The Cockroach cafe -new look for spring 2021

mere I just wondered because things feel like chores when I put them on a to do list.

Back from mum's. She is starting to chuck out photographs, it feels like progress. Famous last words...

@OnthePiste

I hadn't heard about that but it is so helpful.

As it stands he can have one named visitor to his room in PPE, and anyone else has to visit him in the visiting pod, but as he's bedridden that's really not an option. He could be hoisted etc but really didn't like it last time so wouldn't want to put him through it now he's so much more frail.

I will look into it over the weekend while I'm doing the other prep.

Does any one have a list of suggestions or link to things he could take in to help him settle? They are putting an Echo dot in his room and can help him video call us on tablet or laptop.

I'm packing some dark chocolate buttons for him and doing them a little info pack (which they've requested) about his life, interests, and needs, and have started knitted him a fidget blanket which probably won't be ready before Monday but hopefully can drop that off in the week. Am also going to get a multiple picture frame as last time.they asked if we'd like to take one in to hang on his wall so will fill it with family photos for him.

Hi Minty glad to hear your dad has been better today. They do vary don't they? Saw mum today, she looked at death's door after being all chirpy and with it last Sunday. She could barely walk, really hope she perks up before she's due to go home. No way could she in this state.

Have you heard of the Essential Care Giver status that the govt have recommended care homes allow? It means you can be a carer for your dad in the home in addition to your mum's visits and spend a lot more time with him, feeding him etc. You should be permitted to visit a lot more than a regular visitor (although not sure how your mum would cope with that??) Not all CH's are up to speed with it though so you may have to push for it. The Rights for Resident's Facebook page has lots of info on how to apply,what you need to say etc.

Minty, I think it's right not to mention it.

Cheers all.

I didn't mention the convo with the carers to mum, she's upset enough already and I genuinely don't think we can take dad's comment at face value.

Dad has been on brilliant form this morning...whole tub of porridge and cup of tea for breakfast. Another half a cup of tea mid morning, then half a pot of teriyaki noodles and 2 portions of Angel Delight for lunch!

In between that we've had a chat and he managed to exchange a few words on the phone with his brother for the first time in months.

I feel a bit guilty and worried about what the next two or three weeks will hold, but at the same time as if a weight is very slowly being lifted.

minty thinking of you. Hold your nerve. Glad you put your dd’s needs first.
Please repeat to your dad and the carers that the current situation is untenable.🌺🌺

Minty, that's good that they've set it now xx

We've had the call...transfer will be 1.30 - 2pm on Monday.

We have no idea how long this could go on for. The last thing I want is for him to get the stage where he needs frequent palliative intervention and we're having to call out the Echo team constantly and wait however long for them to attend.

It makes more sense for him to be somewhere those needs can be handled quickly 24/7.

It's the 10 day quarantine when we can't visit that is really distressing.

Mere I no longer think about whether I'm useful to society though I guess I did in the past. The past really is another country.

I mentioned on another thread that I watched Trainspotting the other night and the nostalgia....! But, I had forgotten the part where Renton says - paraphrasing - if there was such a thing as society, it had nothing to do with me.

Do you count botany and music as part of free time?

PS actually it's not the ruin of one life because he goes into the home

I meant, he is very ill, but that is better dealt with by professionals rather than spoiling the lives of other people.

My father was in hospital for most of the last three months and kept apologising for being a bother. Of course I said "no bother" but I really appreciated him understanding that.

It would not have occurred to us, even mum, for whom he was The World, to have cared for him at home. I looked into nursing homes because they kept telling us he'd live. There is no way we'd have done what you and your mum are doing, Minty.

Minty "I've had a little chat with him since and he didn't even remember having the conversation, but the powers that be still consider him to have capacity."

This reminds me of dad being considered to have capacity.

I don't want to go into it too deeply but there was a point where mum would leave the room and he'd say "please persuade your mother to consider a hospice". And then when I tried, he'd say he had never asked.

