The Cockroach cafe -new look for spring 2021

She's always been independent from a practical pov, very much the one that wore the trousers, she just can't bear being on her own.

Oh bless you knot

I hope I'm going the right way about it.

There is a community centre down the road that hosts a couple of Cruse groups so I've messaged this morning to find out if/when they will be restarting. Her neighbour opposite popped in yesterday and said she went to them when she lost her DH a few years ago so I'm hoping that will be a winner.

I think it will also appeal to her as it won't necessarily be all women or old people!

She's joined Widows Dating online (!) and is keen to look at U3A which she and dad were planning to join when he has his fall.

I stayed Sunday night and last night, planning to go home tonight and stay tomorrow after we've met with the funeral directors.

Apparently her friends have asked if I'm staying with her full time atm . Honestly I wouldn't mind doing that for a week or so if I thought she'd be OK when I stopped,but it's much easier if she has lower expectations from the get go!

Minty Please don't be me. When dad died very suddenly I supported mum, I gave up my job because she needed me so much. If I could turn back time I would do things very differently. I would be much less available except for taking her to social things that she could eventually take herself to. My dad had done everything for her for years so it was easiest for her to have me slip into that role rather than do things for herself. The support she needed was not the support she wanted though, every time I would suggest this group or that group she'd pull a face and say that I was enough company for her. At the time I never thought where that was leading.

Thanks @Ilady and @IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere

No the timing isn't right and I realised about half an hour before I got the email that it would actually be a relief if I didn't get the job. In another time it would have ideal for me (largely solo working, doing creative stuff in a huge office to myself!) but it's not right.

I haven't put in an application for the other job, which closes tomorrow and I'm not sure I will.

I think I need this next few months to gather myself back together again, support mum and spend time with DD.

I have a job to go back to, with largely supportive colleagues who know me and what I've been through. I think going back into a familiar and safe environment, whilst working on my other skills, (and my book!) is going to be the best thing for me.

Hello Minty, I have not been here over the past few days. I was sorry to hear that your dad passed away. I have to say that you did so much for him at home and faught hard for him to get the end of life care he deserved. May he rest in peace.
I hope you can spend some time today - Wed with DD.
My feeling is that your mother might become very clingy once it hits her that your father has died. I know she wants L at the funeral. Tell your friend that he may be their so she can keep an eye on everything for you.
I read that you did not get the job. From what you told us the other job you know is coming up would suit you better job wise and time wise.

Sorry you didn't get the job Minty but the timing isn't great for you right now is it. Hope your daughter is ok and she can take a breather tomorrow when she has her day at home.

Has anyone here read "The Selfish Pig's Guide to Caring" by Hugh Marriott? It has been on my Kindle for 5 years but I haven't read it yet. Partly I think because if I have time to read I would rather use it for something that takes me away from caring! But I think it might help me to get my mind in gear.

Even though I have finished my course until October I want to keep my two hours in the morning for me so I am planning to read it then.

Oh Christ these people make me tired. Media types who are broadly very privileged writing books about The Humble Goodness of Caring for Mum/ Living, Laughing and Loving Through the Menopause/ Starting an Organic Pig Farm in the Country with My Golden Family can just fuck off.

Minty sorry you didn't get the job, but you will get something good later on, I'm sure. I'm not surprised you have a bad stomach - stress really affects the poor old digestion. I eventually cut out wheat and lactose and onions and suchlike irritants on advice, despite being very sceptical about food fads and it made a near-instant difference.

Mosse is the first to admit she has been exceptionally lucky on several fronts. She wrote a bestseller, which enabled her to buy a big enough house for an annexe. She and her husband were self-employed, so their time was flexible and they could juggle the constant rounds of medical appointments and responsibilities. She collaborated with siblings living close by. She had the financial resources to pay for private care when needed.

Yep...definitely sounds like a typical carer experience...not!

