The Cockroach cafe -new look for spring 2021

They are very nice people but my God it drives me nuts.

[quote Ieatmarmite]@AcornAutumn, please don't compare yourself to other people & think that you are weak in some way for finding things hard going. Our past relationships have a huge effect on how we cope and your cousin's parents may not give him as much of a hard time as your mother gives you. Their past relationship may be very different to the one that was between you and your mum so their present relationship is different too. Your cousin may have a very good support network around him that eases the burden.[/quote]
Honestly, she doesn't give me a hard time.

He's the type who takes his parents on holiday. The last time was very ill advised IMHO and he spent one night up all night with his dad who had a stomach upset.

The support network thing - I have one but a) what difference does it make in reality b) it's not available in lockdown. Neither is his.

I think the difference is he loves his parents enough to do the caring bit. I thought I loved mum enough to do it.

I have to think things over. That's not something I say often. But he has all the patience, I haven't even caught up with the fact that mum needs words of one syllable.

I do blame lockdown for a lot of this but I shouldn't be taking my anger at the government into a relationship with an 82 year old who is too confused to know what's happening.

Thank you for listening.

Spot on marmite please don’t beat yourself up acorn

@AcornAutumn, please don't compare yourself to other people & think that you are weak in some way for finding things hard going. Our past relationships have a huge effect on how we cope and your cousin's parents may not give him as much of a hard time as your mother gives you. Their past relationship may be very different to the one that was between you and your mum so their present relationship is different too. Your cousin may have a very good support network around him that eases the burden.

I'm so sorry Acorn....& I totally get the tearfulness just because they won't bloody stop.

Mum took her leave about an hour before last bus was due so I dropped her home then came back for a chat with bestie but didn't drink and dropped her home.

Now in the bath with CBD bubble bath & gin and a supper of crisps, hot cross bun & chocolate pending.

Bestie is coming over on Friday for a sesh.

Sometimes - like just now - I am partly bursting into tears because she won't shut up.

I don't care about the bad daughter thing, I just think "a stronger person would cope." My cousin speaks to his parents twice a day and they are even more incapable. He is only scared of them dying.

@MintyCedric you are fifteen years younger than me. I think it gives you more reason to be pee'd off, not less. Realistically I probably have no more than 10 years of caring (mum is 84) and we have three dogs so spontaneous breaks are unlikely anyway.

When I was 45 my youngest was only 5. If I had had to care for mum as well I would have fallen apart.

I feel so guilty when I come here and whinge because other people have it so much harder.

🌺🌺and🍫🍫to minty and acorn
Sorry you are having tough times with your elderlies. Today with dm wasn’t bad- dd was a star but dm cannot bring herself to acknowledge it’s me who did all the catering/ graft.
Told me to thank dh(not here all day) for letting her sit in his garden.....
It’s sunny, I have chocolate.... cockroach all.....

Minty I'm the same age as you, there's nothing ridiculous about it.

Parents are such a nightmare.

My mum has managed to upset me after we had a nice day yesterday.

I probably sound ridiculous whinging when I'm one of the youngest people of this thread (I think). The thing is, I know an inordinate number of people who have died young, and even though I'm only 45 I don't take it for granted that I have a reasonable amount of time length.

I have spent my whole life revolving around other people's needs and I really thought by now I would be almost free.

It wouldn't be so bad if I felt it was appreciated and I could take a break and do things for myself without being abused and emotionally blackmailed, which just makes it so stressful ots not worth bothering.

Mum came for dinner which started well but she has now been talking at my best mate for about an hour and a half (she's a bit like a surrogate daughter to her tbf as she and friends mum were close and we were constantly in and out of each others houses growing up).

There was a lengthy monologue about the fecking carer, during which I shut myself in the kitchen with music on and washed up...and she wonders why dad frequently deckines to talk to her when she calls the home

On the upside, I did manage to get his attention when I dropped some stuff off for him earlier and managed to wave and blow him a kiss through the window.

