The Cockroach cafe -new look for spring 2021

And whatever the personality, the concerns remain the same I do see that. I regularly order via Tesco a lot of sweet stuff for mum because it's what she wants, along with the "I need" salad and cold meats and so on I end up chucking out and mentally calculating the cost of the waste. Bananas always pleased to see those eaten chez mum though, and oh my goodness she has found the remote and not only that called me to let me know. Phew!

Soup, that sounds hard. Could care agency get someone to pop in to hunt for remote? It’s all the little crises that floor us.
Glad your dm is sweet. Mine has marbles, but can be v negative and will not acknowledge how much I do for her- which makes it easy to step back and not feel guilty.
Knot glad you are taking a day to be mum. A day of banana and ice cream as a one off is no bad thing.
Can you leave any healthy treats iin sight? Or even unhealthy ones? Dm has a little biscuit tin by her chair where chocolate ones vanish at an astonishing rate.....

Welcome soup that does sound trying...is the sibling of any help at all?

Knot I hear you...but when the hell do I get a break?!! I am absolutely desperate for some time to sort some houses things out and actually look after myself. I've slipped with the diet and exercise, keep forgetting my meds and haven't done any writing for over a month. Literally the only thing I do outside of parentals is watch TV and sleep because I have no energy or bandwidth for anything else.

What you're saying makes a lot of sense, but my fear is that the more I give the more she'll demand. I'd also quite like to spend some time with my own daughter at some point.

The thing is she doesn't really have any interests or hobbies, she just likes to have someone present all the time.

She'll do a bit of DIY, but otherwise naffing about on the computer and watching endless quiz show repeats are it. She doesn't read, listen to music or watch films or anything fictional. She has diabetic neuropathy in her hands (as she tells me on a daily basis) so I imagine anything in the way of sewing etc is now off the agenda.

She has lost many of her friends now, and of the remaining:

1/ not local
2/ local but younger/still working/some family commitments
3/ local/younger/absolutely huge family all local and close knit.

She will also make absolutely no effort to engage or help herself and I can't help but feel the more I prop her up the more dependent she'll become.

I've suggested things she can do, DVDs she could watch, she has piles of quiz/brain training books. I've offered to take her to the garden centre or put for coffee and suggested she comes to me which would at least mean I could get a few things done while she potters and chats and fussed the cats. All I get in response is "I just can't, I'm to depressed, I don't feel like doing that/anything/eating/going out"..."if I phone them they'll be out/with family etc etc"

It's like banging my head against a brick wall for several hours a day.

She's messaged me today referring to bringing dad home again and stating "I know you think I'm being selfish but I just can't stand being alone this much".

She has had one whole day on her own in the last two weeks.

She just wants me to concede defeat and agree that we can all move in and be on happy family over my dead body

Hi Knotaknitter. Doesn't it help when the parent is appreciative and pleasant, we seem to be in the lucky minority with it. I read in the cafe that so many are not.

Hello ruleofsoup. I have the declining sweet mother but without the addicted sibling. One is bad enough without the other on top.

I'm planning a day off this week, I need to switch from daughter duties to mother duties and take my long suffering son back to university. He's been a star, when it's been an afternoon of non-stop phone calls he'll pick up and tell her I've gone out for a walk. I'm pretty sure she won't take her tablets or eat anything other than banana and ice cream without me to make it happen but it's only one day and it's easier to skip it than fight to get a carer in as a one off.

Oh smashing thank you! It's like this - in an attempt to get my two safe and well, life sometimes blows me a raspberry. My examples are insisting smoke alarms are installed on the ceiling to avoid loss of same in the melee but that meant my sibling when cooking absentmindedly and set them off, then chose to smash off the alarms with a ? broom? Dunno. So have to be rebought and reinstalled. Yesterday feeling sure that mum would benefit from a hoover round her chair where all sorts of bits collect I sternly informed mum she must ask for this hoover and move to another chair meantime - and afterwards realising that was largely howling into the wind as given her best endeavours she can barely remember who is on the phone - feeling I was Mrs Organised ringing the care agency and stating that had to be done. Now of course mum cannot locate her remote control which must have got moved during this intervention so I have a small very vague mama with no company (sibling in hospital) until Monday carer, staring at a grey screen unless I drive over 200 mile tomorrow to sort this out. Much else can be done tomorrow at mum's house it is true, and I had only just decided not to go given weather forecast, when I phoned to tell her I wasn't coming and got the missing remote frustrations. We did a kind of snail pace challenge Anekka without video to try and locate but no.

