The Cockroach cafe -new look for spring 2021

Glad there's been some positive developments for you hairbrush and that you're finally getting a bit of time and headspace back knot definitely do not go down the MIL care route!!!

We've also had a good day today...lengthy trip to prom dress warehouse where DD tried on about a dozen outfits before choosing one that was twice the price I'd originally budgeted for in style she insisted at the outset she wouldn't like.

She looks gorgeous though and we're splitting the cost three ways between me, her and her dad.

Then we went for a lovely lunch and mooch around the shops before coming home. She deserves to be spoilt a bit after everything she's had to contend with in the last 18 months.

Hairbrush - such excellent news. Make hay while the sun shines

Hairbrush in the autumn of 2017 round 'ere it was six weeks post discharge free and after that you could stay longer but you'd pay. It was a really impressive service, they covered whatever it was you needed. Going on buses, cooking, walking safely. It was about giving people back skills they'd lost or showing them an alternative way of doing things if they'd had a sudden loss of function.

See if you can get someone to tell you what is the likely stay and then book yourself a few days away somewhere. I suspect that if you say you've not had a holiday/time off in X years that they will understand that you need a break. It's before the end of term and when I was looking the other week there were plenty of places for a city break (I also looked at Morecombe and Northumberland). You know she's going to be safe, have plenty of social interaction, if you can get away early you will be back for the whirlwind of discharge planning.

Phewhairbrush this is just what your dm needs. Ot’s are v good at seeing through bluff. Relish your freedom
knot hold that line.

The OT rang earlier when I was out. She has been unable to do the transfer so she is going to rehab! I am so relieved. It won't be a long stay (don't know how long that means) but it is what I asked for two years ago. I am so hopeful that this will help her. I am so happy that OT has seen what she is really like. Mum is a lovely person but very needy and clingy and not used to being told No by anyone!

It's awful that you are now being pressured by your MiL as well as caring for your mum. I was so relieved when my MiL talked to us about her plans several years ago - she bought a property with her daughter and her family and will go into a home when she can't cope. .

Hairbrush did you get the chance to tell the OT the reality of life? I think they see it all the time, the invisible daughter stepping in just before things go wrong so they never do go wrong. Mum had a spell in intermediate care after a smashed knee about four years ago. She hated the idea and fought against going but it was lovely and she enjoyed it when she was there. They had physio and OT support there, a therapy room with walking bars and mock steps and a small kitchen where residents could demonstrate their tea making skills.

It's a strange feeling when the pressure comes off you, I expected relief but it came with a big helping of guilt.

I've been out all morning taking mum to a hospital appointment so missed a call from someone dealing with MIL's care. The deal is that I do what I can but I am off the radar so the hospital and SS don't know I exist. The only way they can have got my number is if MIL has provided it because I'm certain that my SIL would have told them that I'm not available. My concern is that I'm being set up for another round of "my daughter in law is quite good, she'll do it". Unless it's a short term emergency I am done with caring for a while, I have hung up my rubber gloves.

I met with mum and the OT at the hospital yesterday. Mum says that she can go to the bathroom without help but apparently that's not true - surprise, surprise! Her walking, although very slow, has improved but she is unable to transfer from the chair to the bed by herself. In order for her to come home she needs to be able to do that - she will have a commode beside the bed - and they need the care package in place.

If she can't manage the transfer by the time the care package is in place she will have to go to intermediate care until she is can.

At the moment she is getting up once or twice in the night to go to the loo which would mean me getting up and dressed to go outside and help her.

She is completely in denial about the amount of help she receives in hospital and the help I was giving her - very much of the tinkly laugh "we can manage" school of thought while I am in tears at the thought of running in and out of the house 10 times a day to turn on the tv/pour her a drink/help her use the phone. This is in addition to the 40 minute toilet trips and the hours I spend sitting with her to keep her company.

The OT was lovely but firm with mum and said that she needed to accept the help or she would not be going home. Watch this space!

knot it is so lovely to read your post and hear that you sound as if you are getting your life and self back. It’s often when something stops when we realise how much it has crushed us.
minty this to will pass, things will get better. Grieve however you need to. 🌺🌺🌺

Having a shitty day...couldn't motivate myself until about 2pm, then had to start searching for some paperwork.

