The Cockroach cafe -new look for spring 2021

Yeah I can understand it too. It also sounds like she had some hallucinations later in the evening although could have been lucid dreams...it's happened a few times over several years so not too concerned atm.

She wasn't great when I went round this morning but nowhere near as bad as I expected...then she got onto talking about the f*ing carer again.

It's like banging my head against a brick wall. Have given up trying to explain why their 'relationship' is all kinds of inappropriate and bonkers and just asked her to please respect the fact I do not want to discuss him.

Does she hell?

The price of not picking up the phone is an escalation and a full scale meltdown because obviously I've died and then what would become of her?

That was the issue with mine last night..."I don't know where any of you are..."

She knew exactly where I was, and that DD would therefore be at home. But the fact she couldn't get hold of any of us instantly (friend's phone was out of battery, DD just didn't answer and I'd blocked her mobile number - oops! But she never uses it normally) sent here into apoplexy.

It's just exhausting.

It sounds like we're all struggling in much the same kind of place with unreasonable demands and overwhelming responsibility atm.

I had an OK day yesterday in the end...best mate came over for a couple of hours and I went back to hers in the evening for wine, takeaway and karaoke!

Had a hysterical call from mum at 10.30pm...her lifeline buzzer stopped working yesterday and they can't get anyone out until Monday. She had tried calling me, my friend and DD and none of us had answered initially so she completely freaked out. Nothing wrong just wanted to check she could get hold of us. I'm going to have to go round and placate her in a minute but the thought stresses me out so much.

I think going back to work will definitely be a good thing, but I feel so fragile mentally atm I'm a bit worried about how it'll pan out. I woke up yesterday and this morning and a feeling of intense fear washed over me and stuck. Have spoken to GP and local NHS counselling service who said they thought my needs were too complex for them. Have doubled my ADs for a couple of months now (was only on a tiny dose previously) and was hoping that and self care would do the trick, but even if get time for the latter I never get the mental space from everything.

Potentially going to have issues with XH/DD over the next few months as well.

Tbh I actually googled private mental health hospitals to see how much an inpatient stay would cost after yesterday morning. It's literally the only way I can think I'd be able to get the downtime to sort my head out. Mum refuses point blank to consider going anywhere for respite.

In the end settled for checking out local carer support services so will give them a call on Monday.

Right, once more into the breach...wish me luck.

Cockroach all!

I'm looking back now and seeing just how little life I've had over the past couple of years, I have lived my life in the spaces that weren't taken up by mum's life.
Oh knot I know exactly what you mean, living in the gaps. And not please get some treats in.
knot GET IN THE CAR TO VISIT YOUR DS. GO. put something back in your tank.
Wardrobes can wait.

I've passed up a couple of volunteering opportunities that would have given me some social interaction that I badly need. It is just not been realistic when I know that the phone could be going every ten minutes. The price of not picking up the phone is an escalation and a full scale meltdown because obviously I've died and then what would become of her? I'm looking back now and seeing just how little life I've had over the past couple of years, I have lived my life in the spaces that weren't taken up by mum's life.

She's not dead, she's back in residential care. I am fighting the urge to visit every day (it is allowed) so as not to raise expectations. It's not sunk in yet that I could just hop in the car and go visit my son at his uni or go for a walk without having my eye on the clock or even spend an entire day clearing out wardrobes. The latter doesn't sound all that appealing but if she stays where she is I'll have it to do at her house.

Onwardsandupwards people expect you to screw up your own life and future to look after parents I was talking this week to someone who lives at a distance from her mother, if she were mine I'd live even further away because I find her really difficult even for ten minutes. One of her colleagues told her she should sell up and move to be nearer her mother. She's widowed, ten years off retirement with an adult son at home so that means leaving her job, her friends, making her son homeless and at 57 trying to start over somewhere else. If we gloss over how she moves with no income and assume she manages to find a job that fits in with her mother's care needs then what happens if her mum dies in the night? There she is, having given up everything in her life and for what? I suggested a form of words for her to give to the colleague with opinions but even though it's unreasonable there's still the guilt and shame that you aren't considering throwing your life away to shore up someone else's poor decision making. You are no doubt wondering why her mother couldn't move but no, she likes her house and won't consider it. (I think there is an element of "show me how much you love me, show me that I am more important to you than your job/son/house/friends" but that's because she's done it with me in the past)

I've booked next week off work as I feel so tired. I have already booked a carpet cleaner for Monday to try and get the shit stains out of her carpets, and a chimney sweep for Tuesday to sort the soot that keeps falling down (I suspect a trapped bird). What fun.

