The Cockroach cafe -new look for spring 2021

I've realised that the hardest thing is coping with mum's deteriorating mental faculties. I have sympathy for the pain and the frustration from her lack of sight but when she phones me half an hour after I have left her and tells me she can't find something I left right beside her I feel so cross. On the plus side she has started on new pain meds with the option that if she can cope with them - she's not too drowsy - then they can be increased.

She had a go at me yesterday because I am free to do whatever I want and use her as an excuse not to do things. She is cross because last week my friend took DH to the vaccination centre and I went along for the ride at my friend's request so that I could have a break. She keeps on about me going off and doing whatever I want and she can't do that. She seems to have no memory of the wild trips she and dad would go on.

Hello all. How are things? minty hope the plans are going as smoothly as possible.

There's something very final about organising the funeral isn't there. When my dad died the undertaker came to the house a couple of times and we were very emotional.

I like that article from the Guardian - the two mothers. The real one is kind and generous but needy. The one in my head is always demanding, always miserable, never satisfied.

Oooh nota very useful thank you.
I like the two mothers idea. The real one and one in our head.

Wow nota that's certainly right on the money!

I particularly relate to this:

I suspect that a large part of my hurt probably stems from recognising a lot of both parents in myself, and liking the bits that are all Dad, and not liking the bits of me that are more Mum.

It all gets terribly complicated.

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2021/jun/04/how-can-i-stop-my-mothers-constant-criticism-annalisa-barbieri

This article might be of interest to those of us dealing with critical mothers. I thought this line about trying to avoid confrontation was interesting 'I understand you don’t want the explosions, but in order to contain them you have become her emotional sandbag. That’s not fair on you and will be hard to sustain in the long term.'

I got through the early days by managing to pretend that none of it was real. I was talking to someone else who imagined that her brother was away on a work trip. You do whatever you need to do to get you through the next five minutes. You have to face the loss while you are talking to the insurers/celebrant/bank/registrar and that's what makes those hard. The rest of the time you can potter about keeping your mind very firmly on Something Else.

I found when organising funerals that once the initial burst of activity was over, it all starts to get real. Talking with the celebrant etc means dwelling on feelings about the loved one, rather than crossing a task off a list.

Hopefully you can get some time out this weekend Minty to do something restful.

Thanks @BaronessSchrader today has definitely been the toughest since day 1.

Dear Minty. take care of yourself, that is such a hard thing to do.

Registered Dad's death this afternoon...medical certificate says Frailty of Old Age. I guess there are worse ways to go.

The 90 minute Skype with celebrant this evening who is lovely.

Feeling utterly wrung out now.

Just phoned to make sure all was ok tonight but didn’t get past hello, and not a “how are you?” before I got “well before we go any further, can you or (my) DH or DC cut the grass this weekend, might have goats in it for all I know.” Ok so my sibling has graced her with a phone call and I’m not doing enough!
@notaflyingmonkey what is grey stone .
I have already said, actually offered last Sunday to do it but we’ve all been working this week. They refuse to get a gardener although they can afford it, was hard enough to get a cleaner agreed. Don’t get me started on the money side, I don’t want an inheritance, just spend if you need to, keep some for care costs but I don’t want it - “ah but your sibling does, they probably need it more than you, don’t be so selfish BaronessSchrader, you can do my garden in a day”
Rant over. Might have a wee glass of red before bed. Hope you are all doing ok, to you all, I know a lot of you have it much harder than me, I don’t have to do day to day personal care, hats off to all of you who are on call 24 hours.

I was a rebellious teen, and I think that was seen by my parents for what it was - my rejection of their values.

I have been attempting to trace my family tree recently, and it has brought home to me how nasty and judgemental my parents were about everyone. I'm been trying to work out whether a particular branch of the family was in fact family or family friends. When I asked DM about the person who may or may not be a cousin, she said how nasty he was as a child, spoilt, horrible character, etc. (He struggled with his sexuality, eventually killing himself).

For those with narcissists around them, I try practicing grey rock when she comes out with stuff like that and I just don't respond. She knows I am judging her though, and claims it's because I give myself airs and graces. I'm also an introvert, but I am a huge lefty, and really struggle with the prejudice.

