The Cockroach cafe -new look for spring 2021

Morning, is there space at the table for another? I hope today is a good day for all of you.
I’ve lurked for a while but decided to name change and take the plunge.
My parents are both over 80 and still live on their own, 30 minute drive from me and fortunately have helpful neighbours (surprisingly). I feel awful writing this but I find them exhausting, mostly dad to be fair. Dad made parts of my childhood hell, short story - as a result of his actions I did not have a lot of local friends (nothing illegal, he just didn’t get on with neighbours). I’ve not mentioned it, or thought about it for a long time but it has all come back during COVID, just when they need more care and it has fallen on me. I just feel very resentful at the moment, love them but really don’t like dad, and feel so guilty. Just needed to vent really.

I'm in Wales and I went to the hairdresser a fortnight a go. I went shopping today though. First time in a charity shop for a year. I bought a top, a skirt and a necklace all for a fiver!

Mum was really upset this morning, the carer had been "off" with her last night. I felt that she wasn't happy when she arrived but if mum's recollection is correct then she was quite unpleasant. Previously this carer has gone above and beyond to be helpful but last night she was complaining about having to push mum in the wheelchair and saying that it was bad for her back. I know that was said because I was there at that point.

She's not due again until Wednesday which happens to be the day my daughter comes home from University so I am going to cancel for Wednesday night so we can have dinner in peace and not worry that the carer is going to arrive while we're eating. Hopefully by the next time she comes everything will be forgiven and forgotten.

Hi I've been absent this week, settling DM back in her house after 6 weeks respite. After a shaky start (barely able to walk, extremely anxious of being on her own) she is doing really well and getting stronger by the day. Her Alzheimers meds must be working as she is almost back to her usual self with just the normal amount of confusion for an 87 year old!

I've paid for an hour or 2 extra care every day, SS are providing 4 x 1 hour visits so she is never on her own more than 2 hours at a time. She is sleeping well and although she calls several times a day, nothing like the 35+ times prior to her admission!

Hope everyone is okay, anyone been shopping or to the hairdressers yet?

Nan had her first meals on wheels today and she liked it!! I'm amazed - I thought she would dismiss it. That's one less thing to worry about because she often says she cant be bothered to have lunch. She was in good spirits when I dropped her shopping off and had got dressed herself and done her hair. I'm relieved she is regaining her independence. She is actually amazing for 95 - I was so worried this broken arm would be the beginning of the end. My sis is on holiday all week and I'm working a full say tomorrow so she will have to be on her own. My niece (17) may pop in so I'm sure she will be ok. Hope everyone had a good day - thinking of those who are struggling xx

I am confused about mum's care. On Thursday she had a visit from the lady in the office who did her six monthly review. She didn't tell me she was there but my daughter arrived to clean and contributed to make sure that mum didn't pull the wool over her eyes.

She has now been assessed as not needing personal care although if I am there she asks me to help her change her underwear which I hate. But she is getting dressed and claiming to wash before the carers arrive so she doesn't need the help.

Today the carer said that there is talk of mum having more carers. I'm not sure if she means that mum needs two carers at night of if they are thinking of extra visits which I would love as it would give me the opportunity to go out.

I was trying to say to mum that she doesn't realise the amount of help she needs and she is insisting that she could do more but I don't let her. I would like nothing more than for her to get up and turn the lights on so I don't need to do it or for her to pour herself a drink without half the bottle going on the floor and the phone and everywhere else but she won't have it.

I was in trouble yesterday. I went to the opticians and grocery shopping - I took her to the loo first and settled her back in her chair with the phone and something suitable on tv. But I couldn't tell her exactly when I would be home. I really didn't know! We came home from the supermarket, brought the shopping in, put it away and I had a cup of tea then she rang me "Where are you?" (I had to be home. She rang the landline!) "You didn't tell me you were back!" I don't how she missed me walking past her - it took us two trips to bring all the shopping in. Perhaps I should have phoned her but I actually wanted to put the shopping away without having to run up and down the stairs to go out to her in the middle of it.

The mini laundry basket that I fitted with the red washing bags got short shrift. I bit the bullet and explained it was for 'soiled' clothing, towels, etc, which got my head bitten off 'I'm not there yet!' despite the very obvious evidence to the contrary. So I have left it 'just in case' and suspect that I will be handed it back on my next visit.

In other news, she seems to have been persuaded of the value of wearing the disposable pants at night. Not that she needs them, obvs. So a visit of gains and losses.

Mum has always dismissed the social options I have suggested because they will be full of old people. She has never stopped for a moment to consider that she is the same age as the "old people" that she is writing off sight unseen.

Minty if your mum can fix things and put shelves up she will have a roomful of friends in no time flat.

Quite possibly Binary.

Mum is also not really a 'woman's woman' and of course she's of a generation where the majority of her peers are likely to be quite traditional.

Mum has always been much happier behind a power tool or under a car bonnet than in the kitchen or knitting along to the radio.

I've suggested she looks at some other companion options - "maybe a woman?" - but I think she's convinced that all women her age will want to talk about is grandkids, recipes, crochet and soap operas so she's not very motivated.

Off round there in a minute although feeling quite ropey so hoping to make it a quick visit.

