The Cockroach cafe -new look for spring 2021

I just feel empty and sad.

I honestly wish we had stayed away. We have left our home rented out because we couldn’t sell due to Covid, our friends, our lovely pets who are being fostered by friends, our furniture, my son left his lovely girlfriend to come here where we aren’t welcome and treated like crap! I want to jump on the next plane back, but we are stuck now.

She has one of those alarms now and a key box too, but I think it’s the lack of stimulation and company as much as anything else. She and her friend would go out at least once a week on the bus, but then lockdown happened, then we got here, went to the other city , then she had the fall so now housebound. Although the OT lady has been wonderful and now mum has a Zimmer and one of those trolly seat thing too, she certainly can’t go out on her own. It’s the phoning me at 7am when I’m there or in the other place, the fetching and carrying, the endless washing and cleaning. She has a weak bladder so uses the tena pants at night and pads during the day. Not a thank you for anything I do, my Dh sits in the kitchen not the living room because she hisses at me she doesn’t want him in the house, it’s outrageous. I told her you are not keeping me from my family and I’m not letting my marriage suffer because of her unpleasant attitude. He has been so kind to her over the years, paid for mum and dad to visit us every second year we were aboard, and we would try to come home in between he cuts her toenails for her and this is how she treats him!

Hugs @Rhannion

my dad died 4 years ago, they didn’t have a good marriage but the way she goes on about him, one minute she hates him, then it’s all tears.

Oh I can so relate to this and tbf it's not helping my patience with mum...I can never be sure if she's crying from dad, herself or the situation with the bloody carer.

Compassion fatigue doesn't even begin to describe it. I literally feel nothing but irritation when she gets upset and then I feel guilty because I should be able to empathise and want to comfort her but there's just nothing there.

She has no idea of the strain we have been under, or more accurately she doesn’t care.

That's exactly how I feel.

Posted before I'd finished because my cat has enormous feet and marched across the keyboard (he's not called the Tank for nothing!)

Could your mum have one of those Lifeline alarms?
That way if she did have a fall she could get help quickly and if necessary medical help straightaway.

And no @Rhannion you're not alone, lovely.

The emotional blackmail from her is wearing me out and I just don’t know what to do now. She is 85 and my dad died 4 years ago, they didn’t have a good marriage but the way she goes on about him, one minute she hates him, then it’s all tears. She has no idea of the strain we have been under, or more accurately she doesn’t care. I’m worried about my son,we have left our lives behind us to restart here and she has made it unbearable. I’ve managed to spend the last couple of days with Dh in the other flat we are renting but have to go back to mum tonight and I’m dreading it, the atmosphere is awful and I don’t want to go back. Ds has to go back as he has his Covid jag tomorrow

She "needs", does she, hm Minty?

How very very odd that when it looks like you might have a sniff of freedom, all of a sudden her "needs" escalate.
Mine tells me on a fairly regular basis that she's going to take an overdose, it's sort of old news now. It is literally, brinksmanship. See what I can do to myself if you don't stop me. (I know she hasn't, I might add, because I see her meds - I'm not just being irresponsible.)

It's all about power and control, but you know that. I imagine the evening before you go there will be some sort of manufactured crisis which will demand that you drop everything and sort it out so you don't go away.
Oh - and if it were me, my phone would mysteriously run out of charge during the holiday, too.

You’ve got me in tears here, I’m not alone in this.
Dh , Ds who is 18 and I moved back here to UK in February. Dh has a job in one city and Mum lives in another about a hour away. We are having to split our time between two cities. Mum lives in a two bed top floor tenement flat , and we have to share the other room with our son when we are there. Mum had a long lie , over 12 hours until the neighbour found her, mum wasn’t able to reach her phone. She was in hospital for 2 weeks then discharged with no care package in place, we have spent weeks trying to get one in place, finally did and she doesn’t want it! She is abusive to me & Dh , he sits in the kitchen because she is so unpleasant to him, blaming him for “ taking her daughter and grandson away” and I am stuck in the middle.

Ugh...just had three hours of melodrama with mum.

Yet more whining about why I don't want to get to know L...what a nice man he is...she can't understand my attitude.

In response to the fact I'm going to be away for oooh 48 hours 'well...I might see you when you get back...' whilst fiddling with a knife, followed by more or less threatening to slash her wrists. I told her I'd ring 111 and get her some psychiatric help..."no...no...I'm not going to do it...well probably, it depends how down I get..."