Hairbrush no, that is not normal but you knew that didn't you?

Oh good Lord hairbrush that sounds horrendous! I really have no idea how you do it.

I can't remember...are there no siblings? Would she consider a companion some of the time?

Like others here I toed the line when I was teenager, and although my boundaries aren't great now, they are better. I have to keep reminding myself that I didn't leave a controlling husband at the age of 40 only for my mother to take over.

She messaged me this morning bemoaning the fact the ten days in no-one was calling her anymore.

I've been here Monday, briefly Tuesday followed by a couple of friends visiting, companion came yesterday and two of her friends called her, I'm back today and tomorrow morning, and one of yesterday's callers is planning to spend the day with her on Saturday.

As an introvert I am totally baffled as to how anyone could possible want even more company .

The trouble is once she is up she is totally dependent on me to get to the bathroom, turn on the tv, help her with the phone. She is furious if I go out without telling her. She actually said to me "I expect you to tell me if you are going out - I need you!" It really isn't normal is it?

She wants me by her side from the moment she gets up until the moment she goes to bed. Today she was cross because I wouldn't stay to have lunch with her - even though I had been with her for an hour, was coming back later for the afternoon and in the past half hour since I came home she has phoned me to ask when I am coming back with dinner to spend the evening with her.

@IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere
I think knot’s walking idea is spot on. I totally understand where you are coming from and I hope it goes well. My teenage rebellion has really just started, and I’m nearly 50, never to late to start apparently. I’ve started confiding in a good friend and she has been through similar, it helps to have a safe space.

Hairbrush I think it's time for you to start walking for the good of your health. You've got plenty of time before the 21st to build up to stopping out for hours at a time at random times. "I went for a walk" won't be a lie because you will have walked to your appointment.

@IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere Are you able to go out to do stuff without her - meet friend, go to a class or the gym etc. My mother doesn't know i see a counsellor but its easy for me cos I don't live with her, but in any event its a private part of my life and she doesn't need to know about it. Are you able to keep things private or does she need to know everything?

The trouble is, for me at any rate, is that I find myself becoming secretive about things or telling white lies & that's something I don't like very much about myself. Would you tell a white lie & tell her you've started to go to an an art group/philosophy discussion group or whatever? Or just that you're calling round to see a friend? Your privacy should be respected but sadly some of our mothers think they have the right to trample all over our boundaries.

@Ieatmarmite
I have hardly any memories of my childhood or teenage years. Is that normal?

I have some lovely memories of childhood but I would say that my abiding feeling about my childhood was that I was bored! I had to be "on display" a lot of the time, it was rude to hide in my room if we had visitors, I couldn't read a book if we had visitors. And we had a LOT of visitors. I think that is partly why I crave solitude now!

I have my first appointment with the counsellor on the 21st, it's a five minute walk from my front door. I am panicking about how I will get out without my mother knowing and how I will cope with her quizzing me when I get back! As someone mentioned a couple of weeks back, it is similar to an abusive relationship. She wants so much control over my life. I was a good child/teen and never rebelled against her. Now I am nearly 60 and still being treated like a child.

@IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere Its so good to hear that you're going to get some counselling. I decided a few weeks ago that I would do the same. I have phone counselling once a fortnight from a lovely counsellor who gives me exercises to do between sessions. I sobbed on the phone in my first session. She's very blunt, almost her first words to me after I'd poured my heart out was "Your mother is a narcissist, whatever you do won't be enough for her". I sort of knew that but it was such a relief to hear someone validate my experience. Hopefully as I have more sessions I will learn to control the horrible FOG that I feel.

I do love my mum but she is a most exasperating person. I was with her this afternoon & evening and I don't think I heard her say a nice thing about anybody - or even a neutral thing. I wonder if she's always been so sour & dissatisfied or if its something that's come on her as she's got older. My DSis says she's always been the same but I have hardly any memories of my childhood or teenage years. Is that normal?

@MereDintofPandiculation

I think a lot of that is fair enough, particularly if you're not going somewhere time dependent.

But when she's got an appointment at a set time, that she will freak out if she's late for and she's not ready when I arrive to pick her up, it grates.