The Cockroach cafe -new look for spring 2021

I picked my moment, having warned the carer why I was coming out. I would hate her to think I was checking up on her!

In the end the doctor phoned and we had a long chat. She spoke to mum who downplayed the pain and said that "her knee was a bit sore" and "maybe swollen" and "she does her best and walks a bit every day". Then she past the phone to me and I listed everything that hurts, the fact that she is losing weight (although that isn't necessarily a problem - she has a lovely slim figure) and that her mobility has deteriorated such that she can no longer lift her legs into bed.

The upshot is that the doc has increased the morphine patches with the new stronger ones starting today, booked her in for blood tests next week and an appointment for two days later to go through the results.

If the new patches help then today will have been worthwhile.

hairbrush so glad this thread is helping you. Vent away, any time.

Good news re doc visit...... it should make her feel important and hopefully listened to.

How’s things knot?

ithinkisaw oh the irony of getting a same day visit when you didn't ask for one! But if the gp is willing to come out, they are validating that there is a concern and hopefully it will help your dm feel less vulnerable in the longer term even if she cranky today.

@thesandwich - sorry, thought I had replied yesterday. What helped me to feel more positive is this thread. I don't want to moan at my family all the time. Four out of five of the kids are living away and can't do anything to help. One lives round the corner and I don't want her to feel it all falls to her. The advice/encouragement from all of you really does make a difference.

Now I am in line for the World's Worst Daughter award. Mum is in terrible pain, she's not eating much because it hurts when she lifts her arms so she's losing weight. Her mobility is so much worse than it was even 6 months ago. The carers have been encouraging me to call the surgery. Last night mum agreed but only because I said that it would probably be three weeks for a routine appointment and that it would most likely be over the phone.

So I rang this morning, explained that I was ringing about her pain levels and had hoped we could speak on the phone rather than having to take her out. But no, the doctor will visit at lunch time!

If you hear a roar of anger from the South West you will know that I have broken the news! I am now sitting at the dining table, watching the road to see the carer arrive and I will tell mum while she is there so she can't be too mad! Positive vibes etc. If I don't return you will know why!

Just seen a struggling poster on AIBU so pointed her to this board. www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4229796-Would-you-spend-most-of-your-time-caring-for-an-elderly-parent

Mum is "bunged up" atm so I got some lactose from the pharmacy.
She's having her hair done later so that might make her feel better.
New fascias/windows/doors being fitted this week so its rather noisy here today.

Glad you are feeling better hairbrush.
Can you think about why that is? What's helped you?
I find telling dm when I am going works best but she has carers 3 times a day anyway. Rather than waiting for a call.
Appt for dm later. Sitting in the garden slapping on the Teflon. I"ll send some through the ether to you all!
knot Hope things are as ok as poss. Re the bed- if you have to move or buy one could you book a handyman type or man with van to assemble or move it?
Some smaller furniture places sometimes offer assembly.
Hope other solutions emerge.

After a miserable weekend the sun is still shining here and I am ready wiling and able to start the week on a more positive note.

I haven't spoken to mum yet this morning - "the call" could come at any moment - but I am feeling much more positive in myself so that will help right?

I want to say a huge thankyou to everyone on this board. Everyone is carrying so much yet still so supportive. Thank you for keeping me going.

I still feel daughter guilt but I’m learning it’s ok not to always like their behaviour. Before I’m through the door I’m asked, oh can you look at this letter, can you change the lightbulb and put the bin out, and your dad is not having a good day. I will of course attend to all of this but it would be nice just to have a hello first. I settle myself by putting the kettle on and making a hot drink for us so I can count to 50 in the kitchen and then I’m ready. Like pps I know the questions and the answers in advance- for example
Mum - so have you had a busy day?
Actual meaning - where have you been, it is 1 o’clock, I bet you’ve seen some friends or the Baron’s family instead of rushing to see us on your day off???
The guilt of saying this doesn’t go away but I can acknowledge that it is ok to distance myself in my head a bit, if helps me cope. As does reading this thread as I know I’m very lucky in some respects, I.e the car has gone and we’ve got through a very bad patch a couple of years ago when we didn’t know how they could continue to live on their own. Hope you all have a good week and take care of yourselves.

On a lighter note, DM was waiting in the gynae dept for her bladder pessary refit.
The nurses (seeing an 87 year old walking slowly with a stick) asked if the radio was on too loud in the waiting room.
DM replied with ‘I’d prefer Rag ‘n’ Bone Man or Artic Monkeys if you have any’

They certainly didn’t expect that reply!

Hospital catch up - Mum still looks shocking and she's in pain. The OTs are trying to get her to do stuff that she's not ready to do, I have a good idea how that's going to work out for them. There are mutterings about having a bed downstairs with no consideration of how I am supposed to get a bed downstairs on my own. They are all double beds anyway so I'd have to buy a new one and assemble it myself. Right just now I'm not thinking about this, I'll deal with it "later".

