The Cockroach cafe -new look for spring 2021

We have carers twice a day which she thinks is a complete waste of money. I'm not happy with the service - they come very late in the morning and too early in the evening - but it is better than nothing. Yesterday she kept saying she wanted a break from them but I just ignored the sighing and huffing.

Today she has decided to stay in bed which is fine with me. But in the space of 2 hours I have had 5 phone calls and needed to go out to her 3 times - she lives in the garden and we live upstairs in a 70's split level house so every trip involves going down the outside stairs, across the drive and up the ramp to her door. It takes a minimum of 10 mins to go into her house and back.

1 - the carer can't find my tablets.

I told you last night I hadn't done them. I will come out when she's gone and bring them to you.

2 - the carer has gone now
I went out and did the tablets, sorted the tv and left her in bed with the remote, her phone, and the controller for her bed hooked to her dressing gown

3 - I've been to the toilet but I can't get back into bed.
I went back, encouraged her into position, lifted her feet up and came back in.

4 - There's someone in the garden calling you
It's DH home from the shops and wondering where I am

5 - What are you having for lunch?
I don't know mum but what do you want. Five minute discussion on what we might have for dinner and whether or not she fancies food and she settles for a slice of cake and a cup of tea so I go out and sort that for her.

Then a long discussion on what time she should get up. We have reached an agreement that she will get up at around 6 o'clock in readiness for dinner at 6.30 and we will watch Antiques Roadshow.

Hairbrush FWIW, I think that you need to start pulling back now, rather than waiting til Sept and then trying to go cold turkey with her as you won't be able to relax.

I will freely admit that I am jealous of people who had a good relationship with their parent(s) before they became elderly. I didn't. But the upside to that is that I am hard faced about what I will and won't do - and even just doing the minimum that I do is loads IMO.

Whoever it was that mentioned Parsleybox, thank you. I'm just throwing so much food away I'm going to order a mix of their meals that can then go in the cupboard.

Hairbrush I'm. It yet at this stage with DF but I see it coming & dread it. What Sandwich said about applying Teflon is bang on. I bit the bullet when DF was in hospital last year to tell him I would be arranging a cleaner twice a week as if I had to spend time cleaning then I would have no time to take him out anywhere. He surprised us by agreeing readily but I think he heard in my tone that I meant it. His cleaner is an utter treasure (it helps that my friend that has a cleaning business and I was able to tell her exactly the kind of person I thought would be suitable). And of course he is nice as pie to her. I'm not sure where I found the grit to present him with a gait accompli, possibly fury at the state of his house, which he kept telling us was fine, but I know I can do it now so the next stage should hopefully go as well.

Hairbrush It's hard not to revert to being the child - have I upset her? what mood will she be in today? what can I say that won't set her off? You are not a child and there's nothing she can do to you if you don't toe the line. She can't stop your pocket money or ground you.

It's her choice to be unpleasant, you don't have to jump through hoops to make everything right. If she's giving you the silent treatment then say that you're leaving sooner because there seems to be nothing to say. If you bend over backwards trying to smooth things over what you are doing is rewarding bad behaviour. If you think back to the toddler years you want to be rewarding the behaviour you want rather than the behaviour you don't. The saying one thing and meaning the opposite is dealt with by taking the actual words and ignoring the sighs. "Just put me in a home why don't you." gets "Ok mum if that's what you want, was there anywhere in particular you had in mind?" rather than tears and reassurance.

