The Cockroach cafe -new look for spring 2021

For those that are worried about me, I am better now. The last phone call was nearly two hours ago so I think she's eaten her tea and settled in front of the tv. She's got to make her decisions, whether it's more care hours in the early evening to offer reassurance or whether she wants to try a week respite care. We talked about this before lunch, she was absolutely on the ball then but in the late afternoon she transforms into this upset angry woman who I don't recognise. If you want to stay in your own home then part of that is that you will be spending a lot of time alone. Morning-mum is fine with that but afternoon-mum is a raging ball of fury about having been abandoned.

Part of the issue is that I've had two weeks off caring. I've been to the hospital every day but I haven't had dozens of phone calls in the day and everything was out of my control. I didn't realise how my life revolved around anticipating mum's needs until I stopped doing it.

Oh knot, sending hugs, and to everyone else too, and thanks for the sense check. I’m smiling at the thought of sharing a huge podium with all of you in the same situation. Long may the smile stay! Although I look a bit scary like Wednesday Adams when I smile.....(a very slightly older version
Take care of yourselves x (very unmumsnetty)

Knot Sorry you are in tears. This is absolutely the hardest time. I would be tempted to see if there is an emergency out of hours voicemail for either service that you call in your upset state and leave a message. Tears can help convey that you have reached the end of your tether.

Oh Knot (((hugs)))

I hope you get through the weekend okay and that you manage to source some help as quickly as possible on Monday.

My mum really struggles with the evenings and being on her own at that time of day, however she is reasonably compos mentis but will do the square root of precisely fuck all to help herself which is what drives me nuts. It's not been a great week on that front and she told me earlier she's going to speak to 'them' about having dad home again.

Anyhoo...

@BaronessSchrader that sounds exactly like the kind of manipulative BS my mum pulls on me. I am so over it at the moment it's unreal.

Happy Saturday...Cockroach one and all!

Baroness my DSis and I had to replace the vinyl flooring twice and ultimately the floorboards in my DF’s en-suite. We had a few heated exchanges, a few gentle discussions, appointed a cleaner, but ultimately the genie was out of the bottle and nothing worked

Oh knot I am so sorry you are going through this. No experience of this, but I wonder if hospital discharge team might give you a more urgent response? Or adult social services?
It must be horrible to go through. Mil was the same, phoning as soon as dh had left asking when he was arriving….. so distressing.
Sounds like she needs a lot of regular care. I’m so sorry.

Sorry Baroness but there's a lot of competition for world's worst daughter, you'll have to stand on the podium with the rest of us.

I have asked my son to sit to pee because the toilet is placed next to the shower screen in the newly remodelled bathroom. I had no idea that this would be an issue as I don't generate spray when I pee. There's no mystery about it, the only way there can be urine splatter across the shower screen is if it's him.

It was a three and a half hour stint today and two hours after I left she can't remember that I've been. When am I coming? When I am I coming to take her away? Part of me thinks that if I'm going to get a roasting for not going then I might as well not go and let the care agency do it. I don't know what to do, I can't go on like this but I don't know what to do to make things better. I don't know what mum really wants (other than wanting all me, all of the time) and I don't even know if she has the capacity to make a decision seeing as she wouldn't remember it two hours later. This fall and the hospital stay have made her so much more confused and she's angry and upset from about 4pm. I'm going to have to change the dial tone on the phone because I'm starting to feel sick when it rings (and rings and rings).

I think I'm going to have to call for professional help on Monday, does anyone know whether I start with the memory service (because dementia) or the hospital social work team (who are dealing with her post discharge). I don't suppose it matters where I start, someone will point me in the right direction once I've stopped crying.

Do not apologise baroness folk here understand it’s these incidents and expectations that floor us.
My only advice is to casually suggest it might be worth upping the cleaners hours?
And maybe be clear I will make sure you are cared for?( subtext not by ME) make no promises.

Sorry if I sound like a moany PITA, I’m actually quite upset, even more so because my sibling is not expected to do the same.

