The Cockroach cafe -new look for spring 2021

Minty You feel how you feel, there isn't a right way to grieve and no-one gets to tell you how you should be feeling (not even you). The funeral is a transition, it's where the spotlight comes off you and you get to start on the next chapter of your life. I'm glad that you got to have some fun time with your daughter, I managed to have lunch with my son last week and it was lovely. I didn't feel that I was neglecting mum or worry about how many messages there would be on the answering machine when I got back.

Nota I don't think that MIL doesn't get the chance to wander with patient transport, the big selling point is that they take her from her chair to the reception of where she needs to be and the return is the same. On the other hand she's not very mobile so is happy to sit and wait for someone to fetch her. She's not happy that it's not me but I can't cope any more with the stress of non existent parking. She goes to hospitals that I don't know, at least when mum goes it's "my" hospital and I know every side street without parking restrictions.

Sounds like you and your DM are both doing really well minty.

Bereavement isn't a one size fits all thing, my experience of losing my dad (long, painful, drawn out death) was very different to losing my brother (very sudden, too young). And it's not especially linear either - there will be things that knock you on your arse when you are least expecting them.

Sorry to hear so many of you are having issues juggling elderly care.

nota I can relate to the never-ready mum situation. I got round to pick mine up for the dentist yesterday 45 minutes before her appointment (25 minute journey time) and nearly passed out with shock when she was completely ready to go.

Usually she's sat at her PC and needs to get shoes and jacket on, touch up her lipstick, ensure she has everything she needs in handbag, stock up her supplies of mint humbugs, go to the loo...

We are doing bizarrely well atm, which feels very strange and a bit wrong. I think the relief that dad is not longer suffering, and no longer constantly being on tenterhooks waiting for 'the call' has had a huge impact on my mental health. On the whole I'm sleeping better than I have done probably since Dad had his fall.

Had best friend round last night and showed her some photos I'd found of my dad and her mum together at social things when they were probably about out age (we met when when we were 4yo). We both had a little cry over those and my bit of the service, which I'm hoping to read but she will step in for me if necessary. The plans are now more or less in place, just celebrant to speak to tomorrow and registration which is actually being done my an old school friend of mine, who sent me a PM today to let me know it would be them dealing with it, which is quite comforting.

Mum had a different companion come today as 'L' is on leave, and although she was nervous got on with him well. She also took herself to see Dad and to the shops afterwards. I'm really quite proud and a bit gobsmacked at how well she's coping.

DD and I had a lovely day out for prom dress shopping and lunch.

I've posted on a couple of the bereavement threads on here but the people on them seem to be utterly desolate months after the death of their loved ones and I don't really fit.

I tried hospital patient transport for DM once, and she forgot where she was etc and wandered off on her own for hours. At the point I was about to phone the police I found her at a bus stop.

Every time i take her to a hospital appointment now she points out the particular bus stop she was stood at for hours.

Her GP have done blood tests at home in the past, which I don't normally like to ask them to do as I don't want to burden them, but frankly it's just one thing too many for me to juggle at the moment.

Nota The GP can send a nurse to take blood if they need it so badly, my mother's last two blood samples were taken at home. If you tell them that it is not possible for you to do it then other possibilities might emerge. MIL gets door to hospital patient transport but she would never has asked for it while the Knitter taxi service was an option. If the family can do it then the family are expected to do it but it's not always possible.

Dint it's difficult because I'd already used up all my "talking to strangers" conversation. Although it's my mum we now have no shared past, we can't talk about things we've done because for her they've never happened. It's all polite chit chat about the weather. She doesn't know anything about my life, not how many children I have, whether I work, where I live. I'm never entirely sure whether she knows I'm her daughter. There's so little of mum left now, dementia really is the long goodbye.

DM got a letter on Saturday to say her hospital check up was Tuesday at 4pm. I had to rearrange my work diary to put in a gap of two hours to collect her, etc. I asked the carer to have her ready to go at 3.30pm. I turn up and they are sat in the garden, DM then says she needs to sit down and have a rest, brush her teeth, etc. so that didn't work terribly well. I'd allowed for school traffic though and it was half term, so we got there on time as it was.

Hospital looked at the wound and said they want to see her in three weeks. It would be so much easier if I could just send them a photo!

GP have written saying she needs another blood test. I told the carer I am consciously ignoring that letter as I just can't keep taking hours off work at a time (she had two blood tests very recently, so I know it's just a follow up rather than anything urgent).

@Knotaknitter how frustrating. It's bad enough when you are waiting on your own but at least then you can read or play on your phone but much harder when you have someone with you.

My friend is organising everything for me so I will turn up when she tells me to!

I didn't get the time wrong on the appointment by the way, it was an hour late

I am back from my four hour session involving the fracture clinic, I allowed an hour for driving fruitlessly around the car park which meant that I got a space immediately. That was one hour to kill and then a second hour when the 11am appointment was at 12. I had to tell them what she was there for as her notes didn't say, the cast on her arm that they put on six weeks ago should have been a clue. They've referred her for physiotherapy which was nice so I forgive them everything. I dropped mum at the door of the care home and she was wanting me to visit later. It was 1.30 and I'd done nothing except have a covid test and do mum-stuff but I was saved by the care assistant on door duty who suggested I probably have some jobs to do. Yes I do and the first one is drink tea and frolic on the internet.

