The Cockroach cafe -new look for spring 2021

Oh knot sorry you are having to unravel all this. Hope you have a good evening and feel better tomoz.

I made the mistake of opening two voting envelopes at the same time. I was on an auto-open of post and just mindlessly opened everything. This is not a good idea and I wouldn't recommend it.

Mum is out of the hospital, I must have taken eight calls today from various bits of the NHS. I have a splitting headache and the tension in my neck is unbelievable. I am going to have some mindless tv and an early night. Tomorrow I have to start calling to see wtf they've done with her medication - I spoke to the pharmacist and thought I knew what they were going to do and why so was surprised to find extras in her party pack, one of which previously caused so much nausea that she lost a stone in weight.

So it's not meant to go into the inner envelope? Phew! I was panicking in case I had got it wrong!

For elderly people? I find it terrifying - especially as we had three voting slips to complete today. I have had a postal vote for years as we were away when there was an election so I chose a postal vote and now I have them all the time. Mind you - I am elderly now I am nearly 60!

Just popping in.
Glad today went well hairbrush cataract ops are lifechangers. Hope it happens soon.
shoes I can understand her comments. Haven’t had that convo yet with dm( mid 90s) she was complaining how hard the postal voting system would be for elderly people- ie not her…
Hope everyone else is as ok as possible.

Today has gone well. We went to see the nurse for a blood test - left the house so early we had time to pick up posh rolls and cake for lunch. Home in time for her to relax before the optician came.

He checked her eyes, she is blind in one eye and the other has a sever cataract that has developed over the last two years so it's not surprising that she can't see. He has referred her to the hospital for the op which is actually a 20 minute procedure and she will see results immediately. He is sending the referral along with a letter asking them treat her as a special case (not sure why other than the fact that she was his Sunday School teacher and he was always a favourite of hers!) but we could still be waiting for 6 months or so.

However the thought that the op is worth having and will improve her quality of life is a cause of great excitement and she is very happy.

A day to recover tomorrow then the GP on Thursday.

We're back. I was allowed in - never knew how noisy MRI scanners are! It wasn't an easy task getting her laid flat and then getting her up again. She has said that she is refusing any future investigations such as this and I cant say I blame her. At 95, there isnt alot of point- they wont be able to improve her quality of life now.

@exexpat I know my nan thinks she has lived too long- she regularly tells me. She has also lost a child like your mum and I think that's something you can never recover from, regardless of age. I do feel she has some pleasure in life though - she has 6 great grandchildren that bring her happiness. I wish she would sometimes look at the positives. Easier said than done o suppose...
Early start today- MRI at 9am. She wants me to go in the room with her but I told her I didnt think it would be allowed?? Anyone know?

Did our mother's never learn the skills needed to become functioning adults?

Actually, thinking about it, a lot of elderly parents probably grew up during the war years (my own late parents included), who knows what they had to endure. Although it didn’t help me when I was trying to cope with their many old age problems. Many sympathies to you all, it’s very, very hard.

BinaryDot - my mother has been saying repeatedly for years that old people should be taken out and shot as soon as they reach 70. When she started saying it, it was almost jokingly (although she has been caring for my father since he was disabled at 65, and she had her first stroke at 70) but these days (84, frail, in pain and housebound for years) I think she really means it. I think she would rather not have stayed alive after my sister died four years ago.

I can only sympathise with her, but of course I also know lots of hale and hearty 80-somethings who are still cycling to their allotments and were going on interesting holidays before Covid hit, and who would definitely not agree with her.

YanTan that’s a really hard job you have done, with a lot of pain. As PP says I hope you can get back to yourself and take care of yourself, you did a duty you didn’t owe and that is very hard.

Marmite you sound overloaded, other competent adults should be stepping up beside you.

Minty it is hard for you with your DF, I would not have the patience with your DM doing this emotional stuff – at least she acknowledged your help.

Hairbrush: I honestly feel that she uses the whole "help me with my knickers" thing to control me. If she can make me do that then she has scored a point. Am I being ridiculous? Yes she is, no you’re not.

Exexpat – gah. My DM tells me she doesn’t want to be alive any more, she told the physio last week that she was envious of Prince Phillip. I think this is pretty common in very old and unwell folk. She has instructed me not to live beyond 85.

Off to her place next week, about 6 hours door to door on trains. Spending the week setting up as many services as possible from carers to mobile hairdresser to podiatrists. Hoping to see the GP with her. When we talked about this trip 4 weeks back we said we might be able to go to the local café for the first time but on the phone today she was complaining about bad pain again (GP locum called out last week, could be anything from general Parkinson’s pain to hairline osteoporosis fracture, he thinks it’s sciatica – he doesn’t want to refer her to hospital, I agree, she’s been down this road before) and had forgotten I was coming - I don’t think she’ll make it to any cafés.

So sorry exepat

@exexpat how awful. I do feel for you.

