The Cockroach cafe -new look for spring 2021

Meh, continence nurse. That was so spring 2020. I saw the letter, made a note of the date but as it was going to be on mum's birthday I said I wouldn't be there. Did the nurse come? Was she sent away at the door? Who knows. The referral was made by the hospital after a fall, it wasn't something MIL thought she needed. I have asked about it several times in the last 16 months but am met with a brick wall every time. If there is no incontinence then I don't have to clean it off the floor then or bring pads in with the shopping.

MrsRussell I find "ok" gets overtime as my response. I am done engaging with the attention seeking madness, refusal to engage with services, refusal to act in their own best interests. I've tried and I am now officially done trying. What I am not doing is supporting the unsafe living situation, if she chooses to live in a silly house in a silly place then that's her choice but I'm not running around dealing with the results of her choices. Can't get a bus? Dear, dear, here's the number for the taxi/community transport and maybe consider moving somewhere with access to transport.

Heh! The shitting seems to be a constant doesn't it? Mine's had a letter from her cleaning company saying that is absolutely not the poor cleaner's job to clean up poo, and if she does it again they will terminate the contract. And this, get this one, this is THE CLEANER'S FAULT for going back to the office and telling them.
The thing that's making me furious at the moment is that this is her grandson's last year in primary school. He's doing SATs, he's doing his end of year show in which he has the lead role, he's doing all his secondary school inductions, he's doing summer camps with Scouts and it's all a bit weird because of Covid, so it's all doubly significant to a 10 year old. And she's chosen right now to act up.

This is how I suspect the game will play out over the next few days. She'll refuse to answer the phone, with the intention that I should go running round to check up on her. (I won't. She has a Lifeline, and neighbours.) By the time she's back in hospital - surprised it wasn't last night, but I give it till Tuesday - "I hadn't had a drink since Friday" and "I would have died if "THEY" hadn't found me" and "I've been neglecting myself, THEY say I will have to go into a home".

It's all very passive-aggressive and spiteful and I CBA with it. To begrudge attention to a 10 year old is just..... oof.

The reality is, the more we do, the more we are expected to do. Until we run ourselves ragged.

Asking for a referral for her to the continence nurse gets me top seat on the bad daughter bench I reckon. She thrusts the letter at anyone and everyone who comes to the house. I live in hope that she is so angry she stops shitting everywhere.

I think we need some sort of terraced seating because the bad daughter bench is full again. The solution to all mum's troubles would have been me moving back home and I'm not doing it. I'm not doing single handed 24 hour care because I'd quite like to have a life of my own rather than it being totally controlled by mum's needs. I love her dearly but I just couldn't.

MrsRussell You can't help someone who won't be helped. That's all there is to it. If there's someone determined to go to hell in a handcart there isn't a deal you can do about it. I think in your shoes I'd be turning the phone off too and researching jobs at the other end of the country. Does it come with a side order of "you made me do it" and "this is all your fault"?

In your situation I would do the same as you- probably would have done it sooner,

Surely, but you all stick at it. Whereas the only way I can have any kind of relationship with her is to walk out and shut the door behind me and leave her to it.

I've turned the phone off so that when I get the inevitable call from the ambulance services this weekend that she's fallen, or she's vomiting blood, or that I'm apparently dead in her back bedroom, I won't be dealing with it.

Hello mrsRussell please stay! You’ve evidently walked past the bad daughter bench which dominates the cafe which is HEAVING with those of us who struggle with our dp’s and try and have some sort of life…… and battle resentment, guilt and all other sorts of unsaintly thoughts…… there’s room for you too!
Your dm sounds incredibly difficult. 🌺🌺

Hello all, sorry to see some of the same names struggling in the same ways (I used to be Cattermole, but I lost my login!) and I take my hat off to all of you. Please take care of your precious and valuable selves, there is only one of you and it needs to be cared for too.

I stopped by for a bijou rant-ette about my DM - who is a selfish, manipulative drunk, and who is drinking herself to death and hoping to make me responsible for it because I'm "cold" apparently that she can't come and live with me - and that was a tiny, tiny percentage of it but I am so very humbled and saddened by the care and love you have for your parents that I shall just let th door hit me in the arse on the way out.

Keep on keeping on, you have my uttermost respect.

live under house arrest

Glad you're having a better time knot.