She may not be able to go on holiday but that doesn't mean you shouldn't. Sacrificing yourself won't get her the holiday that she wants. You can't put your life on hold forever, you need to be enjoying it while you are still young enough.

hairbrush* I am so sorry you are going through this. You have so much to deal with.
Dm is similar but has carers/ cleaner etc so. I am not there as much but I completely get what is essentially envy or jealousy that we are young and they are not.
How lovely of your dc. They can see what's going on.
I have learnt I have to get fuel in the tank before visiting dm in order to cope and apply the Teflon. Coffee and walk this morning with friend before going to sort her lunch.
What can you do to help build up your resilience? Please look after yourself

Hairbrush, can you not say you have a doctors appointment and then afterwards say the doctor says you need to reduce your workload as eg your blood pressures far too high. Then tell your mum you will be stepping back a lot and will organise a needs assessment for her. Also inform social services that you need to step back for your own health and your mum is vulnerable. I would tell white lies if I were you and just pretend that what you have said is correct as let's face it this is affecting your health and that of your family and you do know that. Along with your husbands work anxiety it's too much. Yes there will be upset but it will have an end date when carers come in and sort out most of it. Best to bite the bullet now. If she needs help goi g to the toilet she needs carers. My father-in-law told the social worker he doesn't have carers but she told him in front of us that if people are buying your groceries for you then you have a carer. Blame the doctor and stick to it. You are entitled to your nights and weekends. Insist on it.

@MintyCedric I can't imagine how you deal with that. Your expectations - for them to acknowledge that the guidance has changed but they are still adjusting - are more than reasonable. I would be really upset in your position.

@MereDintofPandiculation how lovely of your son to go to all that trouble to visit. Hope it is appreciated.

Can you all help me to like my mum please! After a tearful discussion with my best friend I have talked to my kids and we are trying to organise a holiday in September. DH is depressed (been on furlough for most of the time since last March and worried he won't have a job to go back to) and every single day he copes with me in tears of anger or frustration and the kids have said they are going to organise a break for the two of us and one dog for our birthdays (the big 60) Including staying with my mum. The main work will fall on our middle daughter but the others are planning to visit for a couple of nights to keep her company/lighten the load.

But right now mum is so miserable and unpleasant most of the time I don't even want to go in to see her. Yesterday afternoon she was complaining again "I can't believe I will never go on holiday again!" and I commented quite mildly "Yes, but when you were my age you were able to come and go as you wanted."

Her answer was that I am free to come and go as I please. If DH and I want to go away we just dump her and do what we like.

For the past 8 and a half years I have put her first. I don't go out in the evenings. I spend every Saturday with her. I can't leave the house without telling her where I am going and when I'll be back but none of that registers. She can't get to the bathroom unless someone takes her. Yesterday she was calling me from the toilet to come and help her because she couldn't find the end of the loo roll!

But if you ask her she will tell you that she doesn't need carers. She can cope fine.

Right now I feel sick with anxiety about what sort of mood she will be in today. I can't do anything right. Even if I were to say "I'm on my hands and knees scrubbing the toilet" she would sigh and say "I wish someone would scrub my toilet for me!"

So far so good but m

@MereDintofPandiculation I know we've been really lucky, and I can understand how difficult it is to put the logistics in place.

What's difficult is:
a/ dealing with mum's expectations
b/ the fact they don't seem to be making any attempt to follow guidelines and in fact are moving their own goalposts
and
c/ there is no communication about it at all.

From my POV if I got an email saying "we're aware that got guidelines are changing. Due to staffing logistics and resident numbers we plan to phase this is over x period. Please bear with us during this time. The situation will be reviewed on x date" I would be absolutely fine with that.

It's the fact they seem to be making it up as they go along and not really listening to us that's frustrating.

Knot I'm sorry your family had this double whammy to deal with - glad your DM seems to have recovered quite a bit.

Minty I hope you get some joy from the care home, it must be hard to deal with them and your Mum at the same time.

Marmite I hope you get some time to take care of yourself.

In fact I hope everyone on this thread is taking care of themselves, it's so important and easy - especially for some - to neglect their own care when caring for others. 'Put your own oxygen mask on first' is over-used but dead right.

Sorry the visit wasn’t great minty and good to hear your dm sounds like she is improving knot .
So good you can visit and advocate for her.

