The Cockroach cafe -new look for spring 2021

Hi all - Minty Chicken Daal Soup Sandwich - perhaps we should rename the cafe?

I might have to start using my mum's PoA soon. I have a vague recollection that someone here mentioned it can be different how hard or easy it is to use depending on if it was registered before a certain date in 2019? Anyone know anything about this please?

Thank you.

@OnthePiste sorry you're having a rough time.

I think sometimes it is not so much the doing as the fear of how long its going to go on for, then the guilt for feeling that way.

I'm sure I've said it before but when I see people talking about caring for parents in their 90s my blood runs cold tbh.

I quite often have low level anxiety attacks when I have to visit my parents...it's a horrible feeling on several levels.

Ugh..feeling like I am doing double loop the loops on that damn roller coaster today! If it's not one thing its another..I just feel like my whole life has been taken over by DM and her needs again.

She has a great army of carers but still the phone keeps ringing, if they dare to be even a minute late it's moan, moan. She moaned in the care home desperate to get home, now she's home, more moaning. She does show gratitude to me which is great but it's just the though of X amount of years of groundhog day. I was looking forward to her coming home, now I am wishing she was back in the CH, is that bad? I can't concentrate on anything, feel like I have butterflies constantly which I know is anxiety. I need to step back, I feel like I am micro managing everything (i.e ordering medication) but at least if I do it I know it is done right, the carers tend to leave it to the last minute and then she invariable runs out of them.

Anyway, that is my moan for the day. Really looking forward to a full days work tomorrow as mum knows she can't phone me and I can get a few hours peace!

@MintyCedric it sound like your DF is being very well looked after. It's amazing what some good food and attention can do!

Just spoke to dad .

His speech has improved remarkably since he's been in the home...I can only assume it's because he's better rested and getting good food and regular meds. I don't think he'd have managed a 7 minute phone call in a million years previously.

Had to explain about the visiting rules again as he was most annoyed that I haven't been in to see him (haven't phoned as much I should either tbh ) and is very concerned that they are moving his birthday...he knew the date of it too!

I explained that his birthday is on Friday and that mum's coming in and I'm making his favourite chocolate macarons for her to bring in. He remembered me making them for him a couple of months back.

Told him that I'd call him tomorrow afternoon as I have an x-ray tomorrow and he was quite insistent he wanted me to bring in the cakes first. Had to remind him again that his birthday is on Friday so he'll have to wait .

There are gadgets for helping with socks which would mean that Senior Baroness could do it herself without having to ask dad.

What made me post - I saw my mum yesterday she had just been out to the pharmacy (I was very pleased with that), however, I realised she had no socks or tights on. I know she can’t bend but dad has always helped her before. I asked her what was going on but she ignored my concerns and said all was well. I called her last night, she said it has been going on for a while, dad isn’t very good at helping any more (apparently) but it is the first time I’ve caught her. She said she will ask him to start helping her again. Fingers crossed.

Binary I'm playing catch up...just started the last episode of series 5. That DSI Carmichael is a piece of work!

notaflyingmonkey I am quietly horrified by the poo theme, you have dealt with it with an admirable calm. I would not be dealing, I’m not that tough.

Piste I have been to the hairdressers! Feel a bit more human.

Hairbrush I hope you and daughter have time for yourselves as well as coping with your mum and her carers.

Baroness, I think caring for elderly parents is logistically hard given the way families live now and because women were doing so much of the hidden care before, so it can be tiring and frustrating in itself, even if you’re mainly doing admin like me. But I also think that if we weren’t as attached to, nurtured by, cared for as much as we needed by our parents then it’s especially hard when they need care.

Knot there was a specific moment when DM Had to Stop Driving when she was 86. I was in the car at the time. She failed to judge the distance of an approaching car before attempting to clear a mini-roundabout resulting in a very cross bloke ploughing into her nearside rear. The insurance company gave her the fault and wrote her car off which was a blessing.

Her TV has ‘gone black’ again today. But I had a phone call from the nice man from the posh caring agency and they are ready to roll when I can get down there in three weeks. I was so concerned they’d be full, and when he rang I nearly offered to marry him (he'd be horrified, he sounds fairly young). Now it’s a case of keeping DM on the rails by phone til then.

Minty I just caught up with Sunday’s episode – Mother of God!

@chesterelly my nan used to live a 2 hour round trip away but we insisted that she move closer. It just wasn't possible to be driving there in an emergency with kids and jobs to juggle. She has never quite forgiven us but I often remind her that the alternative was being alone all week long whilst now either me, my sister or our older kids can pop in for a coffee several times a week and we can be there within 5 minutes when needed.

Welcome all- plenty of room here and vent away! We get it! Completely agree re roller coaster- one call away from chaos.
knot glad your ds is able to get back to uni- just taken dd back today. Will miss youth and positivity!
minty glad your dad Is getting the regular care he needs.

Minty It all feels eerily calm here too. I know that I'm just one fall away from the circus of ambulance/NHS/falls clinic but right here, right now it is fine. I have been defending my boundaries against the encroachment of MIL's care because one granny with dementia is enough for me. The family have choices, step forward and sort out some care or call in social services and say that there is no-one who can assist this vulnerable person but at the moment no-one seems willing to do anything at all. I am waiting for the next emergency hospital admission, it will need a crisis for anything to change.

Hi Chester
I recognise where you are coming from, I feel a lot better for just saying those things I can’t say in RL, Enjoy your wine Minty, I’m having my dinner made for me tonight, and as my teenager is cooking I think a gin may be in order.

Thanks for the seat at your table.

chester that is exactly how I describe it too...the world's shittiest roller coaster.

