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Elderly parents
Original poster

My dad has sexually harassed his cleaner

132 replies

TubbyMcFatfuck · 11/03/2021 21:54

Hi, have been lurking here for a while but this is my first post on this board. I have an issue with my 75 yr old dad and could use some perspective and advice. Sorry if this is long

My mum died 6yrs ago and shortly after my dad had a stroke. He suffered physical and mental impairment. He recovered reasonably well but hasn’t regained all of his physical or mental function. As a result of his ill health he can no longer work having previously been a workaholic. He lost his wife, his health, his work and raison d’etre within the space of a few months. His personality has changed to a large extent and sometimes it’s very hard to recognise the person he is now as my previously kind, loving and doting dad.

His health has not been great over the past 6 years. He is prone to self neglect, is depressed has poor mobility and struggles to cope with day to day tasks. Lockdown has not helped and after a 6 week hospital stay last year, he now has carers going in twice a day as well as district nurses and a physio. We also got him a cleaner as the house was getting in a state.

Today the owner of the cleaning company contacted me and told me that my dad has been what amounts to sexually harassing his cleaner for weeks. Making comments about her taking off her top, telling her he’ll get in the shower with her and wash her as well as cuddling, nuzzling into her neck and kissing her neck.

I am absolutely devastated about this. I am in total shock that my once lovely and respectful dad would do this to a young woman coming into his house to do her job . I am disgusted at the thought of him treating her like this. If this had happened to a friend or relative if mine I’d be telling them to consider going to the police.

I have contacted the care team to find out if he’s behaved like this with any of his carers before but couldn’t get through so have left a message for them.

Obviously I need to speak to him but how do I go about dealing with this? I am absolutely fuming at him and was ready to head over there today to read him the riot act but for various reasons wasn’t able to go. I am going tomorrow with my husband though.

I spoke to my sister about this earlier today to let her know. She lives abroad and is therefore not as involved. She was initially angry about it but has since text me to say that she’s had a long think and while she agrees what he’s done is terrible, she’s not angry and sees him as someone who is lonely, vulnerable and confused and that this is common in elderly people like our dad.

I’m really struggling with this. Can anyone offer any advice as to how to address this?

OP posts:
Original poster
TubbyMcFatfuck · 11/03/2021 23:00

Thank you all for the replies. You are all so kind

There is no formal diagnosis of dementia. They scanned his brain when he was in hospital in September last year and found no evidence. That’s not to say that there isn’t dementia there now right enough. Would it escalate so quickly? Wouldn’t there be other signs?

He definitely has mental capacity and plenty self-awareness. There has definitely been mental impairment caused by the stroke but if you didn’t know him pre-stroke then you might not really notice. The depression and lack of physical mobility are his main issues. The depression is quite debilitating and the reason why he has the carers in.

If I speak to him, he will definitely understand it’s wrong. My fear and gut feeling is that he will deny or minimise as this is what he always does when confronted with something unpleasant that he doesn’t want to deal with.

I will be notifying his carers of course. The cleaner says she is ok about going back if I speak to him but I really do not think this is a good idea at all and would rather source a male cleaner.

I have read the link and will look at Headway. Thank you so much

OP posts:
Justlovedogs · 11/03/2021 22:50

Agree this is likely down to his health and other age related issues. Not quite the same, but my dad started making racial remarks about the hospital staff caring for him. He had been diagnosed with dementia and was deteriorating quite badly. Totally out of character and not things he would have ever said previously. Staff were really good and took little notice as it wasn't that unusual with elderly patients.
No really helpful advice, I'm afraid, but I doubt reading him the riot act would help. I'd probably be speaking to his GP and/or social worker about his care needs? It sounds (to me) like you're reaching the point where a residential care setting might be more appropriate. Sending hugs, OP. The elderly parents things is no fun. Flowers

TheSockMonster · 11/03/2021 22:41

I don’t usually make apologies for men’s behaviour, but it does sound like there could be a medical reason for his behaviour.

If that turns out to be the case it might be better to just focus on what you can change to prevent the behaviour upsetting anyone. Would he behave better with a male cleaner? Or perhaps a brain injury charity like Headway could advise?

Flowers
HotPenguin · 11/03/2021 22:40

Oh dear, I'm sorry you are dealing with this. I think the way you approach it will depend on how much mental capacity he has and whether you think he has self control. If you tell him his behaviour is unacceptable, will he understand or feel ashamed do you think? I think you need to be completely open with your new cleaner (I assume the current one won't continue) and agree strategies to stop it happening again, for example, could they leave the room he is in and only clean the other rooms?

Trumplosttheelection · 11/03/2021 22:38

I think it's clear that this is a consequence of his condition. It's not malevolent BUT it's still not acceptable for any woman to experience it. You need to think about how you can keep people safe in his home. Perhaps arrange carers and cleaner for the same time?

Missingthebridegene · 11/03/2021 22:34

I worked with people with brain damage and sexually inappropriate comments were pretty standard! It's just the lack of inhibition. It's still upsetting but I'd try not to be angry if possible x

Joeblack066 · 11/03/2021 22:26

Hi OP- so sorry you’re going through this.

I do hope that this helps -

www.alzheimers.org.uk/get-support/publications-and-factsheets/dementia-together-magazine/help-husbands-inappropriate-sexual-behaviour

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