Nope...me too knot
My mil hates the "new" me :)
I rarely visit now, no longer make an effort with her horrible relatives (she dislikes them too) nor - and here's the rub - care a jot what she thinks.
I could smack my younger self.
What a moron I was :(

It was a revelation when I found that it was not my job to make other people happy, it was one of those moments where the world tilts around you and you suddenly see things in a different way. It most certainly was my job to consider everyone else's wants and put their needs before mine. "Don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm" - I was raised to do that. Let me slave over the perfect Christmas, taking into account what everyone else thinks that means. What do I want? I have no idea, what I wanted never came into the equation.

I can't be the only one raised on the assumption of self sacrifice, that our needs should come last. It is not healthy and it doesn't need to be that way.

marmite I completely get the being sucked dry with nothing left to give.
Please be kind to yourself. I keep trying to tell myself I am not responsible for my dms happiness. I will do what I can but that must not diminish me. Easy to say harder to stick to.🌺🌺cockroach all.

IthinkIsawahairbrush I can't give you advice only empathy. I totally understand the wish not to go and see your mum - sometimes I am the same. Its like a painful visit to the dentist - you go do it but know its going to be a horrible experience. My mother is the eternal victim/martyr. I saw her this evening. I was shattered having driven for 8 hours on a fruitless errand. Did she say what a nice surprise it was to see me, have I had a nice day, hasn't the sun been lovely & did i get a chance to relax in it for a shortwhile? Did she heck, she sat in the chair holding her head in a hand sighing loudly & telling me how very tired she is. I appreciate how wearing your mum must be.

I feel dreadful guilt that I can't make her life better/perfect, that no matter how much my DSis & I give her its not enough but we are both too tired to give more. I've felt responsible for her happiness since I was13. 47 years later I'm sucked dry and I hate myself for that.

exexpat that does sound like teething problems and it's good to hear he's happy. And it's good that they let you know quickly that he'd fallen - you want them to communicate and be open with you. Hopefully they will get to know him quickly and get everything in place to keep him safe and supported.

My mum has joined a geriatric online dating site.

DD is furious but it's largely elderly widow/ers who are lonely and looking for companionship.

If it gives her a distraction and a bit of a giggle and stops her obsessing about L I really can't bring myself to get her up about it tbh.

More material for the future book.

Spoke to her about visiting arrangements as we're going in tomorrow and she was going to try and speak to someone. Have told her the manager isn't available until Tuesday and she has agreed to let me do a bit more research around the issue and email the rather than tackle them herself.

It's been a good day here (touch wood). Best mate, DD and I went for a mooch around a couple of garden centres this morning, got the last few plants I need for my front garden project and several v. indulgent local cheeses in the farm shop for our picnic next weekend, then sang along to the B52s at the top of our lungs in the car on the way home .

Hi all,
Mum in a very odd mood the past few days and spending more time at my sisters which usually means she is giving her money - its the only time my sister tolerates her company.
Hey ho.
I've got work starting on the house Tomorrow so have told her I'll be down there later than usual.
I offered for her to come for lunch, declined.
I offered to go down and watch some TV with her later, declined 🤷‍♀️
So...family film night it is 😁

@CaptainAwkward thanks for the first proper giggle of the day! I do feel the relationship is unhealthy and looking back she probably has always had too much control in our relationship. I have said that if she can not get in and out of bed without help I need to call the surgery and see if there is anything they can do about her pain meds.

@exexpat I think I prefer my problem of having mum too close than your problem of worrying about her alone in an unsuitable house. So glad I have a whole tribe of children who can work together when DH and I reach this stage!

Hairbrush - you sound so worn down and sucked into it all. The way you are living is not normal - it is not a life, really - and you need to take a step back. I would strongly agree with MereDintofPandiculation's advice to distance yourself, but I know that is easier said than done.

Thanks @MintyCedric and @AChickenCalledDaal for the wise words on nursing homes. I delivered DF there yesterday morning, and he seemed happy (very posh nursing home, the room looks more like a hotel). Since then I have already dealt with a panicky phone call last night about the wrong kind of bed, and a call this morning saying he had a fall in the night...

But I am hoping these are just teething problems, not helped by it being a last-minute weekend admission arranged at 5pm on Friday so lots of corners were cut and the management and maintenance people aren't around at weekends.

Now I just have to worry about my almost equally frail and disabled mother being alone in their huge and unsuitable house.

hairbrush that is awful. You must protect your time.
Can care package be reseated to be more useful?
knot how are your elderlies? And you?

The lack of an edit feature is a real drawback here.

Your mother IS!!! So sorry! That sounded horrible! Silly autocorrect

@IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere
Do you realise that you’re in an abusive relationship? Your mother isn’t the abuser