My parents have been staying with me and I’ve realised that mum cleans up for dad, far more than she ever inferred, as he misses when he goes to the loo. She is hardly physically able to do this. When I realised she showed me her cleaning prowess (compared to my average efforts) by declaring the bathroom floor had now had a good clean (I’m very fortunate to have two bathrooms so they have one to themselves) and she announced that when you love someone you will do anything to care for them. The underlying message of course being that I am the worlds worst daughter if I don’t promise to do all the caring if and when it became necessary. Nothing I’ve done has been good enough, and I’m meant to be taking them on holiday soon. Will take lots of gin.
PS she has a cleaner, she agreed a couple of years back and I can arrange for more hours for her, but she doesn’t want anyone knowing she has to clean for him, it would be embarrassing for him.
Not sure what, if anything, I can suggest- any advice?
Hope you are all having a restful weekend

Nodancingshoes I'm glad that he's home, hospitals aren't really restful places.

I was at mum's for five hours yesterday, she was ringing me not ten minutes after I'd left. It's going to be another massive stint today (smoke alarms? there were two but it looks like they've been mysteriously thrown away) but I'm hoping that the never ending calls from social workers/care agencies/fall alarm may slacken off now.

@Nodancingshoes hope your son is recovering and you are not being pulled in all directions at once.

I took mum to the GP yesterday for a general once over. She hasn't seen or spoken to a GP since coming out of hospital two years ago. Her blood results are all excellent - not excellent for her age but really healthy. Her blood pressure is perfect. The only weight they have for her is from 8 years ago and she is lighter than she was then but she is healthy.

I tried to bring up the confusion and the midnight phone calls when she thinks it's morning and has got up and dressed but the doc didn't seem concerned. But mum has come home happy as anything because she doesn't have anything wrong!

Minty have you checked whether the LPA can be witnessed over a video call? We have just updated our wills and the law has been updated to allow video witnessing due to Covid. Still a faff to set up the call, get your dad to sign, then get the paper copy to whoever was watching on the call mind you.

That’s really good to hear. Hope you take a break from your nan too.

@IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere @thesandwich thank you - he is fine but very sore and tired. Luckily it was discovered during surgery that things were not as serious as they feared so after a day on the ward, we were able to come home for recovery. That was a relief xx

How is your ds shoes?

@Nodancingshoes Sorry about your son. How is he today? Are you able to stay in the hospital with him? You really are stuck in the middle.

Mum wasn't too bothered as all of their current/savings accounts are either in both names, ISAs or accessible via online banking, but in terms of changing stuff like this it turns out we're scuppered.

And mum is nothing if not astute when it comes to money!

@Knotaknitter Glad she is home and hope you get everything sorted soon. My nan NEVER misses a trick with her money matters, down to the last £1 she spends but cant understand a simple doctors letter...
My youngest DS was rushed into hospital yesterday for an emergency op so I'm relieved of nan duties for a few days and my sister has taken over. Dont know which one is worse- both moan alot and are very demanding!!

Minty I'd register the LPA, she might get to use it, she might not but this is clearly the situation it was meant for and you've put the work into it so might as well get the benefit.

Mum is more confused than normal, the whole "where's dad?", "oh, do I have a downstairs toilet?" and yet she opened her bank statement, understood what it was and made insightful comments on some of the contents. For months it's been a mystery and she read the numbers as phone numbers with no attempt at hundreds and tens. I have absolutely no understanding of what she's capable of on any given day.

minty could anyone witness it through a window? Or by zoom?

Oh bloody hell knot what a pain.

I don't like to speak I'll of the medical profession but I do wonder wtf some of them are on. When dad went in for respite last year he had a temp registration with a different surgery and we were never able to get him back on the online prescription system at ours when he came home.

Last week mum had a recurrence of the water infection she had three weeks ago and the GP prescribed her the same ABs as she'd had a reaction to then and had to get changed.

God only knows how it will pan out if they ever start actually seeing patients in the flesh on a regular basis again.

We're having fun and games as mum has discovered that dad can get a tax rebate on his work pension due to now being certified partially sighted. Unfortunately the powers that be will only enact it via mum if she has POA. It was signed and sealed last year just before his 'diagnosis', but what with Covid and thinking he'd only be with us for a matter of weeks it was never registered.

She did the whole thing online again at the weekend and printed it for our visit to Dad on Monday. He got quite agitated trying to understand it all but did well practising his signature, however no-one who works at the home is allowed to witness it, we can't witness it and we can't bring anyone else in to witness it...