Followed by "I wish you cared about me more...I need you to spend more time with me..."

WTAF?!

Hairbrush I'm glad that you are able to get away for a couple of days. Does it help you to set aside a specific time for worrying? Give yourself a cup of tea and a timer for 15 minutes, write everything down on a sheet of paper and then look to see what you can do. There's 29 people on the rehab list? There's nothing you can do about that. No idea whether mum will return home? There's nothing you can do about that. When the timer pings then write down anything you can do on a to do list (order name labels so clothes can go in the communal wash) and be firm with yourself that you'll worry about that (whatever "that" is) tomorrow in the designated time slot.

You're not in limbo. Your mum is safe, maybe not happy but she wasn't happy at home either. She isn't on her own and there's always someone to do whatever she needs doing. Nothing bad is going to happen and you aren't responsible for every single thing in her life. You don't know when the next change is coming but whenever it comes you can deal with it then.

DH and I are running away together! Our son is graduating at the end of July. We had planned to go up the day before, stay two nights then come home but we are going up TWO days before! So we have a whole day in a strange place to explore or relax.

I don't know what to make of mum. She has good days and bad days. I saw her on Thursday and it was as though she had never been ill. She chatted so happily and sensibly although she was convinced that Dr Jenny Harries was in the hospital for a conference because "there was a crowd of people around one of the door ways and there was a boy of about 14 who was probably her son"! But I came away thinking that she would be home and back to normal.

But yesterday she totally different. She was upset because she heard the phone ring at 6.30 a.m. and she had worried that there was something wrong with us at home. I thought had jollied her out of it and said that she must have heard the phone from the nurses' station. She said that she is struggling to walk and in awful pain. And then as I left she said "Is there any way you can find out who was calling me at 6.30?" She also has no idea how she came to be in hospital. I tell her she fell and got stuck but none of the gory details of the state of the bedroom and bathroom when I got there.

I spoke to the only nurse I could see around as I left the ward and she confirmed what mum had told me - that there were 29 patients on the list to be transferred to rehab. The patients who will benefit most from rehab are prioritised so I have no idea where mum is on the list. I feel I am in limbo now.

One thing I saw yesterday at the hospital that changed my view of the ward completely - I've always seen it as very busy, very "medical" - if you're not getting better you're written off type thing. There was an elderly lady in a wheelchair sitting by the desk. She had a dementia twiddle muff and a few other things in her lap and she was shouting phrases over and over. The nurse I saw at the desk was holding her hand and talking to her as she did her work, occasionally asking her to whisper when she was talking to me. I came away close to tears because there was so much compassion there.

Every day feels like a holiday, I've sorted the garden out and the next phase is redecorating my bedroom. All those things I haven't had time to do over the last couple of years are getting done...

That's great. I've also got plenty of household clearing out and maintenance to catch up with...took 10 bags to the tip on Thursday!

I go back to work in 9 weeks so want to have the house straight and make some time for my writing before then as it will be hell on wheels.

I don't mind self-catering hols in the UK but not so keen when abroad. I already have a cottage booked for next summer and have already checked which supermarkets deliver. I'm familiar with the area now as have been there previously so feel more confident about getting out on foot and exploring the local pubs etc...can't wait!

Camping - I turn into an irritable dictator when I've had no sleep so anything without a wonderful bed is a nope for me and for anyone travelling with me. Having to think about food supply is no holiday either so (unless I get a dog) I'm done with self catering holidays too.

I keep looking at hotels but as I can't decide where to go I don't get further than that. Every day feels like a holiday, I've sorted the garden out and the next phase is redecorating my bedroom. All those things I haven't had time to do over the last couple of years are getting done apart from the paperwork for the blue badge renewal which is sitting looking at me from the end of the coffee table.

Urgh, glamping! (I shouldn't say that, one of my friends has a glamping site and it's their living, but - it's not for me. I like a proper roof....)
I tell you what, I am so sad for the people down here on holiday - I know I'm supposed to be like "oh nasty tourists flocking to Cornwall bringing death on their tyres" but the poor buggers have as much of a right to sea and clean air as I do, so long as they're civil about it - imagine this is your holiday and it's p*ssing down all day.

Bloody miserable enough for me, and I live here!

Oh @MrsRussell I wish that were true.

