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Elderly parents
Original poster

Any tips for dealing with lonely parent.

34 replies

Imtoooldforallthis · 08/04/2021 15:52

Just that really, mum is 83, has dementia but still lives alone and cares for herself. She is gradually getting worse but for the time being is fine at home. Except she is really lonely. She only has me, I call to see her every day but only for half an hour. Usually take her out on a weekend for a couple of hours and she has a meal with us once a week. I can't do much more. Whenever I see her she is depressed and in tears usually because she can't get her words out or can't remember stuff. She needs company but all the visiting schemes are not doing home visits. Has anyone any suggestions?

OP posts:
BunnyRuddington · 10/04/2021 08:19

It must be so incredibly frustrating and upsetting for her. DMIL seemed to have very similar awareness before she suddenly deteriorated.

Have you managed to pick up any tips from this thread?

Original poster
Imtoooldforallthis · 10/04/2021 07:12

I don't want to drop feed but just a bit more info. She has been diagnosed with alzeimers but she has had a couple of mini strokes which I think are affecting her more. She knows who everybody is and there names but she can't seem to use her brain. By that I mean she know what she wants to say but the words won't come out. She knows what she wants to do but can't remember how. The consequences are that she is aware of it all and it upsets her immensely. She can't deal with any technology, struggles with the TV guide on the telly, can't use a mobile phone or tablet. She sewed all her life but her hands are shot so she has given away her expensive sewing machine and all her materials. She can't knit or crochet anymore, can't do jigsaws. The only thing she can do is potter in the garden, but if the weather's bad she can't do that.

OP posts:
BunnyRuddington · 09/04/2021 20:28

So got POA, she gets attendance allowance but doesn't want a cleaner /companion. She wants her car back so she can have her independence which is obviously not going to happen. She is not ready to go into care its just she is on her own for 23 hours a day and is very unhappy. If I ask her what she wants she just says she doesn't want to be like this

So glad you've got POA, we've found it invaluable with some of our elderly relatives.

If she's not ready for full time care perhaps just daycare where she'll probably get a meal, an activity suited to her Dementia and some company may be a good way to help her right now?

RedFrogsRule · 09/04/2021 20:28

Huge sympathy because I love my parents and watching them get old and suffer whilst juggling my life to make time for them (which was never enough) was a very stressful and upsetting time.

We paid for two hours cleaner a day to help but this was £1000 a month...

Social services were useful if you wanted to hear someone say ‘sorry but we can’t help you’ a lot....

My mum was assessed for CHC twice and failed twice despite very advanced dementia. Her 2nd fail was notified to us only when I enquired about nursing home fees for probate as she had died. The irony that she failed because her dementia wasn’t advanced enough but the same dementia caused her to die through failure to eat was not lost on me. The social worker could barely bring herself to say it.

It is so so hard caring and loving an elderly parent with dementia.

Original poster
Imtoooldforallthis · 09/04/2021 20:24

So got POA, she gets attendance allowance but doesn't want a cleaner /companion. She wants her car back so she can have her independence which is obviously not going to happen. She is not ready to go into care its just she is on her own for 23 hours a day and is very unhappy. If I ask her what she wants she just says she doesn't want to be like this.

OP posts:
BunnyRuddington · 09/04/2021 20:18

I really feel for her and you, it can't be nice thinking of her like that.

If she's often crying and seems depressed, could you speak to her GP? If she didn't give you POA before her diagnosis, the GP still may listen to your concerns about her MH, even if they can't tell you anything.

Has she got a SW too? A SW may be able to sort out some daycare for her. As a PP said, Attendance Allowance is useful fir things like Carers or Cleaners. Although she would probably need a Care Assessment before she could have access to Daycare sessions.

Also agree that it's probably a good idea to speak to the Alzheimer's Association before things deteriorate much further

Original poster
Imtoooldforallthis · 08/04/2021 20:15

She has a cat she loves and talks to. She used to read and watch telly, but more and more she is just sat in her chair looking into space.

OP posts:
FluffyFluffyClouds · 08/04/2021 18:20

It may sound daft but one of my elderly relatives had a budgie which she loved - would something like that work or not?(it would, to be practical, have to be something you'd be prepared to take in when she has to go into residential care as some take pets but not all).
Loneliness was definitely an issue in her later years even though we lived quite close by, as I remember, as a kid, reading my way through the stacks of Watchtower and Awake! that she got because she'd always ask the JWs in for tea and a chat.

thesandwich · 08/04/2021 17:16

Worth getting a cleaner/ carer companion person started now as sadly things will only deteriorate.
Contact local carers companies- local council may have lists, or ask for local recommendations.
Is she eligible for attendance allowance?non means tested. Worth looking at to help fund support. Get help completing it from age uk / carers uk as they know the right words
Alzheimer’s association may have some advice.🌺🌺

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