The Cockroach cafe -new look for spring 2021

I am sorry Marmite. I have a journal for this, I find it helps for me to catch the thoughts running through my head and stick them down on paper. Some days I look at it and I can see that it's me that's the problem, usually it's that I haven't slept and then all the things that usually roll right off me become massive things that I can't cope with. Having enough sleep is hugely important for me because without that the rest of my life falls apart.

YanTan welcome to the fold. I don't know what the answer is either, if I did then I wouldn't be here.

Mum is still in hospital, she is more herself, fit for discharge and itching to be out. I'm fielding phone calls about the bannisters and how many steps are there to the front door and yesterday I visited at exactly the right time to intervene in the "I'm not having strangers in my house" face off. This is the opportunity to get the long overdue fall alarm installed and fingers crossed, she might understand that there is a need for an evening carer once she's had one. I am reasonably certain that I'll read the riot act and she'll have them for a fortnight and then get rid but we'll see. I think she's had a fright this time, I certainly did. I thought the brain bleed was going to be life changing, I'm now looking at her dementia as trivial because I've seen her when she's really been making no sense.

Oh marmite I am so sorry to read this.
I can understand completely - so many demands, straws breaking the camels back.
Can you take break today?

Yan Tan, I hope you have been able to find yourself again and are feeling better. It really is impossible to understand why some parents feel that they own not only their own lives but the lives of their children as well.

Today DM had to go for an scan. She 's had bulge in her side for an undefined time - 12 months, 2 years, 5 years. It varies. She wouldn't ask GP because she thought she'd end up going to hospital. One day was in Drs surgery with her and I raised it with Dr. who has sent her for scan.

I took her to her appointment. As soon as we got in car she told me DSis had refused to help her have a shower. True because she asked for help in shower at 11.30 last night when DSis was on way to bed, & had refused shower at 8pm when DSis had asked if she wanted one. DBiL asked her last night if she would like him to install a walk in shower in the bathroom. She said "No".

Negotiated my way around city center in heavy morning rush hour traffic while DM gave me her views on why traffic is so heavy, why so many road works etc. Apparently all due to "the Chinese". Didn't inquire further; told her I needed quiet to concentrate on busy traffic island and series of right turns. DM informs me she doesn't like quiet and continued to jibber jabber her conspiracy theory and strange story about BiL who is going to have his eye taken out and turned round.

Mum has scan. Am allowed to go in with her - mainly as coat carrier, walking stick carrier, and carrier of mum's two bags - one containing tupperware box of tablets. Why the box of tablets? "In case Dr wants to see them". Explained at least 20 times this week she is not seeing Dr & radiographer will only do what GP has asked for - ie. not interested in scratch dog did on leg etc.

DM cannot get on bed. Not sure why because bed at home is far higher and she has no problem with it. Bed lowered, DM still can't get on it. Clutching her two bags, coat & walking stick plus my handbag I help mum on to bed because radiographer is not allowed to. Now I know those beds aren't very comfortable but did she really need to lie there with her eyes closed moaning "my back, oh my back" over and over?

Scan done. Radiographer says although the results needed to be looked at again she can see nothing untoward - no cysts, tumours, tissue thickening etc. Leave clinic with DM complaining
about radiographer not scanning her back when she could see she was in pain.

Get back to DSis. DM says she wants to go shopping (quelle suprise) but wants cuppa first. DSis says DM needs to put her feet up for an hour for rest then will be ok to go out. Sit in DSis kitchen for 5 hours while mum has rest (good, no problem) then piddles about for 4 hours doing nothing in particular. Remind her a couple of times about going shopping and am told "yes, don't be so impatient, I'm getting ready". 3.45pm, I'm feeling tired and say I'm off home. DM suddenly decides she wants to go shopping now.

Go out to join school/rush hour traffic. Drive to nearest supermarket. Leave store with trolley full of bags. Tryng to push trolley while supporting mum with one arm etc. Say to mum, "stand there a second while I push this trolley down the curb.". Push trolley off curb, it makes the sort of metallic clanging noise that trolleys do. Behind my left shoulder I hear "oh, oh, oh I'm falling". Turn round to see mum standing there, right as rain, with her walking stick, not falling. Turn back to see trolley clang into my car.

Tell her calmly that I think I won't be bringing her to the supermarket again, that it's not safe for her and it's too difficult for me to manage. Immediately feel like I've stolen sweets from a child. Help her into car where she cries so I feel even more horrible.

Glad to get home to DH. Sit down & almost straight off DB texts to say he's feeling suicidal. Text back & forth for a bit then suggest he needs professional help. Brother cuts contact leaving me worried. DH starts complaining about program on tv but keeps watching and complaining loudly. Get annoyed and ask him to either change channel or keep comments in his head. DH gets annoyed with me, goes into a sulk and tells me to go to bed if I'm so tired.

