The Cockroach cafe -new look for spring 2021

I don't compete with the tv Nodancingshoes. If MIL would rather watch that than talk to me it's fine, I already know where I stand in her list of priorities. I am not repeating myself and shouting over the babble, I'll just drop the shopping and leave.

I listened to the piece on Woman's Hour (starts about 2.45). I had great sympathy with the original text where the writer didn't want to care for their abuser and wished they were dead. I thought there was some dancing around the subject after that. There can be massive family pressure brought to bear by the wider family on the child of what might be seen as a "difficult" parent because everyone is keen for it to be someone else's responsibility to sort out. The wider family may have no idea just how "difficult" that parent was to their children, nor how nasty they are now. The only way for the now adult child to justify what is seen in the family as their lack of care is to disclose the abuse. It's opening up a whole can of worms on which the lid has been firmly nailed shut for decades. There is no easy way out of it, have nothing to do with the abusive parent and be slated by the rest of the family or be involved with the care of someone you'd rather never see again.

Oh God @Nodancingshoes ...that all sounds so familiar...sending calm and patience (and gin and chocolate your way).

Mum's had yet another meltdown over L this morning, and she's also spoken to dad. Apparently he was telling her he wants to come home 🙄

🌺🌺🌺to you.

Ok, so todays visit lasted 30 minutes. Sje was deep in self pity, not really talking, lots of heavy sighing, TV at a ridiculous loud volume throughout...I rang the fracture clinic as she says her arm hurts more than ever. I dont know if that's true. We are supposed to be taking the plaster off next week. Please give me strength....and some more patience

There was an interesting piece on Woman's Hour this morning about the issue of caring for elderly parents who have a history of abusive behaviour.

It raised a lot of issues regarding caring responsibilities that fall to women.

It will be available on BBC sounds.

daal sorry things are going that way for your dad. Hope you can find the right place for him.
Great advice from dint minty make sure home are in the picture re your dm. Also does your df have a social worker to protect his best interests?

Oh and we're definitely not a close family knot.

My cousins are mostly 10-15 years my senior and all over the country but I keep loosely in touch with some via FB. I don't think I've seen the ones mentioned above since my 21st, but we have quite a lot of interaction on SM and seem to get on really well so very much hoping I might be able to visit them later this year...and maybe even have a squish if their first grandbaby who's due any day now .

Well the heart procedure is off...apparently she's not mentally well enough for them to safely do it!

I think I might see if we can do a non essential shop and coffee trip next week...if she behaves on Saturday (bribery)! If I can get her out a bit the taste of freedom might put her off being housebound again with caring responsibilities.

Minty That sounds better. It might take careful handling for your mum to save face and back away from an unwise decision without ever admitting that she was wrong but you'll be an old hand at that. Is there a chance of distracting her with haircuts and non-essential shopping? If she has something else to think about it might stop her working herself up over the same thing over and over again. I find choosing paint will fully occupy me for weeks, dragging out the dustsheets is a sign that there's something I really, really don't want to think about.

I have a lot of cousins, I only see them at funerals and have to work out who they are as they aren't 12 any more. "We are such a close family" - no, we're really not mum.

Oof....phone wasn't working properly yesterday so received a voicemail from one of the two senior nurses at the home (SN2) about mum's phonecall/email to then "we thought you you were telling here...we can't have all this again..."

I presume they can't actually kick dad out willy nilly because Mum's being difficult?

Anyway, had a chat with the other senior nurse (SN1) who we've dealt with mostly this morning, explained the situation. She was much more sympathetic and said she realised mum clearly wasn't herself at the moment and that she'd phoned back yesterday, booked a visit for dad's birthday next week and been fine on the phone then.

So hopefully smoothed things over a bit. SN2 is very no nonsense with a touch of battleaxe so she and mum tend to clash, whereas SN1 seems to have a bit more of a handle on the psychology of it all.

Mum is still making dark mumblings about 'that place not being right' and bringing him home, but not until after she's had and recovered from her heart procedure, so hopefully things will calm down and common sense will prevail in the meantime.

@AChickenCalledDaal sorry you're having to deal with all that...it's all so bloody relentless isn't it?

I have every intention of bigging up the eye issue...it seems fairly likely it will need more treatment at some point anyway so much better to minimise damage now if I can.

Knot I keep repeating "Well, you're next of kin so that's your decision isn't it?" On a loop, although I have had some fantastic advice and support this afternoon from my cousin's ex wife who works in adult social care (sadly not locally!)

Doing bugger all sounds like exactly what you need right now Minty. I would milk the stress/risk issues issue for all its worth to give yourself some sort of break.