I mourn the stuff I used to do on annual leave! So I am going to try and limit the DM stuff days to the start of the week, and plan some me stuff for the other days.

God it's so hard. I am 50 and whilst I have a long term partner we don't share finances. People expect you to screw up your own life and future to look after parents in their last few years. I feel constantly under so much pressure.

Minty, you need to go for that job interview on Tuesday. You given up a lot to help her and your father out so its time you got your life back. A new job would let you meet people, boost your income and it gets you off be always available for your mother.
Am I right in thinking that your last employer was not easy to deal with when your parents needed minding/care and this was why you took time off work?
Your right not to do anything about L until after your mother's heart procedure.
I got a call from my friend I mentioned here a few days ago. She's planning to be not available 24/7 for her mother whose health has got worse.

Well she heard of a PT job in a company that been interested in working for and has applied for the job.

baroness you deserve a 🥇🥇🥇🏆🏆.
My dms lovely neighbours looked a little surprised when I told them I was going away and they asked if I was taking dm…. I hope I managed to conceal some of the horror I felt……

Hello all, hope you are having some me time tonight. Well I survived a week away with the parentals. It was a disaster but I’m still smiling (manically) although it may be due to the gin after being abstemious for the week....I think I could do anything now, the Baroness is invincible, until she has a headache tomorrow..... think two gins are enough as I have to drive them home tomorrow. More fun!!!

Hello all. Just back from a few days away…. Yes dint postcard was sent but may not have landed yet😂😂.
The lifting of the burden felt so liberating. Please, fellow cafe regulars, do whatever you can to have a break( looking at you knot ) plus everyone else.
nota sounds gruelling.And knot can you find any time for you?
minty echo others- working might be good for you in so many ways.
Or you could tell dm you were working when not? Sorry DF isn’t doing well.

Minty best of luck with the interview. It's clear that whatever you do for your mum it won't be enough because she's firmly dug into the martyr role. If you are back at work you have different people to talk to, a different perspective on life and your available time will be limited. You will also have some financial independence. Does the job involve a 200 mile move?

Is she looking at future housing options yet? Something with a built in social element would mean that she wouldn't need you quite so much.

My standards for a good week are that no-one died, I didn't have to call an ambulance or dispose of a body under the patio. It's been a good week then.

One of my biggest bug bears has been acquaintances/colleagues telling me 'just get more carers in' if only it was that simple to cater for mum's intense emotional needs.

Was round there from 10.30 - 1.30 yesterday (supposed to be visiting dad but mum got time wrong), then back at 5.30 with DD, took us all put for dinner, stayed over. Up at 6.30 this morning and felt awful...haven't been great for a couple of weeks but not sure if it's more physical or mental health issues, although suspect primarily the latter.

There was also a fairly mind blowing revelation about L the carer situation yesterday, which I've discussed with her best friend who she'd also confided in. We've decided it's best not to do anything about it with her heart procedure pending but to say it threw me through a loop is a massive understatement. I really feel o need to step away for a period of time.

Told her I was going home to do the school run and I wouldn't be back as lots to do and feeling unwell so wanted to try and get GP appt. Got the tragic face 'I won't see you until Sunday...' (she has a friend going round for a takeaway tonight) and the parting shot 'I suppose you won't be bothering with dad later then...'

Haven't managed to get GP appt ('you are number 16 in the queue') and waiting for best mate to call me back for a bit of moral support.

Have also just had a email offering me a job interview next Tuesday! Not sure how I'm going to get my head around it,but it's a good move and I think going back to work sooner rather than later would be optimal for my mental health.