I'm sure I'm not the only one on this thread who knows what it's like to be so so tired but not able to sleep because you can't relax because there is so much stuff going round in your head? I didn't realise I had written so much - I've jibber-jabbered on. but tbh it's been so cathartic.

Thank you.
My PILs were easier because my two SILs are very hands on.

@YanTanTethera123 are you looking after yourself now? You’ve been through hell
Have you been thrust into the role of caring for your PIL now?

yantan that is so unbelievably awful. I am so sorry.

Thank you, I appreciate that.
My relationship with my parents wasn’t a good one, never told ‘I love you’ or that they were proud of me whilst one sister was the golden girl and totally indulged because ‘She nearly died as a baby’.

Unfortunately it’s come to light she’s been given thousands of pounds over the years despite bragging about her ‘million pound house’ and that as an executor of his parents’ Wills my father withheld my inheritances (£££££ that would have made an enormous difference to my life)
I dread to think what else is going to emerge.

Caring for elderly parents and in-laws is so hard. I lost my sense of ‘me’ long ago. My father would cancel care packages for my mother every time she was discharged from hospital ‘because the money’s for me when I need a nursing home’. I got into debt in the end paying for carers because I simply couldn’t keep driving back and forth and I couldn’t stay in their house because of no space.
In the end mum went into a care home because the hospital social worker, after multiple admissions and failed discharges, threatened safeguarding.
My father had to go into the same care home months later because he had a bad fall.
I honestly don’t know what the answer is, I only know I will do my utmost to ensure my DCs never end up in this situation.

Gosh, YanTan that’s such a lot to process, especially going forward with your sisters. Hopefully, they look back and recognise that the cards you were dealt weren’t the ones you would have chosen for yourself.

@YanTanTethera123 I'm so sorry...what an awful thing to have happened .

Chicken I think reassure and distract is probably the best plan. I have no idea whether my dad has dementia or if his confusion is just frailty related, but it comes in fits and starts, and prior to him going into the home he was still considered to have capacity .

Off for another visit in a mo, with mum. Have been having panic attack symptoms for about 40 minutes...probably a combo of previous visits being crap and knowing I've got to stay at mum's tonight and have so much to do at home. I've been doing stuff in the garden instead of inside while the weather's decent, but now I feel like imchasing my tail with everything else.

I know it's awful to moan as my circumstances have improved,but I would give anything to have a week or two at home without having to visit either of them...just to catch up with everything and then enjoy my space for a bit.

YanTanTethera that's so rough and I'm so sorry you lost your parents in those circumstances. Grieving is such a complicated thing at the best of times, and these certainly aren't the best of times. Do be kind to yourself when it hits you (as it probably will) at some random and unexpected moment.

@MintyCedric I'm still figuring out how to deal with the confusion, to be honest. I think he sometimes confuses me with my mum (who died three years ago) but we are physically very similar and I've kind of got used to people mixing up our names over the years. So it's ok and occasionally entertaining as I get little insights into their relationship.

What I'm finding hard is knowing how much to play along. I know that telling him it's all in his mind will upset him, but I also don't want to validate his view that the burly man is going to attack him in the middle of the night! And its upsetting when he's anxious about something that isn't real.

Mostly I'm going for a strategy of telling him as often as possible that he's safe, that I'm looking after things at home and all his bills are paid. And then distracting him with news from home (tricky because there isn't any) or asking questions about the past (occasionally lovely). I have found that showing him photographs is good to get him focused on reality - and I can do that when we talk over Zoom which makes a change from looking at my own face.

And frankly I'm also quite relieved that visits are limited to 30 mins because that's about my limit!!

God, how I feel for everyone on here.

I have booked a slot for Saturday morning (there goes my day off...again). Mum will need to take a lateral flow test in the car park and wait for a result until she is allowed to enter, and must wear a mask and apron for her 60 minute visit
I had to go through this to see firstly my dying father in December then my mother in January.
Both died during the 30 minute wait for the results.

I have yet to grieve, perhaps I never will. My sisters grabbed visiting rights, I hadn’t seen either of them for months because of the care home rules so I guess I mentally said goodbye in the middle of last year sometime?

I was a nurse so when my father had incontinence problems I was expected to drive a 38 mile round trip to clean up ‘because you’re used to it’ according to my mother and sisters (who lived within a couple of miles of parents). It’s interesting that that was the only thing they considered me suitable for 😳

The trick is, not to try to like her, but distance yourself from her. Stand back and observe her as if she were a rat in an experiment Dint your advice is brilliant, if austere.

hairbrush I asked my DM to give me permission to speak directly with her GP etc on her behalf and that has helped.

Minty you'll have to refer to him as The Fourth Man now I think (not a spoiler).

I have had an easier than I anticipated time at the bank with PoA, the process seems to be working. I am pretty excited about the care agency starting, they are my new best friends.

