The Cockroach cafe -new look for spring 2021

hairbrush lots of wise words from knot .
I bet counselling just opened the floodgates for you. You have held it all together for so long. And you knot
You both have enabled your ms to stay at home far longer than they could have managed without you.🌺🌺🌺

Hairbrush They are not going to be taken in by her wishful thinking, they can see quite well what she is capable of. My mother also believed that she was managing very well on her own with no help at all whereas the reality was that it was me holding everything up. Don't be afraid to tell every professional you come across the real picture, they see it every day and you will not be judged because you can no longer do the impossible. She's not safe at home and that's the end of it. They are going to give her the opportunity to demonstrate whether her mobility can improve, mum had daily therapy with the physio/OT that was based at the centre.

At the moment she's safe, she's not going anywhere and you could be having a few days at the seaside. Labelling clothes gives you something to be in control of when you're in a situation where formerly everything was in your control but now isn't.

Thanks @Knotaknitter I've ordered now ordered labels.

I honestly don't know if she will come home again. She is struggling so much to walk. Yesterday we were chatting while a nurse was sat on her bed writing up notes (said she was hiding because she was at the desk she would be interrupted!) and mum kept saying the doctors say she is medically fit. Why can't she come home?? And the nurse responded for me "Because it would not be safe!"

Because they are telling her that she feels she has deteriorated. The truth is she was this bad before coming into hospital and it was a huge struggle to care for her. She is completely in denial about her abilities and insists she only needs a little help every now and then.

I had my first counselling session on Monday and spent the rest of the day in tears!

Hairbrush The intermediate care place may do laundry, it's been so long that I can't remember. You have time to order name labels (or find a marker pen) and label clothes as you pack a case for a six week stay. It will save you a job down the line and it's something that you have control over.

Yes, that's the avenue we will go down Sunny. Fingers crossed the plan comes together

Could you say to your mum , it's for a few weeks to try it out to make things better for them both, like a holiday , or perhaps respite ?

You're absolutely right Sunny. The issue is her influence over my sibling is still very strong. So if mum says it's not going to happen it probably won't happen. I've said to her 'so what will happen when you die' for years now and been told 'family will look after them'. So that's me then?? Nope.

Surely if your mother has a diagnosis , without being mean , her opinion should stand for diddily squat ?

Sounds like a fantastic opportunity for your sib to start to live a bit. I hope your DM can be persuaded that it is time to allow them their independence.

Yes, the social worker is great and we are all pushing to make this happen. It's just mum who will potentially scupper the plans. She has form for stopping sibling doing anything (I.e. going on holiday or out for the day)

Has your sibling got a social worker ? If so could they work as a advocate for their best interests ?

We are coming to a potential crunch point with my mum next month. My disabled sibling lives with mum (autistic plus LDs). Mum's dementia has been getting progressively worse as the months go on. She doesn't know who I am now, but is generally pleasant enough when I look after her. She is asleep much of the time,but believes she still looks after my sibling. Anyway, social services have identified a brilliant place for my sibling to move to, first time ever they will have left home, and sibling seems ok with the idea. However, mum has caught wind of the plan and is trying to sabotage. Has huge influence over sibling and wants them to live with her til death. It's horribly stressful.

I met up with my nephew yesterday (he's in his 30s). He told me that he has had to stop going to see my DM because she is always so rude to him, comparing him unfavourably with other relatives, etc. Apparently my parents didn't send him a birthday / xmas card or present after his parents split up, as they blamed his mother for it. Jeez. I thought I got the brunt of it, but it turns out other people in the family get it worse.

rhiannon vent away here. All welcome!
hairbrush enjoy your escape! My god you’ve earntevery precious second.
minty enjoy your break too. Your dm is astonishing
nota how are you doing? And knot hope you are keeping up the good work!
Calm here touch wood! 🤞

I really appreciate all your comments, you are all so kind. We have decided not to go back to her place tonight, but have a calm stress free night here. my Dh has just arrived home and finally can sit down and eat. We will go back tomorrow. Thank you and hope you all have a good evening.,

There's a - not sure what to call it, a way of thinking, a philosophy? - that's often recommended to the families of addicts, called "detaching with love". It's worth a read up on, if you get chance.
I used to get really angry with mum about her choices. I mean, she still winds me up - but I accept that I can't change her, and I'm not responsible for her. You're not responsible for your mum Rhannion. By the sound of it everything that you can put in place you have put in place for her safety. What else does she need?