Sometimes I do actually laugh at what happens when it seems so ironic, and at the same time all this has changed me somewhat. Mum told me yesterday i sounded like her old Headmistress.

I think I hoped to hear similar, anyone got anything for me that makes me feel less of an ineffectual doomed entity that fate seems to turn to now and then for a bit of light relief!

Soup

soup welcome! Plenty of room here- vent away!
minty great advice from knot and I suspect your df is doing better because of consistent care.......

Bon soir, is it possible I could please have a seat in the cafe and a quick vent? My situation similar to many here I know with one aged mama with declining cognitive abilities and luckily a rather sweet nature unless pushed - and complicated with addicted sibling in the ancestral home. I would like, please, to do a vent about the cussedness/backfiring nature aspect of trying to keep going which might resonate with some of you.

It's like any other relationship, you reward the behaviour you want. In this case the reward is your time so you need to see her as much as you did when you were there for your dad. She can make you be there if she brings him home, if she sees just as much of you next week then she doesn't need to have him there to get you.

This isn't the rest of your life, it's not always going to be like this. If your dad will be in residential care long term then she can start to think about what she needs long term. At the moment it's the in betweeny place where nothing is certain. If she suddenly has time to fill then what did dhe used to enjoy doing before she had to spend all that time caring for dad (take your eyebrows out of your hairline, she has the power here and you are going to have to sign up to her version of reality). Knitting. crochet, online games, painting - anything that passes time and doesn't need you there to do it. If she can build a life that doesn't have your dad in the middle of it then she's more likely to manage with seeing him a couple of times a week.

And she managed to get her hair cut a couple of weeks ago...

I'm hoping we can to some degree. She was complaining the other day that I don't go round as much when dad isn't there, but there has been two days I've not been round since he went in. I've seen her the last two Saturdays and last Wednesday because she's had appointments and I'll always go back for an hour two after and have a coffee with her.

I left early yesterday as I had to take DD to something but offered to go back and take her to the garden centre for a potter and a coffee but she didn't want to.

She wants to clear the loft out so will suggest we do that this week, she's already done a wee bit of decorating and is planning to redecorate 'dad's' room.

Minty Will she agree to using this time to sort things out that have been on hold for so long. Opticians, hair cut, dentist, hearing test, decorating, spring cleaning - things you can help with that just aren't possible while you are looking after dad (and they've been shut). It shuts down the poor me, home alone thing and puts a positive spin on your dad's absence. It also means that you can spend time together without listening to the tale of woe because you will be doing stuff.

I'm glad to hear that he's doing well, she will be able to see him at his best which might make a difference.

@strudsespark absolutely...I would think the same myself and I'm definitely looking into how to convey the situation to the powers that be.

It was just a thought MintyCedric :)

I guess she is well aware that I will crawl over hot coals to make sure his needs are met is your downfall. It's a bugger if he can't stay at the home when he seems to feel better there.

If I were you (and I'm well aware I'm not) I would flag to all and sundry in writing that you can't meet his needs at home anymore, no matter what your dm says.

On the upside Dad was on brilliant form apparently.

She said he told her he wants to come home and she's obviously still leaning that way but seems in less of a rush which is a small positive.

@strudsespark

I can see where you're coming from but he's registered to visit her anyway as respite for me, so that makes no difference.

What is different is that I don't need to be here as much if Dad isn't at home needing physical care...and she is well aware that I will crawl over hot coals to make sure his needs are met, whereas because she is far more able to look after herself I expect to make more effort.

I am more than happy to help her help herself eg will take her to social things when they open up until she gains confidence/makes friends; support her with medical appoints and bigger practical stuff etc etc. What I find incredibly hard to tolerate is the helpless woe is me crap.