Well, DF's stay in the nursing home lasted just short of a week before he ended up back in hospital. He had just seemed to be settling down after hating it and having lots of issues over the first few days too... And of course if he is discharged back there, the whole two week isolation thing starts from scratch again.

Meanwhile equally frail DM had a fall this week too (no injuries, she was helped up by the care-line people, though I got there first) but she was very upset - she doesn't want to be alive any more, doesn't want me to have to handle all this and so on; I have a feeling she is drinking too much wine in DF's absence. I can see the temptation.

Nodancingshoes - sounds like you end up being a human coatstand/pack horse like I do

@Ieatmarmite That sounds like the day from hell. Sending virtual wine and chocolate...
3 appointments done and dusted. Shes seen the dentist and needs a tooth out. Lots of moaning about the money but I always ignore that - she can well afford it. Steroid injections done in her knees and diabetic check on eyes done. Just the MRI scan on Bank holiday Monday to go..She prefers me to go with her cos I will actually go in with her whilst my sister just drops her off. I've obviously missed a trick there Lol.
She speaks to her sister every day on the phone and she moans about us and her sister moans about her 3 children. It seems to make them happy... ;)

When it came to practical things around the house she was artistic director and my father did the hard labour. She never did anything with finances at all other than balance her check book and that was her lot!

She has ruffled my feathers yet I am feeling so guilty. Our son and daughter in law are coming home for a few days and with mum having had both her jabs I am relaxed about them visiting and have said that I will cancel the carers for an evening when they come for dinner. But I am wrong on so many levels!

a) her friend told her on the phone on Thursday that all the regulations about visiting have been removed. Her friend must be right and I must be wrong even when I read out the up to date guidelines.

b) I can cancel the carers when DS comes for dinner but she really needs me to cancel them the next morning so she can have a rest. I said that cuts into the time I have for studying because I have to help her to get up and apparently that is ridiculous because she is more than capable of getting herself up and sorted in the morning. This from a woman who asks me to help her change her knickers most days yet she is able to get herself dressed in the mornings before the carers come. Yet if I am there she needs me to do it all!

I have always said that I would not be happy to do personal care for anyone. I honestly feel that she uses the whole "help me with my knickers" thing to control me. If she can make me do that then she has scored a point. Am I being ridiculous? I don't know if she has the capacity to do that but that is how I feel.

c) Last night I left her with the tv as always. Half an hour later I get a phone call saying she can't turn off the tv. I had to go back to her and found her sitting on the bed with the electric blanket on its highest heat and the control for that in her hand while she shouted that there is no red button to turn off the tv! The remote was on the floor so I had to help her into bed and find it and turn off the tv.

Did our mother's never learn the skills needed to become functioning adults?
My mother didn’t have a mother or childhood really, lost her mother at 9. My father was brought up mainly by relatives because his parents were too busy to care for him but they indulged him to the nth degree, so I guess it’s hardly surprising my childhood wasn’t great either as no role models there.
Still doesn’t explain why I never did anything right though....
Hey ho! Onwards and upwards I guess!

@MereDintofPandiculation I'm going to find a copy of that cartoon, have it framed up and put on the wall in my kitchen. I might even have it stuck up in my car somewhere for when the going gets especially tough, lol.

Well I escaped...not before mum admitted that she was partly upset because she felt guilty for keeping me away from DD and thanked me for everything I was doing .

She's very bright and capable on a practical level but emotionally has no resilience whatsoever and can't bear being alone.

I said to her this morning that she needs to try and make plans to help herself and I was happy to support her with that.

The thing is, as she said, she has no hobbies or interests...she likes a pub quiz but that's about it.

I've invited her round to us for lunch on Sunday and suggested we go out for a bit on Tuesday...baby steps.

Oh Minty, I feel for you. Looking from afar I'd say that your daughter needs time with you, and you need time with you. I hope you both get what you need and deserve today.

Did our mother's never learn the skills needed to become functioning adults? My mother never seems to have learnt (learned?) skills like emotional regulation, resiliance etc. But it's like anything in her life, if it's too difficult then someone else can go to the trouble of learning it and do it for her - so she has never learnt to drive, can't use even a basic tv remote (though she managed fine when step-dad was in hospital), can't use her phone, can't use the microwave, calls for help when she wants her cd player on, can't read a bank statement, can't use an ATM or self-service check out. But then why should she, there have always been others who felt sorry enough for her to do it for her. I do wonder sometimes if she has got some kind of SEN - although I did notice when I was checking through her bank statement last week that she was quick enough to notice a maths error that meant her account looked a couple of hundred pounds short and wanted to know what I'd done with the money. Most of the time she claims not to know how to work out the balance, but she seemed pretty on the ball that time.

Hoping all in the cafe are having a good day - or at least a better day than yesterday.

I've got a million and one thing to do at home, was hoping to spend some time with DD who has an inset day today and I have mum in hysterical sobbing mode...

Oh Marmite those days really suck don't they?

I could feel my blood pressure rising just reading that...hope you manage to get a break today.