@notaflyingmonkey

Tbf it's a bit tricky to sit on a bench and talk out of your arse at the same time

I suspect that anyone who talks of 'the pleasure and privilege that leaven the heavy burden of caring' won't be wanting a space on the bad daughters' bench.

How's everyone doing?

I've had a crazy busy day with non dad related stuff so have now hit crash and burn just as I'm about to head round to mum's.

Didn't get the job...it would've been nice but I was on the fence about the timing and naturally wasn't on my A game...the feedback they gave me was fair enough.

Had a beautiful bouquet and card from my colleagues today.

Went to GP re some stomach issues I've had for a while...appears they're likely stress related...no shit!

Feeling decidedly meh atm but I guess that's to be expected.

Did anyone else see this review in the Guardian at the weekend? www.theguardian.com/books/2021/may/22/an-extra-pair-of-hands-by-kate-mosse-review-the-dignity-of-care

I will probably read the book out of interest to see what it is really like, but the review makes it sound as if it gives a rather rose-tinted view of caring for the elderly.

Think of you and your DD today. Hope the interview goes well.

minty good luck today.
And very best wishes to your dd.

In my limited experience it was a mad busy time of phone calls, letters and to do lists until the funeral. After that it was different somehow, it's right what they say about it being a time of transition.

I am glad that you are going for the interview. I was about to add "on Tuesday" but I've just worked out that it's Tuesday today.

I found it easier to be old fashioned and write to places than to phone, navigate the call handling and then spend fifteen minutes in a queue.

Thanks all for your support and lovely messages.

Today has been much tougher...the emotional impact hitting home plus having to start doing stuff.

Picked up dad's belongings from the home, spoke to FD and have arranged an appt Thursday afternoon to get that sorted. Mum's called a few places that needed notifying and sorted out some clothes for the undertaker.

School were great but DD has struggled a bit. They've put her on an exams only timetable for the week so she doesn't have to go in otherwise if she doesn't feel up to it. She's planning to do tomorrow then take Weds off as no exams.

I contacted the HR bod at the place I'm going for interview tomorrow as aware they wanted someone to start ASAP. Explained situation and they were great, said they're more concerned with getting the right person and happy for me to start in a month or so. There's only one other candidate so am going to go for it.

Chap I met last week after talking online for a couple of months is coming down to meet me for lunch afterwards which will make a nice break from reality!

It all feels very surreal. Driving DD to school and looking at life going on...it's hard to comprehend that dad is no longer part of this world.

Thinking of you Minty and also your daughter. GCSEs going on here as well. It's good to hear her school are being understanding.

I definitely recommend leaning on the funeral director for advice about what needs doing. And don't feel like you have to deal with everything all at once. I hope you can find a chink of space for yourself.

I laughed in her face and said I would rather walk into the sea. She was A Bit Put Out.

Well that's given me a much needed chuckle this morning!

Minty you were brilliant for your Dad. I remember someone at the hospice where my DF died saying it's almost as if people wait to slip away when no-one's there, even when they leave the room for a few minutes.

nota I really hope you have a week of proper leave and recuperation.

knot I think the phone thing keeps people permanently stressed, it's really bad for our health. I turn my phones off, hard-faced as it may sound. I turn my landline on only to call DM and I monitor my mobile but turn it off for big chunks of the day and at night. DM has a careline for emergencies and I'm miles away - I can't be 'aways on', just can't.

When I was about 50 (I'm 57), my DM came up for a visit - she was generally OK but getting tottery, I mentioned this to a colleague of the earth-mother variety and she said wouldn't it be a great solution for me to move in with my mother. Seriously. The Spinster's Fate. I laughed in her face and said I would rather walk into the sea. She was A Bit Put Out.

@MintyCedric

At rest, at peace, at last.

xxx

@exexpat school will be fine...I work there which is helpful as they are very aware of the situation. I am friends with her Maths teacher so have managed to contact him and arranged for that to be rescheduled so she only goes in for last 2 lessons and lunch.

Informed tutors and pastoral team and she'll have a quick meeting with the wellbeing lead beforehand.