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Elderly parents
Original poster

The Cockroach cafe -new look for spring 2021

982 replies

MereDintofPandiculation · 23/03/2021 11:09

Morning all! regulars or newbies, coping with your oldies is a frustrating, exhausting and difficult business however much we love them. The Cockroach Cafe is open to all, with a refurbishment to celebrate the coming of Spring, a place to vent, rant, ask questions, get advice, and hopefully laugh too.

If your question is big, it's best to start a new thread, and get all the advice together in one place. But for everything else, the cafe is the right place.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So cockroach mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

OP posts:
Onwardsandupwardswego · 23/05/2021 21:19

So sorry minty. Xxx

exexpat · 23/05/2021 20:57

Sorry to hear about your dad, Minty.

I hope your DD is OK for her exams tomorrow - exam-year teenagers have all had such a bad year, I hope the school will be sympathetic if she has issues.

MintyCedric · 23/05/2021 18:19

Thanks all.

Went home for a bath and a sandwich and now back at mums with DD. She's going home later as she has exams tomorrow and bestie is going to stay over with her.

XH has also been brilliant - really kind and helpful to both me and mum which considering they frequently couldn't stand each other when we were married is quite a big deal!

Mum messaged 'L' and he called about half an hour ago. I imagine she will want him at the funeral which I suppose is understandable, so long as he keeps his distance from me.

Have found checklists online and the 'Tell us once' website, thanks nota.

notaflyingmonkey · 23/05/2021 17:04

So sorry for your loss Minty. At least he was able to pass in dignity, and had been made comfortable in the home. I hope that once the shock has passed you are able to get some peace.

I seem to remember when my dad died that I was given a booklet that was a to do list of everything that needs to happen. When DB died a few years ago I was directed to a web site when you put in the details and it automatically notifies everyone what needs to know.

faw2009 · 23/05/2021 15:26

Hi Minty, lurker here. Truly sorry for your loss, you are an incredible daughter, as are many on here.

My dad also died in a nursing home, month to the day actually. What happened with us is that the nursing home asked the GP to come round and check. He electronically notified the local registry. Then we called the registry to register to book an appointment by phone. I think we needed to send some docs by email. Anyhow there is a long interview and then they issue the death certificate (ask for extra copies to deal with admin).

Wishing you well.

CockroachCluster · 23/05/2021 12:06

I'm really sorry about the loss of your dad Minty, you obviously loved him so much and went above and beyond to do what was best for him.

I'm only an inexperienced lurker here (so far) but I think you seem a lovely person and I have felt so sorry for you in your situation. I'm glad you have your friend on call for support Flowers Flowers

Knotaknitter · 23/05/2021 11:56

Minty your expert on what/when/how to do things is your funeral director. This is their job, they are always there even on a Sunday.

thesandwich · 23/05/2021 11:51

minty I am so sorry for your loss. You have fought for the best for him all the way.
🌺🌺🌺🌺

MintyCedric · 23/05/2021 11:15

Thanks Dint. It was the same with my nan when I was kid...5 days into recovery from a stroke, mum put me and dad on the train home, went to a friend's for lunch and when she got back 90 minutes later nan had gone.

I won't make any decision about the job until tomorrow. The earliest I could have started is 14th June as mum is due angioplasty on 7th but it seems likely that she'll have to postpone that as will probably be too soon/clash with funeral.

Original poster
MereDintofPandiculation · 23/05/2021 11:04

Minty - Oh I'm sorry. Flowers I saw yours after I replied to hairbrush.

I remember Mum at end of life. Back in the days when compassionate leave was but a dream. I drove 200 miles back home to return to work; 2 days later she died, while Dad had stepped out of the room. You do what you think is best at the time (and no-one could have done better than you). Waiting till loved ones are not there is a recognised thing.

Don't abandon the interview because you won't be available. "Asap" will usually be a month, because that's how much notice most people have to give their current employer. But you may have to cancel because you're in bits, and that's OK too.

OP posts:
MintyCedric · 23/05/2021 11:04

Possibly stupid question...I know we need to register the death before anything else can be sorted out but do we do that or the home?

Original poster
MereDintofPandiculation · 23/05/2021 10:47

On the scale of what some people have to put up with it is nothing but it just makes me feel that what I do for her is completely valueless. That's where the emotional detachment comes in. No-one worries when a cat has refused three different types of cat food including the one they demanded four helpings on yesterday. It's what cats do. No-one expects a cat to show you that you're valued.

OP posts:
MintyCedric · 23/05/2021 10:32

Thanks all...mum's distraught obviously but not as melodramic as expected. Friend has gone for now but is 'on call' whenever I need her.

DD is coming back shortly (well to mum's).

Have instructed funeral director and told all the important people.

IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere · 23/05/2021 10:19

Oh Minty I am so sorry, I'm glad you've got support when you go to your mum. xxx

Jenthefredo · 23/05/2021 09:22

@chesterelly

I'm so sorry Minty. Take comfort from knowing you got your dad as comfortable as he could be for his last days. I'm glad your friend is going with you to your mum. I don't know if now is the right time to say it but really, really brace yourself for all time high levels of everything being about her. My Dad couldn't even acknowledge that other people needed to grieve too when my mum died. I coped for about 3 days before a massive pressure valve explosion. Be kind to yourself, forgive yourself if you snap, take comfort and solace from whatever source you can.
Yes. Even now mum can't seem to acknowledge anyone else's loss. I good idea taking a friend with you xx
chesterelly · 23/05/2021 09:18

I'm so sorry Minty. Take comfort from knowing you got your dad as comfortable as he could be for his last days. I'm glad your friend is going with you to your mum. I don't know if now is the right time to say it but really, really brace yourself for all time high levels of everything being about her. My Dad couldn't even acknowledge that other people needed to grieve too when my mum died. I coped for about 3 days before a massive pressure valve explosion. Be kind to yourself, forgive yourself if you snap, take comfort and solace from whatever source you can.

Jenthefredo · 23/05/2021 09:14

@mintycedric
💐 hugs and love to you
You have been such a wonderful comfort to your dad and cared for him so unselfishly for so long
"His long night is over and there is peace at the last" x

OnthePiste · 23/05/2021 08:50

So sorry for your loss @Minty. Hoping your DM took the news as well as can be expected

Mum5net · 23/05/2021 08:33

So sorry Minty. Take comfort from the fact that your dad knew you adored him and always had his best interests at heart. Flowers

Knotaknitter · 23/05/2021 08:02

Minty I am sorry, It's been coming for a long time but that doesn't make it any easier. I'm glad that you will have bestie with you when you break it to your mum, bestie is a star but we knew that already.

MintyCedric · 23/05/2021 07:46

Don't think I'm going to be able to go for the interview on Tuesday now. They need someone to start ASAP which just won't be possible.

The other job I'm applying for us the one I'd prefer anyway...longer timescale and some wfh potential.

I also had a date lined up after the interview but think that'll have to go on the back-burner for now.

MintyCedric · 23/05/2021 07:44

@IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere it is frustrating and soul destroying but it's not you, it's them. I've found SHOUT 24/7 text service really good when it's all got a bit too much for me 85258

giveusashout.org/

Well...the call came this morning. Dad passed away in the early hours. They called mum when his breathing became laboured, who of course is deaf and didn't hear. They called me, buy I have my phone on Do Not Disturb at night for everyone except mum. I never thought to change the settings.

So he had a nurse with him, he wasn't alone, but it wasn't us. And we cancelled our visiting slot yesterday as I had something trivial on with DD and mum wasn't feeling well. We were due to go up today.

Just drinking coffee and waiting for best mate to arrive to come with me and break the news to mum.

XH has just picked up DD, gave me a hug and said the right things which was weirdly comforting considering our relationship is usually civil at best.

She has her last GCSE exams this week...luckily I'm friends on FB with her maths teacher so have been able to message him to ask if she can do hers later.

Knotaknitter · 23/05/2021 07:24

Hairbrush it's not that you aren't worth the effort of being nice to. I know it feels that way - she can be nice as pie for them so why is she nasty to me? It's because she feels safe with you, you'll be there for her whether she is nice to you or not so can let out the frustration of not being in control of her life. It's a memory from everyone's childhood, being sent to bed before we are ready to go.

Carers UK are doing some zoom meetings, care for a cuppa. There's one tomorrow afternoon if you can turn round the registration in time. Age Concern have an advice line 0800 678 1602, they may point you to some local services.

notaflyingmonkey · 23/05/2021 07:06

So sorry to hear that Hairbrush. What would happen if you stepped back so that you weren't there and let the carer deal with your DM re bed etc?

IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere · 22/05/2021 22:53

I'm looking back now and seeing just how little life I've had over the past couple of years, I have lived my life in the spaces that weren't taken up by mum's life.

That sums up the last 8 years of my life.

Tonight is a real low. She shouted at me to shut up when I said she had to go to bed. I had been telling her all day that the carer was coming - and when she arrived half an hour early than expected mum saw her coming and said "I'm not going to bed!" I got upset and said that I didn't want to come back to put her to bed and she shouted at me to shut up. Of course when the carer came in she was all sweetness and light but the carer said it was more than her job was worth not to see her into bed.

She keeps saying "I have to put myself back to bed in the middle of the night " (if she goes to the loo) but that is just a few steps from the bed to the bathroom, not from the living room, through the kitchen, along the hall.

On the scale of what some people have to put up with it is nothing but it just makes me feel that what I do for her is completely valueless.

Do you know if there is a helpline or anywhere I can call just to talk? I don't want to talk to the family all the time. It's not fair on them.

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