I have a journal that listens to my endless whinging. It doesn't judge or suggest ways I could do things better and I don't have to worry about whether I am boring it. I needed to have a look back through the ones for 2016 and it was surprising how much rescuing mum needed even then.

Hairbrush that's lovely of your friends. I find myself bottling this stuff up because there is only so many times I can say this stuff to people.

I have a friend whose elderly mother was a master manipulator. She would phone her late at night to insist she was completely out of milk/bread etc, despite the fact she had a well stocked fridge/freezer. I went to visit one time - another thing she would try and do was befriend her friends to moan at them about how awful her daughter was, which didn't get very far with me - and she was saying she didn't have even a biscuit she could offer me as friend didn't provide her with such things. Friend proceeded to open the biscuit cupboard, which was of course heaving.

No hairbrush not me…. But I am so glad you have such lovely friends. Please take them up on the offer.

I don't suppose any of you ladies were in a car outside a vaccination centre yesterday? I was, with a friend, while husband had his second jab. My friend cared for both her parents for most of her adult life and is an amazing support to me. Anyway we were waiting for my husband and we overheard the woman in the car next to us having a conversation on the phone.

She was talking to her mother and getting increasingly stressed. It was the sort of conversation I have with mine on an almost daily basis about shopping and supplies. Along the lines of "I know you have 5 packets of ginger biscuits because I put them in the cupboard yesterday!" I didn't know whether to laugh or cry because it brought home to me the fact that there are so many of us in the same boat.

While we were in the car yesterday I mentioned to my friend that I really wished I could talk to a counsellor. I don't want to keep going over the same ground talking to my friends, even the ones who know what it's like. My friend phoned me last night and said she didn't feel comfortable mentioning it when we were in the car but she had previously been talking to another friend (who had also cared for elderly relatives for many years) and they had both felt I would benefit from counselling and they agreed between them that they would pay for it for me! What amazing friends!

@Knotaknitter My nan has had no follow up after her arm break. She wore a soft cast for 6 weeks which we had to take off ourselves at home. It still doesnt look right tbh and is still giving her pain.

DF is still in hospital, so at least it wasn't one of his regular in-A&E-overnight-and-out-in-the-morning things, which would be really galling if it meant he then spent another two weeks in isolation.

I think the main thing wrong with him at the moment is infection spreading from his diabetic ulcers (his feet and legs are in a pretty dreadful state at the moment), so he's been on IV antibiotics, but the vascular team monitoring his legs/feet long term haven't actually seen him yet. The Saturday of a bank holiday weekend is not a good time to be admitted to hospital, I suppose.

With every hospital admission, I wonder if this is the one he won't come out of (this is about the 7th in as many months, not including the overnight in A&E ones); a doctor told me he might not make it back out of hospital about five admissions ago, but this time even my father is starting to talk about it possibly being nearly the end of the road.

He hasn't got much appetite, peripheral circulation is poor, and has various other end-of-life sort of symptoms, but he has bounced back from so many near-death crises over nearly 20 years that I won't believe he is actually dying until I am sitting with him and hearing his breathing go into the final mode.

When my son had his leg in a cast when he was 7 we had a private physio afterwards, she was worth every penny. I've just had a call back from the social work team as a response from a crisis call three weeks ago. If it could have waited three weeks it wasn't really a crisis was it?

I really hope that social care is usually better than this because bits of it have been excellent and bits of it not fit for purpose.

knot that’s shocking. What if she didn’t have you to advocate?
Probably teaching you to suck eggs but dm had so much muscle wastage after breaking her ankle- we got a private physio to help which made a massive difference. Elderly79 friend did likewise and really helped restore movement and strength.

Sorry to hear that ex, the timing is really bad there.

Minty I hope that the viewing is something that fades into history. I was very clear on my husband's very strong thoughts on that but they had to be filtered before I passed them to the funeral director.

I rang the hospital a couple of times a day every day last week, I was reaching the stage where I thought I would have to go in and ask when they were planning on taking the cast off mum's arm. I finally got through on the phone this morning and just as well. They had no plans for any follow up despite sending her home with a cast on her dominant arm. You would think that sort of thing just couldn't happen but it looks like it can.

Sorry ex how’s he doing now?
minty thinking of you. Be kind to yourself.

@MintyCedric I am so sorry for your loss :( I saw my mum in hospital after she passed and I remember her looking very peaceful but I never went to the funeral home to see either of my parents - I prefer to remember them as they were. I suppose its different for everyone. Be kind to yourself - this is early days xxxx

Oh God ex what a nightmare!

How's everyone doing?

I can't believe how labour intensive organising a funeral is. Mum just isn't really engaging with any of it without vast amounts of gentle cajoling.

Still trying to find a venue for the wake, and she needs to decide on her flowers. I've got the Orders of Service laid out, have written my part of the service, and have started on the photo presentation.

She is spending most of her moping over Facebook or worrying about the kind of practicalities that can wait.

I guess it's a normal reaction but it just all feels so weird.

DF managed 2.5 weeks in his care home after the last hospital admission, so had just come out of self-isolation and could start having visitors, before ending up in hospital again today (chest pains). I presume that even if he is not admitted or only stays a day or two we will still be back to the start of the 2-week isolation again. Aargh.

Hope everyone is doing ok.minty thinking of you and your dd.

Yep @MereDintofPandiculation that's basically it.

There's a pub with a function room we're going to get in touch with tomorrow.