She prefixed the story with "I know you don't want to hear about L but..."

I've never been camping with my bestie before either, and am not a huge camping enthusiast. My ex was really into it, but liked DIY glamping...8 man steel framed tent that took hours and several arguments to erect, double height airbeds, electric hook ups and mini fridges, full camp kitchen and proper cooking every night and sites with 'entertainment' for a week at a time.

I prefer two or three nights in my three-man which I can thrown up single handed in 20 minutes, a cheap airbed from Tesco, a firepit and peace and quiet.

Hit "post" before I meant to - I wonder whether with your mum Minty, the boundaries have become so blurred that telling you the funny story was no more than "a funny thing happened in the office today"?

One of the other things that makes me sad for my mum is how narrow her world has become. She doesn't have that social currency any more, her whole world is bounded by the walls of her flat and the village shop, and so she is horribly, horribly interested in What The Neighbours Do - because it's all she's got.

Minty hope the weather gets a bit drier! (I never had the, er, joy of camping with my bestie, who's too tall for tents, so I can't imagine how much fun that might be...)

Someone said on here the other day a thing that resonated with me about how once their parent - can't remember any more specifics - had accepted help how much more freedom their parent had also, that they could do all this stuff that they had lost the ability to do without it having to be timetabled in or asked for. Mum is now on board with the idea of going into sheltered accomodation and moving out of our village - she rang last night to say one of the other flats in her block has gone up for sale, so she thinks it's time to move on.

It's so good to read that we are all (touch wood) managing to get a bit of space and freedom atm.

Had a rather terse convo with mum yesterday (re L...again ) but am going round later for a visit. She was desperate to tell me a 'funny' story about something that had happened when he'd been visiting another client. I listened in silence then told her I found neither funny nor professional of him to be discussing it with another client.

Anyway will then be away for a couple of days, camping with my best which will make a welcome change.

Keep on keeping on knot you're doing brilliant!!!!
I've been down to see mum today and we had quite a nice couple of hours. I have set her up with her internet banking login (and Minecraft, she wants to learn how to play Minecraft!) but no bed-making, no bin emptying, none of that.
Was nice. That's sort of what normal looks like, I think.

How brilliant to read that knot hold those precious gains

I'm not sure I could cope with prom dress shopping, I missed that milestone because my DS and his group were prom refusers. They went out for pizza and bowling instead. I'm glad that you had a good time though Minty. My son has taken second place throughout the many granny crises and it's lovely that just as things are opening up we can go out for breakfast or to the cinema without me having my eye on the clock and coming back to 11 answering machine messages.

I have managed to lose a stone now I have the time to go out for a walk and I'm no longer celebrating getting through each day with wine and cheese at 9pm. I've told the doctor I am no longer a carer and I've stopped my carer's credit. MIL should be returning home from hospital sometime next week, I feel ok about that today rather than dealing with dread, guilt and resentment. No-one has asked me to do anything and maybe they won't.

marmite no you are certainly NOT!!!!!

Am I being a horrible daughter? My mother has called me 3 times before 8.30 and I've ignored every call. She lives with my sister & her husband plus nephews & niece so it's not like there's no one there if she's fallen etc.

Knot I'm glad you finally have some headspace, resist them filling it again for you.

Hairbrush that's good news, it's a respite to evaluate what you can and can't shoulder long term. She needs to accept the help which allows her to carry on, at whatever level of independence she can still have. I would say my DM is more independent in the care home than she was in her own home where every day was just a long struggle against falling or making it to the loo on time, with no freedoms and no real choices - now with all the help on hand, she can eat a nice cooked meal in company or watch a film as part of an audience or go in the garden which are little freedoms she didn't have before.

What a nice day Minty I hope you have many more nice days with your daughter and fewer days having to sort your DM out. I don't know what the ages of your Mum and this male carer are but my DM's care agency listed inappropriate transactions in the contract to be reported to them and most were less serious than the boundaries he has crossed, although I appreciate he was not your DM's carer, he was assigned to the family. I personally would get together with the other concerned friends who have direct experience of this and compile a dispassionate, factual and not overlong report for the care company and send to the manager / director. I'm assuming she's significantly older than him but I may have that all wrong.

I have been dealing with DM's LPoA slogging through the various financial institutions it needs to be registered with, her bank are the worst. All I can say about it is Cockroaches.