The Cockroach cafe -new look for spring 2021

You are allowed to drop a mask for lipreading, it's one of the exemptions. I looked it up while mum was in hospital with one hearing aid broken and the other missing.

Did he tell you the one about VAT on Jaffa cakes? That one isn't ancient, the VAT was different depending on whether it was judged to be a cake or a biscuit. The arguement was made that stale biscuits soften and stale cakes go hard so a Jaffa cake should be considered a cake rather than a biscuit.

Onwardsandupwards your sibling is doing nothing because they don't need to, why should they when you have got it covered. Think about what would need to happen if you were in hospital fo six weeks and then start doing that. If you're cleaning, sort them out with a cleaner. Whatever it is that you are doing (as well as spending over three hours in the car) someone can be paid to do. Your line is "I just can't do this any more, in future I will be coming up once a month and I want to be fun daughter and go out for lunch (add whatever your mum considers to be a fun time). The other three weeks you can see her on Zoom or Facebook or whatever for a chat and a catch up.

If you list out all the things that you are doing then that's a start.

@Onwardsandupwardswego
Morning. Someone wiser will be along soon, I’m relatively new here and on a learning curve, you’ll get some good advice and it’s a safe and welcoming place to be when you’ve had enough and just don’t know what to do. Look after yourself.

Hi I would like to join. I too feel very manipulated into doing everything for my mum. My sibling does nothing. I go every weekend. 200 mile round trip. It's exhausting.

Yes dint but there are degrees........

She can't remember having any fun so I shouldn't have the opportunity to have any? Bugger that.

Precisely.

Your mum sounds like mine, except she has never being interested in travelling or anything else much so can't understand why I would not be happy to be living back with her and enjoying 5 hours of Challenge TV even evening by way of a social life.

knot amazing how selective the elderlies memory can be. Dm can seem to have blocked some recent memories of being taken out if it suits her beliefs. With no dementia.
Hold your nerve and good luck unravelling everything. Sounds like a very full day if not weeks work. Wishing you strength and hope you get what you need.
The fire brigade came and did safely checks in dms close after one bid set fire to her kitchen. And they fitted alarms. Had to travel in twos to prevent being preyed upon by all the very elderly widows..... nice young men in uniform.........

Respite care is looking to be a popular option all round, that's my job for tomorrow (also call social services, get the car serviced, ring the fracture clinic, ring the optician and hearing aid place, sort out some smoke alarms).

I don't think she would be as random if I was there, she'd get the reassurance and direction she needs to not go off on one. After I've left she forgets I've been and switches to the "poor me, all alone, I never speak to a soul" scenario. Today I was spelling out in small words why she would not be moving in with me and I said it was my turn to do all the things she did she sighed and said that she never got to do anything at all because there was no money. This is a total load of tosh, in the early days of their marriage they had very little cash but when dad retired they were on decent money and they were never in the house. Mini breaks here there and everywhere, day trips, tours, I've had more than one call to say that they'd seen a last minute deal and were off for a six week winter holiday the next day, could I water the plants? She can't remember having any fun so I shouldn't have the opportunity to have any? Bugger that.

I have a plan, I'm going to call social services and ask for an assessment and help. Wish me luck.

Logically I know you and DH are both right Mum5net I just feel so tied to stay near out of obligation. And I resent it, so it makes no sense.

I've been trying to research my family tree recently, and I have just had possibly the best visit ever with DM when I was able to head off the usual monologs by asking her some specific questions about her family and my dad's. Some of the answers were muddled, but at least it gave us a relatively safe subject to talk about.

DH and I have just had 'the' row about moving house. We have this same row depressingly frequently, with the same script each time. He wants us to move away, as do I. However as I can't move so far away that caring for DM becomes something that also entails a long drive, it isn't practical. He then says why can't your DB step up, etc, etc.
@notaflyingmonkey This might strike a chord with you.
My DSis is moving 80 miles away from my DM next month as it is the right decision for her. She has stayed near for the last 15 years to assist my parents playing by my parents’ rules and dancing to their tune. Now, only just my DM who is in a care home, but DM could live another ten years. Absolutely let your DB take up the baton and prioritise your own life. Ultimately a switch flicked in my DSis head when she rationalised that DM would do whatever DM wanted in the same situation.

Although as we all know, sometimes the first one feels about right!!!

Honestly I read it about 3 times before I realised that might not have been what you meant!

Oh my goodness, what a typo in my post.

... how much you're dying until it stops should have been ... how much you're doing until it stops

Although as we all know, sometimes the first one feels about right!!!

I don't even know if she has the capacity to make a decision seeing as she wouldn't remember it two hours later

My dad is much the same but is still considered to have capacity or was when the practice nurse last saw him a couple of weeks before he went into the home .

@Knotaknitter how are you feeling this morning?

I don't even know if she has the capacity to make a decision seeing as she wouldn't remember it two hours later

Knot this comment jumped out at me. This is precisely the reason I have been given by dad's care home for their view that dad does not have capacity to make important decisions about his care. He can say what he wants, some of the time, but he doesn't retain the information and doesn't have any understanding of the implications for anyone else.

I also recognise what you say about not realising how much you're dying until it stops. This does sound like the time to press for an increase in care, for the benefit of your sanity and also because it's in your mums best interests even if she doesn't have the capacity to realise it.

Evening all from the worst daughter's bench. I have gin and crisps, and can budge up to accommodate any newcomers to my bench, there's always plenty of space!

DH and I have just had 'the' row about moving house. We have this same row depressingly frequently, with the same script each time. He wants us to move away, as do I. However as I can't move so far away that caring for DM becomes something that also entails a long drive, it isn't practical. He then says why can't your DB step up, etc, etc.

Another one who is suggesting the link between dementia and sun-downing.

Also can you suggest cleaners/carers come in earlier, and earlier? Then one day they say they can’t manage the usual three hours, but can do two one-and-a-half hour visits! And gradually spread extra visits out? You have to be very subtle/sneaky with aged parents🙁.

@Mum5net oh dear, thanks for the warning I think! This genie has totally escaped

Just read your update @Knot, that's good to hear. It sounds like she needs more care late in the day. It definitely sounds like sundowning to me too.

@Knot you have my deepest sympathy, DM was like this when she came home from hospital last year. I still flinch when the phone rings, she only calls a few times a day now and her Alzheimers meds seem to have kicked in.
Your DM is entitled to free aftercare on discharge from hospital for up to 6 weeks, if the SW did not arrange it then you need to contact adult social services I believe. There is a crisis helpline if you believe your DM is a danger to herself. You honestly have to get a care package set up, you can't carry on like this. Sending a hug, I know what you are going through.

knot glad you are feeling a bit better now- v interesting insight re having had a break from that state of alert re phone calls.
I’m sure you’ve come across the idea of “sundowning” with dementia where people become much more aggressive/ agitated in the afternoons/ evenings?
Hope you can find some trash tv to escape into. I always find monty so soothing.🌺🌺