I am grateful (I think) that mum is just round the corner.

Dad appears to be doing really well physically at the home, and spent some 'quality time' with mum today...chat, lunch, potter round big supermarket and neighbouring little shops then home for tea and doughnut.

Chores relatively under control and dinner just leftovers from last night and salad...even have a glass on naice red left and then going to finish Line of Duty season 5 and knit some more of dad's fiddle blanket.

It all feels a little too calm right now.

Another lurker and name changer shimmying over with her chair to join you. I have a DF who doesn't really need care as yet, persuaded him to get a cleaner last year as the house was a tip. He still drives and can shop for himself. Small stay in hospital last year but on top of things now with meds. I did not have the best relationship with him growing up, he was very authoritarian and what Baroness said about lack of friends resonates with me, we lived rurally and my DM didn't drive so he was just choosy about where and who he would give me a lift to. Nothing is ever his fault and there is always implied criticism. But there's just me & a pile of FOG. I just need to say to you what I can't voice out loud, Covid, lockdown and all that has really suited me, 5 minute visits on the doorstep on average every couple of days, dropping off some baking or a puzzle book has actually done my mental well-being (where he's concerned) a lot of good. I don't want to go back to not having an excuse not to take him if I'm going out somewhere, to him being able to come into our home and just sit there expecting waitress service.
DH acts as a buffer and DF is always better behaved when he's around but his own dad is getting to the point of needing more care. FIL moved into a retirement flat in his town (about 50 miles away) about 5 years ago, would not entertain any suggestion that maybe as he was moving he might like to be nearer us - DH is also an only child. But no he knew best, the frequency of trouble-shooting visits is increasing at an alarming rate. Always something really simple, the latest was remote- control related. Got the call at 9pm that tv had stopped working that morning, yes he'd tried changing batteries, so we changed out plans so DH could go over next morning to find that the new batteries were wrong way round and that turning them round was indeed all that was needed. If FIL had called when it happened we might've been able to get the caretaker to have a look or DH could've gone that evening but for some reason 9pm is the best time to call for anything.
Anyway, nothing like what some of you are dealing with but I feel like I'm sitting in the car at the top of the rollercoaster, past the point where I can say I wanna get off but really not wanting to do the ride, and I can't just screw my eyes shut and repeat "it's just a minute and you'll be on solid ground, just a minute out your life".

Baroness It's an expanding table we have here, we just stick another leaf in it. There's always room for another.

I can do tv diagnosis at a distance but it's not hard because I know what mum usually does wrong. I have no ideas for tv remotes other than they are Satan's plaything and should all be run over by steamrollers. My mother has never had any problem solving skills because she had dad for that, "it doesn't work" covers everything, she could never work out whether it was unplugged, switched off or genuinely broken.

Today has been my first day off since The Day The Car Blew Up which is about three months ago. I am certain I will regret it tomorrow after she's had two days "tidying up" where she puts important things in random places. She can't starve to death in a day and a day's missed medication won't do any harm either. If it did she'd already be dead as she'd stopped taking them altogether for weeks before I rumbled her.

Her first response to hearing that my son is returning to uni - "good, you'll be able to come and sleep in my spare bedroom". There are two things that I am prepared to make a stand on, one is that she's finished driving and the other is that I am not moving back in.

Hi Ithink, mum doesn't have Sky at all. Thank you Strudsespark for the link - will have a look as phone side of matters is also a long-standing frustration.

Baroness I did not know Better Life was part of Lloyds. Interesting perhaps they have something I may look into.

Thanks.

I was recommended the better life website, part of Lloyds pharmacy although the remote control we have is still in a box as they are apparently for old people, they have a Sony tv which they like.
Best thing I ever got for them, that was accepted, was a hot water machine which avoids the need to boil a kettle.

Firstruleofsoupover
Both Doro and Nedis sell remote controls for seniors. Don't know how functional, I've only tried the Doro phones for seniors.

m.alza.co.uk/nedis-for-seniors-21-d6285750.htm

Following with interest. Does your mum have Sky Q?

Dear Baroness, that sounds hard to have it fall on you when you still have the hurt from the past.

Dear cafe, I have just spent over an hour putting mum's tv on from on afar and I used the f-word. She just wouldn't listen because "all this technology is beyond me" etc and kept talking over the top of me. I began to sound more and more like my brother as my patience was more depleted and then.. I did I swored. She took it fine but man I could not then deal with, having now both picture and sound (when due to her cognitive decline she is worse than a man down if you ignore the distance and her eventually giving in and listening to my repeated barking of instructions) the subsequent moaning about all the buttons being in black, and the remote was black and... so I told her I loved her and said goodbye. Rather firmly. Could anyone recommend an easy to deal with remote control or perhaps indicate false dawns they have had in similar circs so I know what not to purchase? Working with an old Phillips TV here.

Thanks Ithink, I’ve now settled down with a cup of tea and will have a wee break before I start work again. Not sure why it’s got to me today.
Sorry about your dad, lovely that he managed to care for your mum like that.
My dad will half heartedly try to help my mum but is too happy for her to run after him given the chance. I have wondered if he is depressed but that suggestion didn’t go down well!

Takes handbag off chair and places it on the floor between my feet

I have found that the lovely ladies here are always happy to make room even when I have been absent for months.

Sounds so hard with your dad. I love my mum dearly and the thought of losing her is heartbreaking but it is such hard work. It must be so hard if you don't have good memories to build on. My dad died 8 years ago. He went down hill over the course of a couple of months, went into hospital and never came home. He was caring for my mum right up until the day he lost his sight and agreed to me calling the doctor.

I think everyone feels resentment and guilt. It seems to go with the territory.