The Cockroach cafe -new look for spring 2021

The year after I left my XH I took DD to Yorkshire for a week and we stayed here, which quickly became my ultimate happy place.

I've tried and failed to get back a couple of times since but have it booked for next July...there are no words for what I'd give to have a week there on my own right now though!

Its difficult.
She is very bitter about dad dying astound has ge did before he retired. All their plans. I get it. But there's fuck all I can do about it.
She's coming here for Easter lunch - the joys!

Knot I often think the elder care stuff has become a bigger deal for many reasons, but tech is one of them. Also, I think in the past there was a different definition of care and it didn't include "My ipad isn't working".

jen We avoid mum on their wedding anniversary. She doesn't need daily care so it's easy to do. I know it's a bad day for her but I have a couple of days that are bad for me - death of friends - I don't inflict all the "what ifs" on anyone else.

That said, we think my sister forgot it this year but we've all got enough troubles without remembering a wedding anniversary. No idea if mum grumbled to her mates though.

Blimey minty what a week you've had! - I've had once of those too but mum seems fine now and I've told my sister I'm not available for more lifts.
I've spent today doing DIY jobs with dh at mums and here at home. More to do tomorrow.
It would have been mum and dad's 50th wedding anniversary tomorrow 😒 so we will be going to the cemetery. It will be a difficult day for her.
I've reminded my siblings
I have my next appointment at the eye hospital next month and my 2nd vaccine in the same week.

Minty don't miss the opportunities to point out to your mum that you wouldn't have had the ability to lavish this level of care on her if you'd been looking after your dad as well. You do only have the one pair of hands.

In today's news I have taken my mobile number out of the memory of mum's phone. She has it written in numerous places so if she can find it and dial it she can call it but now I'll just have the one phone ringing rather than her dialling one then the other. When I've gone for a walk to get away from the phone for an hour then I've been leaving my mobile at home and I've been rumbled by my son. "But what would happen if...?" - well I'd deal with it as we used to do in the days before mobile technology but I don't want him worrying about me and I don't want a stream of consciousness call from mum so something had to change. I thought I would feel guilty but I don't. 10/10 would recommend.

Ah Minty
I wish you could come and sit in my flat

It's small, styled a la junk shop, no cats, just me, but my friends tell me they find it peaceful here. Which is what I was going for. It's a happy peaceful place in a strange urban noisy way.

The quality of life issue is huge I think. I've actually joined Dignity in Dying, a pressure group that campaigns for legalised euthanasia, since Dad has become unwell. It's inconceivable to me that we don't allow animals to continue in these circumstances but the 'powers that be' decree its acceptable for humans to suffer,sometimes for years, with little to no quality of life.

I have to say this week has been an absolute doozy. Mum has reacted to the antibiotics for the UTI so not started the ones for the leg infection. She's had chills (heating was on 27 when I went round there yesterday), extremetiredness, skin mottled purple and white, dizzy spells.

On top of that she tripped in the garden yesterday and cut her ankle just below where the leg swelling/infection is.

So...4 calls to/from various out of hours bods this morning and she's now been prescribed an AB she has no history of reaction to, and which will work on both infections.

She's also been advised that she should still go for her second Pfizer jab tomorrow...God help me!

Managed to get a puncture yesterday after being locked out on Tuesday 🙄....

Hazarding a guess that the next couple of weeks are going to be similarly fraught and at the end of that mum will announce she wants to bring to Dad home...🤪

I think we can all relate to the grief/relief conundrum. I feel like I've pretty much lost my dad already, but it's been such a long drawn out process I can't imagine how I will actually grieve when the time comes.

My mum left the building some time since. The woman I care for can't remember much about me (do I take sugar, how many siblings do I have) and the connection that we had is pretty much gone. There was one day about a month since where she was enough like mum, it was lovely and I went home and cried. I've done my grieving for the mum I knew, her personality is slowly draining away.

@AcornAutumn Quality of life - absolutely. He has been through so much over the past couple of decades, and despite his mobility and independence being chipped away progressively by a succession of health crises and conditions, I would say that until recently he was still getting quite a lot out of life - he was mentally all there, read the Times every day, supervised work on the garden and in the house and so on.

But now he is constant pain, suffers from episodes of acute confusion and agitation (probably brought on by a combination of pain meds, infections, constipation and diabetes) particularly when in hospital, has lost his dignity, and I suspect there is also an element of vascular dementia starting to affect his underlying cognitive state. It is not a life I would wish on anyone.

And possibly because he has nearly died so many times over the years, during which time other people close to me have died far too young, the prospect of it does not seem daunting any more.

@exexpat it's quite a rubicon to cross isn't it? If someone had told me a year ago I'd be wiping my dad's bum and administering suppositories, I'd have laughed in their face.