It has been a strain since my DF died well over a decade ago now. Probably only just computing that as relief descends.

Cheers and cockroaches.

Oh @Nodancingshoes it's shit when that happens isn't it? The week after Dad went into the home, when I thought I'd get a break I had 2 GP appt and Covid Vax for mum, got locked out of my house and had a puncture. Life is just a fucker sometimes.

@AChickenCalledDaal how are you coping with your dad's confusion? Sounds quite similar to how my dad is at time...he went through a phase of thinking I was a nurse and complaining about how late his dinner was and that there wasn't enough sweetcorn! Generally I just nod and smile and sometimes it quite amusing but there have been a few tricker moments. He asked about his sister once, who went n/c with us last year as she wasn't happy about their brother's will, and the other day when I saw him at the home, he was nodding off and said 'goodnight mum'. His mum died 38 years ago when I was 7 so that was a bit of a shocker.

Hope you are all well. Not been to nans for a couple of days due to work but popped in today. Apparently life isnt worth living, the doctors surgery are incompetent and she also said she wished she still lived in her previous flat (40 miles away from us and a 2 hour round journey)... I sympathetically listened although I took issue with the flat thing - she wouldnt see anyone at all except for weekends if she still lived there and we wouldnt be able to get to her in an emergency, get her shopping etc...she lightened up abit after this and we had a nice conversation about when I was a little girl. Shes got 4 healthcare appointments over the weekend so no relaxing bank holiday for me...

Good to hear you are both able to visit Minty and also that you've had a bit of time to yourself.

I was definitely suffering from PDT today - I've secured a weekly visiting slot but it involves leaving work early and dashing over there, which doesn't put me in the best frame of mind for listening to Dad's increasingly random ramblings about six foot men who are out to get him and how they are going to throw him our of the home because he doesn't have any coins to give the "waiters" a tip. And he's started referring to me in the third person, which makes me wonder who on earth he thinks is sitting in front of him.

Anyway, overall it went OK.

Also had a nice bonus - our local Action for Carers is doing research into the "discharge to assess" process and how well it's working during the pandemic. So I filled in a survey - had a nice long and very cathartic telephone conversation with a nice lady who very patiently listened to me rant about all the things that went wrong - and then I was rewarded with a £30 John Lewis voucher for being so helpful. I feel a bit guilty ... but not guilty enough to give it back .

Nail on the head with PMT...although with me it tends to be as much mild panic attacks on the way there as the come down afterwards.

We both went to see Dad on Monday...he want particularly engaged again. Also managed to sort out visiting issue...we can both go once a week each, subject to availability of slots.

Mum has been on fairly good form for the last few days on the whole. Touch wood, I think she's slowly accepting that the home will be a long term arrangement.

There's been a few facepalm moments regarding her forays into finding a companion online and the ongoing L saga (any Line of Duty fans here? Feel like renaming him as H!), but I've managed to spend a bit more time at home.

So it's good for now, although I feel like I have a years worth of stuff to catch up on in my own home!

I kinda think Pals would just be one more thing on my list to do...

PMT is a good description for how I get with DM. Bracing myself for the expected onslaught. The lottery win visits are when I take her shopping over and she is asleep in front of the blaring TV, allowing me to slip out of the door and skip down the garden path.

Unlike your elderlies, DM remains untouched by pain at 93. She is stoic to a T.

I too suffer from PMT. My husband sees me walk through the door with steam coming out of my ears after a frustrating bout with mother and asks "Is the PMT playing up again?"

@CaptainAwkward yes, mum's biggest issue is her pain/lack of mobility. She often says "If it didn't hurt I'd be ok!"

That’s shit @notaflyingmonkey. Have you thought about contacting PALS to gee them up?
DM rang and is in lots of pain with her osteoporosis/arthritis etc. Managed to convince her to have a medication review.
Her pain threshold has decreased massively though in her old age, anyone else noticed that with their oldies?

How frustrating nota. Gin sounds good.
Just identified I suffer like many here from PMT..... pre or post mother tension. Best treated with large amounts of alcohol/ cream cakes/ chocolate.

I took DM to a hospital appointment today. The skin cancer that I alerted her GP to in Sept, and which was referred to the hospital under the two week rule, has still not been bloody treated. This must be the third appointment on the subject. They started out in Dec by doing a biopsy of completely the wrong bit of skin. Dr phoned me a couple of months ago to say slow moving cancer, I said ok, but that was actually the wrong bit. He promised me it would be sorted today. Nope. I was met with a rather confused nurse whose role it was to check the healing. The healing for the procedure that hasn't bloody happened yet.

DM kept asking if she was there for her heart.

I think I will skip dinner tonight and head straight for the gin.

Not too early at all. Any little success is good!

Well done! 🌺🌺bit early for 🍷but who cares.