.

Don't give up your job or your independence. Social services start with a needs assessment, it's not a "wants assessment". They look at what the person needs and then from that decide how those needs will be met. Your mother has decided what she wants, just because she wants you home to be there for her doesn't mean that she needs that or that you should do it. It's not your job to make her happy, it's not your job to look after her. If you don't want to live there then don't be bullied, coerced or guilted into it.

Aquamarine1029 · 17/04/2021 19:21

You would have to be insane to move in with your mother. Don't do this.

Thatwentbadly · 17/04/2021 19:21

Who keeps saying she needs end of life care? If it’s her then I wouldn’t believe it.

constantsnaxking · 17/04/2021 19:17

Don't do it

candycane222 · 17/04/2021 19:05

I see her as often as I can because it is a pkeasure, not an obligation. BECAUSE SHE IS DETERMINED TO LOOK AFTER HERSELF.

candycane222 · 17/04/2021 19:01

I have not had children so that once they are adults, living their own lives, I can click my fingers and reel them back in. That woukd be like undoing all the hard work I did raising them to be competent, independent individuals. Its a negation of everything parenting should be IMO.

Of course I hope my children will slways visit me, even help out with practical stuff, checking I am well cared for etc. But the thought of yhem suffering and stressing on a daily basis because of me is mortifying and I would feel I had failed them. The fact that you feel her needs and wishes are your commands baffles me.

Oh and my elderly mum is still alive, I learned this attitude from her. And I love her dearly and see her as often as I can.

Please don't put yourself through this unless you literally ache to be with her, and love her company. Which you didn't in 2013, so 🤷

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