Mine's shitfaced again and making nuisance calls to the ambulance people. Fortunately in our house we don't take phone calls after 7pm so oh dear what a shame her Lifeline will have to deal with her issue. (I've sorted her out once already today. Not doing it twice.)

No one here will worry about taking over. We've all done it when our elderlies have been at their most difficult. You sound as if you really prioritised your mum and so when she dismissed her care package and is permanently rude to your DH, it's not surprising that you feel so frustrated and helpless. You've said you are stuck. Let's hope there are things you can do which might not put things back to exactly how they were before but can at least prioritise you and your DH, DS again.
You sound as if you have had an almighty awful year.
DH is having a pretty torrid time with MIL. When elderlies get to a certain age and have blissfully ignored all repeated advice to future proof, being house bound is inevitable. In my book , everyone else paying the consequence of their bad decisions shouldn't be inevitable.

Welcome Rhannion to the club that nobody wants to be a member of.

TBH my thoughts on reading you posts were 'fuck that'. What a shit situation all round. If your mum can't appreciate what you are doing - I would back away and let OT or social services put a care plan in place for her. You have your own family.

Rhannion sweetheart, don't apologise for saying what you need to get off your chest. This thread is here for everyone who needs it, when they need it. for as long as they need it. I'm pretty sure that most of us here have the anger/guilt t shirt.

Has your mother considered anything that would make her life easier? A move to a ground floor flat might be a start. What would she do if you were not there - would she have a cleaner, those carers she doesn't want? The statutory services would step in if she was not managing on her own but if there's family to do it then they don't need to. It's a different country and I have no idea how things are set up north of the border so I have little to offer except my sympathy.

@Rhannion there's no taking over anything here...it's a safe space to vent as you need and we all need it more or a less at different times and that's cool.

Unfortunately biology can't help your feelings when someone keeps on pushing you to your limits.

I am sorry I’ve taken over the thread here with my woes, I can’t really tell anyone how I feel.,

I am so sorry about your dog, they are so precious and loving. Last year we lost our beautiful irish wolfhound who was my hairy baby and a dear friend of ours died leaving her son an orphan at 18 so last year to this year has been truly awful and I’m still heartbroken. No sympathy from her, “ oh he was an old dog, oh your friend should have acted earlier when she got ill”
I just feel like I hate her and it’s awful to admit that. We have to cope with our beautiful dog dying, a wonderful friend dying , moving country, trying to find our feet again , Dh new job, son having to work online for school as not one school here would take him as he turned 18 during lockdown, it’s been relentless pressure and stress but it’s all about her , her feelings, her needs. She has always been overbearing and very strict with me, still sees me as a wee girl and can’t see that I had my own life since getting my own flat years ago & then getting married, having her only grandchild, having miscarriages, then my dad who was the opposite to her.

Sorry, cross posted with you Rhannion. Actually reading your latest posts I would return. You've given it a go playing by her rules but enough is enough.

Rhannion our lovely dog passed away last month. Ten weeks before he died my faraway student sent us a USB wifi pet camera with remote access for £25 off amazon. From 400 miles away she would watch him in his bed a couple of times through the night to check he hadn't a seizure, fallen off it etc while we slept as for a while we had been doing bedside vigils. It even had a voice control where she could call out to him. (Actually that was really surreal and frightening the first time.) My DSis and I said we wished such technology had existed when we were in the thick of things with our parents.