The Cockroach cafe -new look for spring 2021

I was with my mum when she died in hospital Minty, she drifted off peacefully in her sleep, she didn't look any different and I did not see her again. Lots of people told me it's good to say a final goodbye and to accept it's real etc etc but I knew I didn't need that picture in my head for ever more and I've never regretted it.

Your Dad sounds amazing, and the photo is lovely. Good luck with everything.

Had a call back from the GP surgery about 5 minutes after posting...apparently it has been done and was sent to the registrar yesterday so that's one less thing to worry about.

I'm happy to say that I've managed to forget the details of my husband's death, there was a post mortem so things were different anyway. The funeral director will know how long things are taking local to you - this is part of their expert knowledge that you are paying them for. Hopefully they will have told you to call them with any questions - this is a question that they can answer.

No wisdom to answer minty* but just thinking of you🌺

Funeral is 3 weeks tomorrow

So much for being strong for my mum...got totally the door of the viewing room and couldn't go in.

Went away and gathered myself for a couple of minutes and tried again, lasted about 15 seconds...every fibre of my being was just screaming 'that's not my dad'.

Mum found it really comforting and is planning to go again.

Does anyone know what a reasonable timescale is for a medical certificate of death to produced? First signature was the nurse who was with him and it was sent to GP surgery on Monday but still hasn't been done.

I was under the impression a death is supposed to registered in 5 days. It limits how we we proceed and what other things can be sorted and frankly is just aggro we don't need.

Minty your dad doesn't need to be there for you to still hear his voice, I hear my dad every time I go up a ladder or pick up the hedge trimmer. I know what he would say if he were there watching me and that's still with me decades after his death.

What a lovely photo.

Lovely happy picture. Holding onto those memories is good. Sending you love and support for today

Oh minty you write so beautifully about your lovely dad. Hold on to all those lovely memories.
Sending strength for today and the days to come.

Here he is...how I like to think of him 🙂

Minty I am so sorry that your special dad has gone. Your love for him shone through in your posts.

Well that's made me cry...and I'm glad my love for him shone through because he was a lovely man and an amazing father. He lost his dad when he was 2.5, was evacuated to a commune in Yorkshire with his pregnant mum and younger brother, and on their return to London, was taken into care and separated from his brothers.

He never had any role model growing up and was 37 when I was born so quite old by 1970's standards, and yet he just threw himself into it all from nappy changes and night feeds, having his afternoon nap (early starts as he was postie) with me having mine on his chest, to trips to the park and the corner shops; early morning hikes with slap up breakfasts at the end and later on the pub; getting home from a night shift and staying up to run me to the station for college instead of going straight to bed. Sharing his love of the arts, travel, food and natural history. Always encouraging me to be true to myself and have adventures wherever I could get them...

I was so very, very lucky he was mine.

We are going to be able to see him tomorrow afternoon when we go to make the arrangements. It will truly harrowing going with mum...I'm going to let it be all about her tomorrow and quietly arrange to see him on my own another time.

Minty I am so sorry that your special dad has gone. Your love for him shone through in your posts. You were obviously a fantastic daughter.

Maybe the venue can give you some guidance about numbers for the wake because it is all so confusing with the rule changes.

As many as can be accommodated with social distancing. Smallest chapel holds 75 I think...anticipating 30-40.

No rules about wakes as far as I can gather.

Do you know how many people are allowed to the service and wake under the new rules Minty?

I was just going to message/email the arrangements and say:

Whilst we understand people won't necessarily be able to commit to attending at this stage, if you are planning to it would be really helpful if you'd let us know so we can cater accordingly.

I actually went to this pub for a school reunion in 2019 and they did a decent buffet of typical sandwiches, crisps, scotch eggs, sausage rolls...that kind of thing which would be fine.

In non-Covid times and if I was in charge it would be different...not OTT but a bit more special and more 'dad', but so long as it's sorted and we don't have to do much that's okay by me.

None of the 'important' people are local and they're all fairly elderly so mum is assuming that if they turn up they'll just want to head straight off, but based on my uncle's funeral I don't think that'll be the case, and it will be a lot of the same people coming.

My other uncle hadn't organised anything afterwards which was really confusing for everyone, but we all ended up in Wetherspoona having a few beers and curry which was ctaully really lovely.

As for being solo support person...I'm off in just under an hour and won't be back until tomorrow.

Take heed of the advise offered above Minty. When my DF died I spent way too much time with DM afterwards, and she became dependent on me to do so much for her.

When my DB died we hired a room in a pub and the manager provided bar snacks which was great. I think people only really expect finger food.

For my husband I booked a function room in a local pub and had them cater. It was a total rip off but they were close to the crematorium which was important for the out of area contingent.

Mum had a really good go at kicking off a massive family fallout as she said she wasn't having "a party" and people should just go home after the service. I thought she was being unreasonable as people would have travelled a fair way and should have something to eat and the chance to catch up and tell their favourite stories about dad. She was adamant - no party. Dad's sister said she'd organise it and that started WW3, who does she think she is? etc etc. There was a bit of ranting, everyone was upset and I could have done without it (yes, I organised everything as mum was too upset, dad's siblings and I didn't count in the grief stakes). In the end I booked a buffet at a local hotel and told mum she could show her face and leave immediately if she wanted. She didn't, she stopped to the end.

It's not wasteful, it's an opportunity for people to share their stories. I'm on team Minty on this one, book somewhere away from the home so you can skip out when you've had enough.

Another stupid question...when you tell the 'important' people the funeral date/time...do you/can you ask them to provisionally RSVP so you have an idea of numbers for catering afterwards?

Mum and I have very different ideas about the wake...I think, just assume 40 odd people will rock up, book function room in local pub and crack on.

Mum doesn't want to have anything OTT or wasteful as dad always said he wanted something low key and simple. I still think he deserves a half decent send off and the funeral is a rite of passage for those left behind.

At the time my dad died one of my collegues took me aside and said I needed to be cruel to be kind, to encourage mum to build a new life of her own even though it would be hard. At that time I hadn't woken up to the fact that it wasn't my job to make everyone happy, I had no boundaries in my private life and I had "doormat" stamped all over me so really, it was only ever going to go one way.

I did read "The Selfish Pig's guide to caring", I suspect that it is closer to the experience of the majority of carers than the book reviewed above. There's also the possibility that in five years time I might look back and rabbit on about how blessed I was to have this opportunity to come back from shopping and have 11 messages on my answer machine and phone calls from 7am to 9pm. That's the way that memory works, you can be selective with it.

Agree with dint please don’t close off options.
And DONT stay every night. Her friends can move in……
For your sanity, and dd, protect yourself.
And knot 🌺🌺