Haven't found it as yet and every other thing I have rummaged through or turned over has had dad connotations, including a set of pencils he gave me when he was no longer able to draw and the last couple of birthday cards he wrote me himself.

Have spent the last two hours sobbing and blowing my nose. Given up now for a tea and cake break and best mate coming round in an hour.

"I didn't mean it like that" is usually heard after I've called MIL on something racist. I decided some years ago that I was through with biting my tongue and keeping the peace and that I wasn't listening to anything intolerant, certainly not anything that I wouldn't want my son repeating. Some of the stuff she comes out with is inexcusable, funnily enough she never can manage to say how she did mean it to come out if it wasn't "like that". I know that times used to be different but my mother is older than she is and she's learned that some terms that were in common useage are now insults.

The thread can't be hijacked because it doesn't have a direction. It's a place to pop in and drop your troubles on the floor and know that there are others here who understand because they've been through it themselves.

Minty I'm glad that the hurdle of the funeral is behind you. The surprise in your mum's behaviour is the smoking, the rest was signalled some time ago. Grief is a bitch, everyone feels it differently and it can cause odd behaviour - you're just not rational. The fixation on things you can control means you can ignore the vast universe of Everything Else that's too much to deal with. However L is not grieving and should know better.

My life is (mostly) blissful. The contrast between the grind of daily care with never ending phone calls and visiting a care home a couple of times a week is startling. I have free time and am reconnecting with the things I used to do that I've not had the time or inclination for in the last couple of years.

IthinkIsawaHairbrush I hope that things are going not too badly at the moment and that the meeting with the counsellor went well.

It's raining here, I'm going to look at that as a good thing as I won't have to water the pots or cut the grass.

I quite like the idea of being a hijacker.. it's.. edgy

That's good minty
Thinking of you x

I had my phone unplugged for 4 days this week...

My mum isn't able to make phone calls anymore, so I'm spared that now. But for years if I was ill and trying to sleep it off she would be guaranteed to ring multiple times a day asking if I was better now. Waking me every time..

🙄 @MrsRussell

I don't tell mum much tbh for that reason.

It's more hassle. I told her ds1 was having his 1st covid jab yesterday.

Cue 2 phone calls at 2pm and 10pm to check he was OK! Um..if he wasn't I'd deal with it!

It must be incredibly hard having a parent with alcohol issues. Look after yourself first (airplane oxygen mask analogy comes to mind...)

@Mrs08 just had mine on the phone (drunk as a skunk, natch) complaining that I don't answer the phone to her.

• note to the observant here: why would I want to have a conversation with a drunk on a self-pitying kick?

My washing machine, my soaked floor, but I must spare her delicate vodka-addled sensibilities....

@MintyCedric

Yes another person who agrees that his managers should be fully made aware of the situation.

Had a funny moment at lunch today...
Mum was here and ds2 (12) who is anime mad was asking us questions to decide which anime character we would be.
He asked my ds1 (18) how he would describe me and he paused for a while and said "tough but kind" 😃
I'll take that 😉

Oh yes :)
It's the bigots script isn't it?
"It was a joke"
"You're too sensitive"
"I didn't mean it like that"
Meh. I've been called worse by better :)

I know that one! "I didn't mean it like that" and "you're just throwing it back in my face to make me feel guilty" being two of the stock phrases here. See also "you're just looking for something to be offended by" and "it's more complicated than that"...

Anyway, don't want to hijack the thread
Suffice it to say I'm done with the bloody woman!

She's not sorry @mrsrussell :)

She's VERY sorry she's been stupid enough to say it with witnesses present though!!

Historically it was very much 1-1. My word against hers iyswim?

Fil is pretty pissed off with her, Bil says nothing.

Apparently, her bigoted comments come "from her childhood" 🙄🤷‍♀️
Utterly baffling really.

Mrs08 I hear you.

Glad your DH is on the same page. Isn't it funny how they get all apologetic when they get caught out, though?