I think BM may stay later and get a taxi back but otherwise we'll sort out something else...still trying though.

I am fully accepting that mum will go on for years. She's not in bad shape physically which is why it's a shame that her brain is checking out. I can't go on being tied for that long, I want to enjoy life while I still have the knees for it. I am too old to put everything on hold for ten years. In some ways it's easier for me, there are days where she thinks she's living in a home (she rings me to complain that no-one has brought her dinner and that she's been left on her own, the indignation is amazing) and other days where she thinks I'm an unrelated carer. If that's the reality she's living in now then she might as well be living in it for real, she's be better looked after and better fed.

Minty Today is not necessarily what your future looks like. Your mum is ill, possibly in pain and all over the place emotionally because of your dad. She's not always going to be like this. All that stress of the yes/no/yes placement, will he /won't he settle has been hard on both of you. Why don't you fix up another evening with bestie revolving round trashy tv, a takeaway and whatever else you need for a good night in.

This has all been made harder by the restrictions on socialising. Come mid May (or whenever it is) your mum can join the WI/a lunch group/tea dance/knitting group and start having some social interaction that isn't restricted to you, your dad and the carers. It's not going to be all you all of the time.

I'd start with "mum, if you have no love to show your daughter, i'll come back when you do".

nota someone is trying to phone you to tell you that? My flabber is ghasted! 😱😱😱

Which Minty is why you have to work out where your line is, and draw it. Whatever you do will never be enough, so there is no harm in drawing a line that works for you.

Ultimately you are not responsible for your DM's happiness.

One of DM's friends was trying to phone me to tell me what a bad daughter I was recently, but I have changed my landline and so she was phoning DM's house to get DM or the carer to give my number to her. Good try. I don't actually care that everyone thinks I am a Bad Daughter for not doing more.

I just can't see any end to this. She could go on for years...I'm just never going to be free.

Just been round and we were at each others throats within about 3 minutes.

She's coming round later, but I'll have to pick her up. Also picking.ky mate up so we can have a drink but doesn't look like that's going to be happening.

Mere "With respect, Acorn, that’s quite a low bar"

Is it? I just think if you have children, you have some interest in family and family life...or why would someone have them?

Minty I once told mum it was high time she grew up. She actually really did after that. I'm not saying it was all me, I think she is honestly a bit embarrassed that she let dad take responsibility for so much and ignored his requests for help.

Minty if your mum is down, she had the option of coming for lunch, which might have helped. It's her choice not to do that. I think your offer to take some round later sounds entirely reasonable and shows that you still care. Try and enjoy having some time with your friend.

Oh I take what mum says with a pinch of salt but if lying if I said I didn't have some concerns about how she's portraying me to other people.

That said I looked at some of her fb posts the other night, one saying how hard it was to cope with it all on her own...and several people came back with 'yes but at least you have Minty and Mini Minty...'

I guess it's a bit like my XH, I always thought people couldn't see through his bad behaviour but found out after I left him that they absolutely could, but didn't say anything for fear of offending/upsetting me!

Dint I was enjoying puzzling out the appearance of the nun when suddenly it all became more mundane.

Minty If your mum wants a day to cry and work through her feelings then give her the space to do that. Listen to her words rather than what you think it is that she means, it's hard when you've been raised to do the opposite. "Just leave me alone, I'll be fine" may mean "Come and drag me to the dinner table because I don't want to look as if I want to go" or it may not. You are in the bad books whatever you do so you might as well do what you want to do.

Her friends may not be saying anything at all, MIL (the perpetual victim of circumstance) tells me what the near neighbour has said. If MIL was mean about family members I would pull her up on it but if she reports that someone else has said it then she thinks that she has a free pass to saying something nasty.

She doesn't seem PA tbf just down and not well and missing dad.

The thing that drives me up the wall is her comolete inability to take any ownership of her issues.