Quite Dint. I keep having to remind people that I do actually work, let alone having other responsibilities in my life.

I'm still having to go to DM's every morning before work to put ointment on her wound. Left her yesterday at 9am, meals on wheels phoned at noon to say when they dropped her lunch she was worried about her chimney which needs sweeping, and she had soiled her hall carpet having not made it to the toilet on time. It's exhausting.

@Ieatmarmite

Sounds exactly like the sort of stunt my mum would pull.

My stock reply is "Well you don't need it right now so make yourself a nice milky coffee, watch you favourite quiz show and I'll be round to deal with it tomorrow".

Paula told me she had people tell her mother why isn't Paula letting you live with her? Paula then had to deal with her mother being upset and wanting to go home.

Yep, I get a lot of that kind of thing "...and so and so said Minty can help you with that..." grrr!

Last two visits to dad haven't been great. First one he was alert but completely on another planet, second one he really wasn't with it and seemed to be having some kind of muscle spasms/tick that made it look as though he had Parkinsons.

I've ended up still having to go with mum which is incredibly frustrating as all she does is fuss and mither and I can't get a word in edgeways.

She's had another meltdown about L which she wouldn't go into detail about on the phone last night so have the fallout from that to deal with today as well as a tandem dad visit.

On the upside, the home have acknowledged his end of life status and we now have our own designated daily visiting slot. When offered it mum asked me 'is that good for us?' I told her she needed to decide if it was good for her as I wouldn't be visiting daily.

She's now had her heart procedure rescheduled for three weeks time so that'll be more fun and games .

Leatmarmite if your mother was a master manipulator then you wouldn't have noticed what she was doing. If you can see the strings being pulled then you are more wary for next time. What she has just proved to herself is that she has the leverage to make you visit at a time of her choosing and she managed that by putting a wedge between you and your sister. The new house rule maybe needs to be "there are no secrets between me and sis".

Am I being uncharitable to say that my mother is the mistress of manipulation? I haven't been feeling too well so didn't go to see her on my usual visiting days. She phoned me in tears last night because she hasnt seen me for "nearly a week". Bear in mind that she lives in a house with my sister & adult children so she's not alone.

Tonight I'd just got home from work when she phoned me again in tears to say she was in a state because she'd lost her bank card & had looked everywhere for it - she'd emptied her bag & purse but couldn't find it. I knew I'd put it in her purse last week after getting cash from ATM & she hadn't been out since so there was no reason for it to not be still there.

Told her to ask DSis to help her look but she refused saying DSis would shout at her & that I wasn't to mention it to DSis.

So I go round to DSis house only to find out DM had told DSis about it an hour before she called me. DSis said to me - "I think she's called you because you've not been to see her & this is a way of making you come round" . I asked DM if I could look in her purse and the first thing I pull out is.....yes, her bank card. There's no way she couldn't have seen it.

They refuse to have any extra help. Then other family members who could help do as little as possible and are quite happy leaving it all to X. X is normally a woman.
I have a friend at the moment who has realised that her mother health is declining and she can see the rest of her family will expect her to mind her mother. Her mother did very little to help my friend out with various things despite being in a position to help her. My friend is currently working on a plan that will ensure she not available for 24/7 care. She told me let my siblings look after her or sort out care. She helped them out plenty of times and sorted out money ect for them, meanwhile I was left to manage on dhss payment.

Binary, you did the right thing with your mother. I know it was not always easy to set things up as they are now for her. At one stage I was friendly with a single woman in her 50s (Paula) who's mother had altizimers. Her mother needed to be put into a nursing home. Paula told me she had people tell her mother why isn't Paula letting you live with her? Paula then had to deal with her mother being upset and wanting to go home.
Paula had a job with a mortgage and bills to pay so was she ment to put her life on hold for years, lose her house and end up with with a smaller pension to keep her mother living with her.
I have seen several people ending up living with and dealing with elderly parents. The elderly parents expect them to move in, mind them and do everything thing