How are you feeling today hairbrush?

I've spent the morning in our nearest city clothes shopping with DD which has been lovely. Just having a quick trip round Sainsbos while she's at the gym then home for a cuppa and a scone.

Mum called first thing as she's remembered we were out today (nearest city is 12 miles away ) and was not happy that I wouldn't be round the corner.

I pointed out that I can't be expected to love under house arrest for the foreseeable future.

She replied, "And I can't..." then tailed off. Not quite sure what point she was about to try and make...

That sounds like a good outcome all round Knot. Enjoy the garden.

knot that is so good to hear.
Hang on to that. So glad your dm is accepting help.

My garden is seeing the benefits of me having given up the care gig. I hadn't realised how much I'd stopped doing in my own life while I was busy running mum's life. I still feel guilty and yet she's having her hair washed (she wouldn't do that for me), going in the bath (impossible for years) and she doesn't look like she lives in a cardboard box because when I packed her suitcase I made sure that her "working clothes" didn't go with her. I'm sleeping, I have time for walking, I'm not on the crisps and wine diet and I have time in the day to do things that make me happy.

Am I going to use this free time to take on the care of my MIL, the one that won't acknowledge her hearing loss or memory loss, the one that refuses to make any changes that would make her life easier, the one that I've not got on with for thirty years? No, I risked my health for someone who loves me and appreciated me but I'm certainly not doing it for someone who dishes out orders.

Hairbrush your body is telling you something - you need to listen to it

Hairbrush If you ever need a reminder of why you need to step back and take some time for yourself, this is it.

Oh hairbrush you poor thing! Please take on board all the medical advice and DO NOT go back on what you have said.
🌺🌺🌺🌺

@exexpat

Hope things are a bit better for you now?

The good thing about an elderly person being taken to hospital after a fall is that they should not release her again without an occupational therapist/physio assessment of what she is capable of doing, a check of the home circumstances, and a care package in place. They should talk to you as part of that, and you need to be really, really honest about what she is like on her worst days.

It doesn't look as though they are going to check over the caravan before she comes home because it is dry and leak proof, has running water and heating and is basically sound. However they have said that she will come home with a care package of four visits a day and we have said that we will no longer provide personal care of any sort.

To add to the mix: I ended up in A&E yesterday with stress induced amnesia. I started the day with a headache (I can remember that) then my husband appeared in the middle of the day because I had made strange calls to him at work. I remember nothing other than waving my mum goodbye and him walking through the door twenty four hours later.

I sat in A&E for six and a half hours to be told that it was stress induced and I should go home and rest. The strangest thing was that I thought my phone was playing up, I could not believe that I had sat there for so long. It felt like 30 minutes - maybe an hour at the most.

Today I am home and with the help of my daughter I am getting through all the washing that I didn't do yesterday because my brain was fried.

expat thinking of you.🌺

Expat I am sorry to hear that, I'm glad that he's not spending his final days in solitary though. I think he'll get all the good drugs to make him comfortable as they aren't worried about addiction or long term side effects.

I'm thinking of all of you who have hit a rough patch in the road at the moment. We'll get through this, one foot in front of the other until we are out the other side.

When DM was discharged after her stroke (so I know it's not exactly the same) Hairbrush the OT people came to her house to see what aids she would need, and they then provided a commode, perch stool, etc

Sounds like you are also going through difficult times Expat we are here if needed.

My father has been back in hospital for ten days or so, and is now officially in end-of-life care, so it looks like I needn't have worried about him going back into self-isolation at the nursing home: he won't be going back there.

The good thing about him being officially end-of-life in hospital is that they relax all the visiting rules, so rather than just one designated visitor (which was me) I can now also take my mother in, and her housekeeper/carer can also take her in separately.

The good thing about an elderly person being taken to hospital after a fall is that they should not release her again without an occupational therapist/physio assessment of what she is capable of doing, a check of the home circumstances, and a care package in place. They should talk to you as part of that, and you need to be really, really honest about what she is like on her worst days.

It sounds to me like she is long overdue for a move to a care home, but I presume she will tell them that she can manage perfectly well by herself (ie with you at her beck and call) - you need to make sure they realise quite how much support you are giving her, and how her needs are now moving beyond what one person can do.