Sorry to butt in MintyCedric but I recon your dm's need to have your df at home has something to do with 'L' only visiting when your df is there?

Daal Apparently they said she was far too stressed for an angioplasty to be sensible and that at a time like this she should be concentrating on her husband .

She put it off I December because he was at home and she 'didn't have anyone to care for him whilst I have the procedure and recuperate'. I was off work and had offered to stay for two or three nights to facilitate her having it done.

Anyhow, we're here at the home, she's behaving remarkably well, has had her lateral flow test with minimal fuss and gone in. I've waved through the window and come back to the car for a bit of a cry.

I've started a list of all the reasons why I believe it would be unwise to bring dad home for all three of our sakes and will get some advice from cousin if she decides to press ahead.

The bottom line is, I can cope with caring for one of them, I simply can't manage caring for both of them, and as much as I'd love to be caring for dad, it's not not an option on any level.

When I looked in the window, he was sitting up in bed, clean, alert and as well as I've seen him in recent weeks. Assuming visiting restrictions lift as hoped it's by far the best place for him.

Minty I suspect you are right about your mum finding a way to cancel the op. The NHS postponing an op for mental health reasons doesn't sound plausible, but I can see how she might have rationalised that she couldn't cope with the isolation period and persuaded them to postpone it.

minty💐 I'm sorry x
You just have to let her get on with it now. She's made her view clear...she is nofk and she will decide what's best, even against medical advice and your fathers best interests.
That means refusing to help her if she brings your father home.
If she wants professional care for him she will need to pay for it at home.
If she insists on bringing him home maybe you could (cough) get covid?
Then she will have 10 days to see the reality of her situation.
Because its all about her really, isn't it?
Your poor dad, and poor you.

@Nodancingshoes what sort of pain relief is she on? Will she be having physio?
I hope things improve...you're doing everything you can but you can't possibly control her health issues!

@AChickenCalledDaal I'm sure they are used to these situations and will find ways to manage/work around his issues.

Not long after my last post I had a call from the CHC who provide the funding/care arrangements to ask if any decision had been made yet regarding whether dad is coming home or staying at the care home permanently.

I told them they need to speak to mum as she is his next of kin and has the final say. I explained that our opinions on the subject are wildly differing and in the circumstances I needed to step away for the sake of my mental health.

She will no doubt try and bring him home. I can't even visit him to talk to him myself so have no idea if she is telling the truth or pressuring him into a decision.

I'm not convinced that she didn't lie about the heart procedure being cancelled...I think it's highly likely she was the instigation for it not going ahead. The way she described it sounded very like her reasoning rather than something a medical professional would say, and she let slip later that evening that had it gone ahead she would have had to self-isolate from Thursday am - Monday and she can barely manage half a day on her own.

Called her early evening yesterday to see how she was and she was sobbing down the phone the moment she picked up about how lonely she is and has no one to talk to (I'd stayed overnight Thursday, popped back in halfway through Friday and she'd spoken to my dad and a friend). I pointed out that she can't expect to have people on hand to entertain her 24/7 and she swore at me, told me she couldn't talk to me because of the way she was feeling and hung up.

I am honestly terrified of what will happen next.

Oh daal ! Get it signed! shoes don’t feel bad. You are doing what you can.
minty hope the visit goes well,
.

Oh Lordy - I just popped into the nursing home to pick up the contract I need to sign so he can stay permanently. When I got there, they were clearing up the pudding trolley that he had accidentally pushed over, complete with many broken wine glasses . He's very restless, not very stable on his feet and prone to impulsively leaping to his feet with no warning. He can't help it, but it's worrying and exhausting for the staff. I'd better sign that contract quickly before they change their minds about letting him stay!

Doctor has rung. Still on for taking the plaster off next week. He said it is completely normal for there to be pain especially when someone also has arthritis. It was NOT the answer she wanted but there you go I feel bad now cos when I rang her to tell her about Prince Phillip, she cried... @knotaknitter the TV is always on- I get transfixed by reruns of Holby city when I am there

Minty I'd believe it if someone else had asked your dad. You never know whether he's been badgered into the answer she wants to hear.