I think we can all relate to the grief/relief conundrum. I feel like I've pretty much lost my dad already, but it's been such a long drawn out process I can't imagine how I will actually grieve when the time comes.

Also, and this is horrible I know, I dont like going in the mornings. When the inevitable happens, I dont want to be the one to find her...I couldnt cope with that.

@Nodancingshoes I hope that's not something you have to deal with, and I don't know if this is reassuring but...when my lovely nan in law passed, it was me and my ex MIL that found her. We'd had a call to go round and say our goodbyes as she only had a few days, but she slipped away about 90 minutes after we arrived.

MIL and I were having a cuppa in the next room and realised during a lull in conversation we couldn't hear her breathing (she was 89 and had pneumonia, MIL was a care nurse so she stayed at home).

When we went in it was immediately apparent that she'd passed, and also that 'she' was no longer inhabiting her body...it sounds woo but it was very obvious to me that her soul, the essence of who she was, had left her body, and in a way I found that immensely calming and comforting. It was, as the poem says, like she had simply walked into another room where we couldn't see her, and as such wasn't at all frightening.

exexpat I totally understand. Quality of life is the thing.

My mum has a DNR. The GP was very unhappy that she asked to do it. She wasn't yet 80 and they had tried to persuade her into having a pacemaker but there's a serious longevity problem in her family and she was worried about prolonging her life.

She said they were irritatingly grim faced throughout the whole form signing thing and she wanted to crack a joke but it wouldn't have been well received!

DF has a 'Respect' (?) form that accompanies him on his regular ambulance rides to hospital, which specifies DNR and also now mentions a 'ward based ceiling of care', which I presume means they would not put him through ICU treatment. He spent five weeks in ICU nearly 20 years ago, and we all know that it would be futile for him in his current frail state.

Yep, I understand exexpat. I went to some dark places in my head when dad was in hospital earlier in the year. If something could have carried him off at that point, there would have most definitely have been relief alongside grief. And when they broached the matter of a "do no resuscitate" order I was able to say honestly that I know he would be in agreement.

I have been lurking in the cafe for a while, but today can I join you just to say aaaaaaargh! to people who are dealing with the same shit?

Literally shit, for me today: for the first time I had to clean up my DF after an episode of diarrhoea in his incontinence pants when he didn't make it to the commode in time. He had just been discharged from hospital a few hours earlier. Dealing with 'intimate care' had previously been my red line, but I was the only one around to help - DM is also frail and disabled, and the next carer visit was not due for hours - so I just had to do it.

DF is early 80s and has been disabled with multiple health issues for nearly 20 years; he keeps surprising the medics by bouncing back from near-terminal events, but I think we might be entering the final spiral of decline. And I don't like to say it, but I think you lot will understand: it might come as a relief to both me and DM.

Small breakthrough here. Nan has agreed to a carer to help her in the mornings and do some everyday jobs for her. This will take a huge amount of pressure of me. Also, and this is horrible I know, I dont like going in the mornings. When the inevitable happens, I dont want to be the one to find her...I couldnt cope with that.
Hope you are all well xxx

It's turned out I've got the wrong end of the stick and the heart appts are next Thursday and the following Monday.

Mum has got a second lot of antibiotics for her leg on the assumption it's an infection rather than a clot...

Thanks for the laundry bag tip knot and are you getting action for your ears? Sounds rough.
minty you’ve got a lot on with your mum - your dad is being taken care of, so try and regroup if you can.
Had to decline dm’s second jab appointment as due to collect dd but fortunately got a new date next week- phew.

Thanks for the info about the powder and bags

Knot what's the deal with ear infections, poor you.

Hi

There's a thread here about similar issues with an elderly parent

I thought maybe you lovely people might have advice

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4204853-Unhappy-at-GPs-regarding-elderly-parent?watched=1&msgid=106079318#106079318

Minty that sounds like a positive conversation with your dad. It has given you the time to spend on your mum's health needs because you wouldn't have been able to run her to the GP and look after him too. It might not make you feel better about it but it might be a positive for her.

Someone here mentioned the red laundry bags to me, I wish I'd known about them sooner.

It's not been one of my better days, I know deep down that the reason is that my recurring ear infection stopped me sleeping last night. Today I have no patience for the same question again and again or the "I'll just be here in my lonely sojourn" message or the constant phone calls.

Ooohhh thanks for that Knot I've just ordered some red laundry bags.

Just spoke to Dad at the home...he didn't sound sure of where he was but seemed to grasp it when I explained it to him. Complained that mum's gone off him since he's been ill 😒. Had to tell him that we're not allowed to visit at the mo. On the upside he said he was watching something good on TV and had had a nice lunch. Mum will get the spin-doctored version of the conversation...