Are they part of a group Minty or a stand alone? It's difficult when the care is good but the admin less so. They will have a complaints procedure, if they don't have it readily accessible the Care Quality Commission would love to hear from you.

If you'd asked me yesterday I would have said that this fall was likely the game changer for mum as I thought she was coming out of it with a brain bleed but she was sitting up today bright as a button and complaining about the food. (The last time she was there it was dire) She's still more confused than normal but compared to yesterday it was a fantastic improvement. I can see this with my own eyes because I can visit, if I couldn't then I would have no idea of the state she was in, I would have seen her vanish in an ambulance and then it would have been crickets and tumbleweed. The hospital have no clue what "normal" looks like for mum, yes she has dementia but at the moment it's at the "cups in the fridge" level not what she was displaying yesterday which was trauma/concussion. How are they to know what her normal behaviour is?

Sounds familiar @CaptainAwkward, although my mum manages a bit better, especially now she only has hers to deal with.

Main issue on that front is that she often refuses to believe she should actually take what the doctor prescribes .

Today's visit was not a great success...dad was very tired so I chatted to him for a bit until he basically asked me when I was going to pack it in so he could sleep! I stayed for another 40 minutes or so but he really wasn't up for engaging.

Then chatted to senior nurse about making another appointment. He told me last week that we could either come together separately once a week each (so 2 visits in total for dad), or one visit together.

Mum's going in on Monday so I asked to book for myself on Thursday. Apparently I can't do that as too many people are wanting to visit (they are only fully booked until Weds currently and their capacity is in the low 20s and not fully taken up atm).

I pointed out the recent changes in government guidance and the additional guidelines we have found online that state those receiving end of life care should have more relaxed visiting arrangements. He argued that this only the case when someone appeared to have days left. I told him the guidance states end of life as anyone considered to be in their last 12 months. Dad is receiving NHS funding specifically because he falls into this category.

He declined to give me contact details for the owners and fobbed me off by saying I can contact the nurse manager when she is back in on Tuesday. Unfortunately the one we had built a good relationship with has left suddenly so the one that rubs my mum up the wrong way (and vice versa) is now in charge.

I appreciate they need some time to implement changes but they don't seem to be showing any inclination to be proactive about it or in communicating to families of residents.

I know we're fortunate compared to people who have been dealing with this for the last year or more, but it seems crazy that they have tighter regs now, when their residents and staff are vaccinated (as will be the majority of visitors I'd have thought) and LFTs are available than they did last summer.

Of course the main issue from my perspective is the likelihood of mum kicking off again and insisting on bringing dad home.

I've spoken to her since the visit, confirmed her appt for Monday and that I've booked one for the following week and we can go to both together.

I've swerved any further discussion but I know she is planning to bring up the visiting arrangements on Monday.

Hope it goes well @Nodancingshoes.

Just rang DM to say that her pharmacy can provide dosette boxes for her (many different) meds.

She’s often complained about struggling opening blister packs, forgetting what she’s had (has to sit with her breakfast and her medications’ box and ‘come to/get going’ for a couple of hours each morning whilst shouting at the telly).

Of course she says she doesn’t need it . She’s perfectly fine sorting out herself and having it divided up will ‘mess it up’.

Said she should give it a month and if she doesn’t like it she can go back to struggling and swearing at the foil packets whilst simultaneously shushing anyone who dares to breathe in her direction as she counts and recounts her tablets.

My nans nephew is visiting today and bringing her sister and BIL (who has dementia). They are all going to sit in the garden at my nans apartment complex which will be a nice change for her. I hope it doesn't upset her to see her BIL though as he has declined massively since the first lockdown apparently. I do think her sisters situation reminds my nan that she is lucky in comparison - she is an 88 year old women caring for her husband who has severe diabeties and dementia. That must be terrible.

marmite I meant dm forgets about the months she was unable to walk requiring carers and me to do everything for her.....
And also forgets the days out/ visits and describes her highlight of the week as a chiropodist visit........