Knot I would have given a purse of gold to have a phone system, mobile and tablet mine could actually use properly. I repeatedly suggested replacing them up until a couple of years ago then gave up. She's probably past the point cognitively where there would be any benefit now (Parkinson's brain fog) and she can still use the landline. I did manage to replace the complicated satellite hook up and ancient telly she was still using when I went down at Xmas, so have fewer episodes when I phone and she says: 'It's gone black again".

Soup I have an addiction problem (alcohol) in my past, thankfully many years behind me but it taught me to draw very careful boundaries around what I can and can't do and I would find dealing with an elderly parent in crisis very difficult if I were actively drinking and it would not be good for anyone. I hope you are able to talk about it as siblings.

On the hobbies front Minty, I wonder if there's a lack of motivation to 'find a hobby' because that's not what they really want. My mother only ever liked outdoors things and now she's very compromised with mobility she is at a permanent loose end but what she wants is someone with her all the time really because she's no good in her own company (although she's socially not great either, bad combo) and it's not possible of course.

I have gone ahead and sent the email to activate the high-end care agency, ominously they have only got back to me with a brief place-holder so I'm hoping that doesn't mean they don't have capacity. I have another three agencies on the list ...

I love my label maker!
I've been able to label the sockets mum shouldn't touch (she turned her new freezer off the day after we filled it to the brim with food...)
And have put her landline number on her landline phone so she can read it.
She's got a tablet but she relies on me/siblings to order stuff for her/check e mails.
She's just signed up for online banking! (I've been begging her since dad died..)
She's coping ok atm but that's with daily visits from me and me always at the end of the phone.
The copd nurse (i think) phoned her on Thursday because of the email I sent regarding a rescue pack of meds.
Except that mum can't remember who it was she spoke to or what was said (this is not new. She just doesn't seem to listen after a certain point. She also panics about medical stuff)
Sigh.

Saw mum yesterday and golden bollocks turned up to pick up something she'd bought for him!
He has convinced her to get (yet another) new mobile phone. The newest Samsung. She only uses her phone for calls and texts ffs.
She can afford it I guess 🤷
I just smile and nod these days ☺
She's coming for lunch today. She usually eats then leaves so its a quick visit!
Back to school/college here tomorrow so hopefully I'll be back in more of a routine again.
I might even try to go into a (gasp!) Non essential shop 😁

I changed the phone earlier this year after repeated complaints that only one of the phones was working. The others were tv and satellite remotes but no amount of labelling would stop her trying to call on them. She would also put it down without ending the call so the line was engaged for fifteen hours at a stretch. She now has a phone with a handset attached with a cord and the preset numbers are on big buttons. I wish I'd done it years ago because she can actually use it.

Oh Soup I am so glad I am not the only one who gets calls about a missing remote. Although I just have to go outside and across the garden to search for it.

She misplaced it last week and called me on the phone to ask me to look for it. When I got there she was holding the remote and said that the phone had now stopped working. She was trying to call my cousin using it.

Mum's eyesight is very poor and she is very limited in what she can do. I do try and keep the tv interesting for her because without it she is sitting in near darkness and quiet.

Wishing all in the cafe an uninterrupted night and thanks for the lovely welcome. It was appreciated.

@MintyCedric

She's messaged me today referring to bringing dad home again and stating "I know you think I'm being selfish but I just can't stand being alone this much

My mil did this with her dh , he'd been ill awhile a kept saying he didn't need the doctor ( didn't want to bother the dr) and that she could look after him.
This was because she had a fear of being at home at night alone . Her fear came true because he died at home of an infection.

Oh I see

For a minute there, I thought it was anger about food that oldies are eating..ignore me!

Soup, sandwich, chicken, daal, mint..

Sandwich totally you have it there.

Now where is Ms Crackers.

Not being dense at all AcornAutumn it's me not being all that good at communicating. I mean if I was usually met with negativity despite my efforts then I would be angry. I'm usually appreciated although there are always spats when something new proposed. There are times in the last few weeks though when I would like to reclaim my own life and try and push that forwards a bit.

That sounds hard @Firstruleofsoupover , surely she cannot expect you to drive all that way for the remote?? Thank goodness she found it!
@MintyCedric shes on strong Zapain (paracetomol/codeine) but apparently they dont touch the pain...
I just phoned her and she said she missed me today cos my sister 'doesnt stay long'. She seems to be getting more reliant on me by the day - I really need to share this load but she only seems to want me....

Kind of loving that we now have soup and sandwich on the same thread

Hello acorn I think soup meant if her elderly would not/ did not acknowledge what she did for them despite having full marbles it would make her angry....
Did I interpret that correctly soup?
I remember needmoresleep veteran of these boards saying it is about who we are not who they are.... so we do what we can.
And a hefty dose of counselling over the years has helped. Plus I am aware of trying to be someone my dd would respect and value.

Sorry if being dense

What would make you angry?

Thank you Minty. Sibling often of much help, often architect of much drama and frightening aspect depending on position in addiction cycle. Poor decision making is now the norm across the board.

Thesandwich I read what you say, and I see it don't apply to me and if it did I would be so very angry. What kind of maturity does a person - you - have to have to deal with that. Good grief. Thanks for describing the position.

Wohoo! One thing I have learnt is that not everything is a crisis and can often be resolved by someone other than me....l