Looks like we are moving from Dad being on a six week temporary nursing home stay to a permanent placement. Although he's improved somewhat since leaving hospital, his Parkinsons appears to have taken a massive leap forward and he having delusions and hallucinations, as well as being constantly restless, somewhat aggressive and extremely prone to falls. The Home are coping, but only just. I'm trying to get my head around the idea that this isn't a temporary phase but I might well have had my last sensible conversation with him and now all the difficult decisions are definitely down to me.

there is no guarantee we will be able to get adequate home based palliative care in place given the hospice has already rejected 2 applications.

That should read "no guarantee that SHE will be able to get adequate...care". She has to get the message that if she goes this route it's against your advice and she's doing it on her own. She's going to do her own sweet thing and rely on you bailing her out when it all goes west. You will be dragged back in because of your concern for your dad and she won't have to face the consequences of her actions. Why on earth does she want him back home when she doesn't do the caring or want to pay for the hours it needs? All the effort it took to get him there and he's no sooner settled than she's throwing a strop.

In normal times I'd suggest a holiday so that you are not at the end of a phone, it's just a pity that we can't do that right now.

Line of Duty is bloody amazing. I've just finished series 4.

Mum has had another go at the home including telling them that she wants dad home as soon as her heart procedure permits and that they are only to communicate with her about dad's care going forward.

I've emailed them along the lines that I did tell her about visiting and don't support her plans but as she is next of kin I am now stepping back.

Have had her on the phone this afternoon going on about it all again and basically saying she still expects to deal with all manner of other admin type stuff eve though she's barred me from speaking to the home. I've made it clear that won't be happening.

I have also suggested she needs to be mindful of making decisions based on her wants/needs/fears rather than in dad's best interests. And pointed out some of the potential implications of bringing him home...not least the impact of increased stress and fatigue on her cognitive functioning and the fact there is no guarantee we will be able to get adequate home based palliative care in place given the hospice has already rejected 2 applications.

Although my eye is okay for now, I am higher than average risk for an RD and stress won't help (high blood pressure and increased adrenaline chemicals can have an impact...it's tiny but not telling mum that).

I have done bugger all today...but such is life.

@MintyCedric
See this as a wake up call that you are not invincible. Time to look after yourself and your daughter . You won't get a second chance to do that.

Minty I am glad you made the time to get your eye looked at, it is better to be safe than sorry.

It's good you are bingeing on LoD Minty - I find it healing for my whole focus to be on bent coppers and the letter of the law for a while.

I'm sorry about your Mum lashing out at you. It sounds like you're shouldering an awful lot right now

Retina is okay...I have some signs of posterior vitreous detachment due to a combo of age and being extremely short sighted from childhood.

It's not worrisome in itself but combined factors put me at higher than average risk of retinal detachment so am being referred to hospital eye clinic for further tests as a precaution.

Right pupil is still huge and felt quite fragile after the whole thing tbh...40 minute bus ride into town wearing a mask left me feeling really sick and panicky, so I got a cab home and am spending the afternoon on the sofa with the curtains drawn binge watching Line of Duty.

Thanks jen on the bus to optician as I post!

Spoke to mum this morning...thunk we've both calmed down a bit.

If she insists on bringing dad home I will look at finding another job or returning to work sooner and raise my concerns with adult social services.

As for L there's no indication that he would actually agree to mums request and he does seem to have backed off a fair bit lately.

I wish I could give you a big hug minty
Time to make an official complaint about "L"? As a Trustee of a voluntary group I'm pretty horrified by his actions.
I don't know what to suggest but echo knot - we care about you and we want you to take care of yourself (as anyone who cares for you should)
Please get to the opticians today...I have an eye issue which could become a detachment...don't delay when it comes to your vision.
If your mum has your dad home she won't cope, and adult SS will have to get involved. Sometimes a crisis can lead to positive changes.
SS (and your mum) will happily let you kill yourself looking after everything. Don't. Your dad would not want this.
Love to you x

Thanks knot

The procedure probably isn't helping but this is her third one...it's not a new thing to worry about.

It's the fact she's accused me today of trying to 'get rid' of dad, then is talking about getting L involved to sort things out to her satisfaction.

I just can't do it any more. I also need to take care of myself tomorrow. I have been having eye issues for a few days that could indicate a detached retina so I need to get an emergency optician appt.

If she wants to keep accusing me of things, reiterating that she's next of kin and everything is her decision and getting that f*ing man involved in my dad's care, the she can bloody well do it in her own.