@thesandwich - my mum's selective memory is the opposite. She only remembers the miserable times. To hear her talk she has had no joy in her life. Ever. Even giving birth to her children is a time remembered as being full of misery. I think that is one of the reasons I've never had my own children (my DB is also childless by choice).

Welcome captain to the club no one wants to be in.
Certainly recognise selective memory in the oldies who block out the toughest times.
daal glad your dad is being looked after.
Hope the visit goes well minty

Hello all, room at the table for me?

I’m living the sandwich generation life.

Kids ranging from 22-7 and my DM who is 87.

Luckily she’s a bloody star and is grateful for everything we do but I do struggle sometimes. She lives independently a few streets away but her mobility has decreased sooooo much in the last couple of years with her arthritis etc.

Organised a stairlift grant which should be fitted in a few months. She was all set to move to a very local sheltered accommodation flat before Covid which would’ve been ideal but she rang up in a cross mood informing me she was NOT moving as it was too stressful.

I had to point out that when she’s had periods of illness/fall and we’ve had to come over and nurse her and do everybloodything WE found it stressful

She’s in denial and seems to block out periods of illness (that involved admission avoidance Carers coming in and me doing personal care/DD having to give up her bedroom) from her memory.

She’s always been an amazing mother though and has a wicked sense of humour. We just wish she’d made the move to the flat (which would’ve sorted her dwindling social life too) then we’d be worrying less.

My DB lives 150 miles away and is nearly 30 years older than me so not much support there.

Good to hear you are getting to see your dad Minty.

exexpat Everything Minty has said is very sensible. My Dad also went into his nursing home temporarily following hospital discharge and it has indeed turned into a long term arrangement (now eight weeks in and going ok).

Be prepared to feel a bit disorientated yourself at first, as its a change in role for everyone - and your mother will likely feel this even more than you do. And don't panic if he seems unsettled - it does take a while. But I can honestly now say that I'm sure dad is better off in nursing care than he was when struggling at home and it's nice to be able to visit, have a chat, and then know that he's safe and I don't need to worry so much.

Hope all goes well tomorrow.

Hi @exexpat.

We've just been through this with my dad.

Make sure everything is labelled inc. clothes

He'll need any meds he's taking in the original packaging, a copy of his prescriptions and if he has a DNAR and any rescue meds they need to go as well.

Check with the home if he will continue to be registered with his own GP or if he'll need to switch practice as you'll need to be aware of this if he does come back home

Pack some treats and things for him to do if appropriate and some family photos

If the home haven't already asked, write a little overview of his life, interests etc to go in with him. I also included info about his care/medical needs.

I did a kind of mini biography including names of siblings (Inc the one who is no longer in contact and the one who passed away last year in case he asked about them) and other important people he might mention; then a section on his hobbies and interests; then the care needs.

It was great to pop along and wave through the window during in quarantine and hear that they'd set up an Echo Dot in his room and were playing his favourite jazz music.

Be prepared that the move might tire him out for a few days, and that he might sometimes be confused as to why you're not visiting (sounds like the rules might mean that's not such an issue).

I hope he settles in okay and that the two weeks goes smoothly for you all.

I'm getting to see my dad properly for the first time in a month tomorrow afternoon .

My father is going into a care home tomorrow on discharge from hospital (fourth hospital stay in six months, plus a few overnights in A&E), officially for respite for a few weeks but my mother and I are expecting/hoping it will turn into a longer term stay, as it is really not safe for him to be at home any more. Any tips from people who have been through this on what to expect the first couple of weeks?

He will be in isolation for two weeks due to covid etc but will be in a room with direct access to a patio so I should be able to see him outside. He is physically very frail and occasionally confused (blood sugars, drugs, infections and so on) but no dementia.

Nan rung me twice at work today- I didnt answer but saw the missed calls. She then rang my sister enquiring as to my whereabouts....