The Cockroach cafe -new look for spring 2021

Minty it's whether he can use your concerns against you, that's the thing. Keep it formal, I would, approach the agency not him and play his game back at him: you're worried that your mum is developing feelings for him that might make it hard for him to behave professionally, you're aware that she has been overstepping the client/carer boundaries (and give examples, eg the online stalking) and that people outside your immediate family have started to pass remark on it, and you would like some action to be taken to safeguard both your mum and his professional integrity.

You're not accusing him of anything, after all. You're saying, I think, that you're worried that your mum is emotionally vulnerable and that you want to be sure that everyone involved is protected, including her carer. I mean it would be the end of his career if he were to be found to have been grooming one of his clients, right...?

Minty, I think you should give the agency as much detail as possible - I used to work with vulnerable adults & the things you describe would be a definite no no. In the case of friending on Facebook, where I worked it would have been a disciplinary matter. I would have thought the agency would also be concerned because it could lead to them having their reputation (as an agency that safeguards its clients) bought into disrepute.

In other news mil has started the crocodile tears regarding her behaviour on my Son's 18th birthday. Dh has told her that her behaviour was not acceptable.

A quarter of a fucking century I've been putting up with her bigotry and judgement.

I'm done.

Just include all of the above^ info, including noting other people who know your mum being concerned.

Please don't leave it.

Your mum will do what she wants re: the proceedure. You know this. There's nothing you can do about it.

I'm so very sorry. Her behaviour over the past 18 months has been nothing short of abusive towards you and your late dad.

She sounds like a total narcissist.

A more accurate version would be:

• Contact via FB between visits for several months
• When this is not reciprocated, mum gets extremely distressed
• Obsession/online stalking (I found out yesterday she has acquired his address. He knows this and has done nothing about it).
• Some very inappropriate physical contact on one occasion, instigated at least in part my him, which he then said couldn't happen again and that it was her who started it (gaslighting?)
• Warning her not to be overly friendly with him at dads funeral (obviously aware of what people will think), yet hanging around and trying to ingratiate himself with my dad's brother and friends
• Constantly asking her if she's spoken to me about things...'what does Minty think?' etc, which Mum finds endearing but I think is him trying to establish if I'm onto him.
• Mum's friends equally concerned, as we're carers from other agency as far back as January.

I don't know whether to do it now or wait until after the procedure. As we're already barely on speaking terms I feel like addressing it now and getting the shitstorm out of the way in one hit might be wiser.

Next issue is how much detail to go into. I was thinking:

"I'm concerned that mum has developed feelings for him that are inappropriate in the context of their relationship. I know he is aware of this and the fact he seems unable/unwilling to maintain appropriate boundaries makes me question his motives. The situation is also having and extremely detrimental affect on mum's health and wellbeing."

But will this be enough? If they manage to fudge over it and I go back and tell the powers that be everything it's going to look like I'm making it up because nothing has been done. It's so bloody ludicrous that I can't imagine anyone thinking it's believable.

Definitely contact the agency
They need to know about his behaviour
It's raising all sorts of red flags

I'd be wary of approaching him direct too Minty - in my experience of manipulative folks, they can often use that as "THEY are just trying to stop us being friends, THEY don't understand our special friendship" and it all gets a certain weird teenage glamour about it.

Grief affects people differently. I would speak to his agency rather than confront him. You’ve got enough on.

I've seen mum briefly this morning as needed to.pick some bits up that I left there on Friday.

She says she understands and won't talk about him any more but it's clear she's saying what she thinks I want to hear and doesn't really 'get it'.

She also said she can't bear to cancel his visits until after her heart procedure next month, which puts me in a predicament as she's cancelled it three times already and I don't want it to happen again.

I am tempted to confront him directly tbh.

Oh and mum has started smoking again after 14 years on the wagon .

I can remember my DM got very attached to the woman volunteer who used to drive my dad to respite care at the hospice. I think DM interpreted her empathy as friendship, and after dad died DM used to get her to go on days out with her. Poor woman had to extract herself in the end, DM was so messed up that she just didn't get what was going on.

Minty, I know it probably isn’t what you want to be spending time on now, while you grieve your lovely dad, but have you reported the inappropriate relationship to the carer’s agency? It seems like such a straightforward case of potential elder abuse. It’s not the same, but my mum became very attached to one of my dad’s carers - more in a ‘wanting to mother him’ way than anything else (inviting him to tea, trying to get him an allotment!) - but he was very professional, though kind. He only accepted one invitation to tea and came with his line manager! Anything else would certainly have cost him his job (and work permit).

Bloody hell Minty your DM is reaching Diva level. Just what you need.

Mum's friend has just got off the phone. Mum's lunacy continues unabated and she has had to leave after my mum basically held her hostage for 20 minutes earlier and accused her of being untrustworthy and taking her side.

She was sat in her car gathering herself when she saw mum hurtling past in her car. No idea where she is although she apparently knows carer's address...

Just off out to see if her car is back yet.

nota has she rainy day money to buy in help or company? We have a situation going on 350 miles away where everyone and anyone turning up gets screamed Get out my house

Mine was released from hospital earlier this week, and has decided that if she's got to go back into rehab....she'd better start drinking again.
WTAF.
Just...done.

I responded and said I'm struggling with the amount of juggling I'm already having to do for her various medical appointments, and he said if I give him enough warning he can take a day's leave to cover it. (He's on a zero hours contract, in a really precarious role).

Note the admin is all still on me though.

Notaflying I’d call your DB and tell him that you are hanging on by a thread at work. Why keep something that serious away from him? If he doesn’t step up, then at least you know. It is so hard juggling work, your own family and a 24/7 elderly

minty hurrah for friends. Look after yourself.
nota things sound really tough. Can you step back for a week or so from dm? Tell DB and anyone else that you are taking time off to protect your fragile health? Get social care to do more?
Worried for you. 🌺🌺

Spoke to Mum's friend...doesn't sound like she's been very successful at getting through to her but she's planning on staying with her tonight and my best mate is coming back to me later too.

We are very lucky with our friends.

Mum has been giving it the 'how can she do this to me' and telling my friend that I'm being unreasonable for putting her and mum's friend in an awkward position.....

Both friends are completely on Team Minty!

Next time your DB sends that kind of message, could you reply with 'great, thanks...which of those can you tackle and I'll do the others?"

I've realised the thing that annoys me more than DM saying before you go could you just, or could you get your DCs to.... and that is when DB visits and texts me DM needs x,y and z doing. The latest being her toenails need cutting. I texted back ...and?

I'm hanging on by a thread at work atm, my stress levels are through the roof and I am barely coping with the amount I already have to do for her.

Haven't spoken to mum since I left hers yesterday.

She called my best mate last night but doesn't seem to have really grasped the issue at all.

I've tried to get hold of her friend who stayed over but no luck. DD walked past at half 9 and her car had gone.

I spoke to her briefly last night and she'd let mum have it both barrels as well so whether she's had enough too I don't know but would imagine it's highly likely.