I would say to the carers that a) you are on the verge of physical breakdown, and do emphasise the physical and b) tell them to talk to your mum rather than you.

I would certainly hold your ground. I get that your father may feel abandoned but the current state is the ruin of three lives instead of one.

Dad has told the carers this morning that he doesn't want to go into the residential home next week...he wants to stay at home.

They have raised it with me rather than mum for obvious reasons. Told them that he consented to the move prior to us getting the ball rolling, and asked to go in somewhere 'to give you and your mum a break' in the interim.

Also pointed out that since mum, as next of kin, is unwilling to have further support at home, the hospice has refused to get involved, and I can't be here 24/7, he cannot get the care he needs staying at home and will certainly suffer for that going forward.

He's said to me since that he thinks Mum wants him out of the way .

This is off the back of mum throwing a hissy fit last night as I ended up going home with DD instead of staying here as she was having a rough evening for various reasons.

I don't know what to do about his comment to the carers this morning. I've had a little chat with him since and he didn't even remember having the conversation, but the powers that be still consider him to have capacity.

Haven't mentioned it to mum yet. Feel exhausted already.

It's a rude awakening and one I really should have expected one day

I never expected any of this either...everyone in my family bar a relative on each side who make it to 81, has passed away before 80, in sound mind and either very quickly as a result of a stroke/heart attack, or from cancer with a definitive diagnosis, prognosis and relevant support in place.

I did not expect to be hurtling towards fifty, having gained my freedom from an abusive marriage, only to be tied down by caring responsibilities.

I am not amused with fate right now, I can tell you!

I guess I always thought she'd stay the same kind, caring, independent nan that I've always known and loved. It's a rude awakening and one I really should have expected one day

Nodancingshoes

This bit "I do usually like spending time with her but that was before the arm break when it was just tea and chatting - Now its actual care, I guess now I can see just how old she really is, she's never seemed that old before"

@AcornAutumn Which bit??

I've had a day off today and actually been to work! By 10am Nan had rung my sister crying and she had to go and pick her up something from the chemist...I'm trying not to feel guilty - I have to get back to work sometime!!
I do usually like spending time with her but that was before the arm break when it was just tea and chatting - Now its actual care, I guess now I can see just how old she really is, she's never seemed that old before

Minty "The thing with the free time is that I get more angry and resentful if I don't do something with it"

Exactly. I don't count recovery time - from any stress, work or parents or whatever - as "free" time.

Minty I can see you get pleasure out of looking after your Dad.

I do tbf...but I feel terribly guilty that I know I would struggle to do the same for my mum.

The thing with the free time is that I get more angry and resentful if I don't do something with it. Sometimes I'm more accepting of it, other times not so much. There has been considerably more TV and afternoon naps lately (I'm really struggling with being back into 6.30am starts/school run mode again).

I conceded defeat and got a handyman in last week to do the half a dozen or so DIY jobs I've been putting off for months.

Have stressed to mum that once dad is in the home she can come to me more often so at least I can be getting on with things here and tbh she'd probably help out.

I helped my Dad move house about a year ago, so that he could be down the road. Overall, the move went a lot better than I thought it would. And it helps me to keep reminding myself that over the last year he would definitely have been more lonely, more vulnerable and just as frustrated if he had been living alone in the family home, at the other end of the country.

Whenever I feel I'm not doing enough, I remind myself that I've already done a lot to improve his situation. I recognise that feeling that there is just no mental or physical energy left to do anything else, but by setting some boundaries I'm just about staying on the right side of OK.

Knot I don't have a stressful family situation though? Sorry, maybe it sounds like it because I moan a lot.

I just wish I had a button I could press to make me more of a people person.

Mere re the length of a sentence
I often feel as if people take ages to get to the point. If mum gets to be much older I really don't know how I'll cope.

nota are these care plans minor details? Everything is made into such a big deal nowadays, I can see that happening.