The Cockroach cafe -new look for spring 2021

Long term lurker/occasional poster here. Minty, yes you absolutely should leave her to it. It is what she says she wants, and you can’t keep second-guessing her. There will, of course, be fallout, of the ‘you abandoned me’ variety, but if you do her the courtesy of believing that what she tells you she wants is what she actually wants, you have nothing to reproach yourself with.
Have a lovely time with your friend.

Mum is still a pile of tears and snot and insisting that she's not coming for Easter lunch...she seems depressed rather than PA.

I have my best mate coming, I can't just cancel. Have said to mum I'll check on her in a couple of hours and see if she's changed her mind and if not will pop dinner round for her to eat at home later.

Feel so, so guilty for not dropping everything and leaving her to it. I should, shouldn't I?

I hope it doesn't!
Dad wouldn't want that I'm sure.

Oh Jen I cross posted

I feel bad now.

Is it awful if I say I don't think it will come and get you 8 years on?

I will creep away now!

I had a lot of people tell me not to cry in front of mum, which I did my best with

A lot of my grief was before he died

I got annoyed last night because someone posted her mum died and got one reply saying "it doesn't get better, it gets different". This was said to my recently bereaved friends too.

I get that everyone's different but I honestly believe, for the vast majority, it gets better. Two weeks after, I barely knew my name. Two years later, it's okay, it's the natural order of things and I was lucky to have him. I was able to laugh at things within a couple of months. I still remember watching Glastonbury 2019 on the TV and I was just happy, dancing in my lounge, and he'd have wanted that. Eat, drink and be merry, he'd say. He had a good life.
🥂 to dad!

Interestingly, Mum has conceeded I've had a couple of "good ideas" lately :)

I hear you.
Its been nearly 8 years since we lost dad...I can't grieve properly because I have no mental or emotional space to do so and mum made it VERY clear her grief trumps mine (or anyone else's for that matter)
It'll all come crashing down at some point I'm sure.

It's been a year now and I've cried for dad briefly on 3 occasions. All the other times I've been upset it's been over mum.

I don't know if I'll ever be able to grieve for my dad properly because of everything revolving around mum so much, but I guess it will all shake down at some point.

Oh minty I'm sorry. You know it's all bullshit though, right? Projection and fear.
As for her "friends"...is it them telling you that you are an awful daughter or her telling you that's what they are saying?
I had this with mum a few weeks ago if you remember?
Asking me for help then telling me that I had "too much power" and that she didn't control anything (???)
So the next time she says anything about not being able to cope you tell her...if you help her you do not even expect to have it thrown back in your face at a later date!
I know that people react differently to grief/trauma but her treatment of you is not ok. She is supposed to love you.
You are both grieving the person your dad was - her pain does not trump yours.
I hope in the future you salvage a relationship with your mum but its ok if you can't. You aren't a robot designed to meet her every need.
Please look after yourself xxxx

Side note

Can anyone offer this poster help with DOLS?

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/elderly_parents/a4208911-Dols?msgid=106166142#106166142

Checking in to offer sympathy and understanding here on the bad daughter bench.
Hope everyone gets something out of tomorrow even jus5 an excuse to eat chocolate.
And minty extra 🍷for you.

Oh Minty, I'm sorry

My mum's friends are baffled I don't live with her

Hell, even one of my friends suggested it! In their case, it's because they see Acorn's lovely mummy - and yes she is lovely - and think, oh, they love each other, it's a big house - but is right for a woman in her prrrrrime to live with an 80+?

One of the reasons the flat is happy is because, fingers xd, touch wood etc, I enjoy my life. I cannot pick up that life and put it one room of a fussy elderly person. She wouldn't even let dad in the garden after 7pm in summer. It's like she thinks monsters will eat you.

Sorry, that was all me. I hope your mum snaps out of it.

Well I've just called mum and 'enjoyed' another bout of guilt tripping, abuse and mind fuckery...such fun.

Apparently I treat her like a child, try to control everything (because she constantly says she can't cope), everyone else is more understanding/patient/sympathetic and all her friends are baffled as to why I haven't gone to stay with her for at least a fortnight while dad settles in at the home.

Fuck
This
Shit

Jen "I'm 50 next year and I don't think I'll make old bones."

George Michael age would be enough for me

It's such a relief to have somewhere to say it

I have to try to get mum to emotionally detach from me because I might go first. I don't want to go first but like I said...I was not prepared to hit 40 and have parents.

Two of my friends lost parents lost parents recently, aged 64 and 71. They saw their grandparents in their 90s so though there's been a shock factor, they know that it's best for everyone really. cheerful

She now says she enjoyed the holidays but...she seemed utterly miserable the whole time 🤷‍♀️

I went on my own with my mum but I couldn't do it now. I wouldn't take her on holiday with me and dh.

We took mum on holiday for a couple of years after dad died.
She didn't enjoy it...or at least didn't seem to so we didn't ask again.
Pre covid she went with my golden boy brother and his dd for a week each summer...she seemed to enjoy that.
She's coming for lunch tomorrow but generally eats then leaves.
Pil coming at 3pm to sit in the garden. I hope its not too cold!
I'm currently trying to sort out my altering my Will, LPOA etc
I'm 50 next year and I don't think I'll make old bones.
cheerful

Mere "I'm not a particularly family minded person, nor an unselfish one, so I must have felt at some level it was normal."

But you had children so you must be more family oriented than I am?

Mum had her second jab yesterday and she is right as rain. I've spent a couple of hours with her after the carer left - it has been our routine since dad died because my husband usually works all day Saturday. But I was half way through my lunch and she phoned to say that she had lost the channel she wanted! So I have to go back and sort it.

She's in a really good mood today so I don't mind so much about spending time with her.

I get your problem with the surgery. They know I'm her carer but they still phone her and then I have to phone back to confirm what they said because she doubts herself.

I always take those sorts of threats with a sense of relief.

(That's why I have a named spot on the bad daughter bench).