Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Elderly parents
Original poster

My Dad is permanently disappointed

61 replies

Sharonthecat · 10/03/2021 17:25

... and I'm not sure how to deal with it anymore. I'd be really grateful for honest opinions and any advice going!
My Mum died 4 years ago, which was obviously very hard on my Dad. For the first year or so he came over to us twice a week for a meal and to have a trip out of the house. I'd also occasionally go to his house, though admittedly not as often as we don't drive and he lives about 20 miles away. That was really his only contact with people. He speaks to one of my brothers, but he lives 300 miles away and has a disabled DD so can't travel easily. Pre Covid my Dad would go down once or twice a year to see him. That's the extent of his social contact. I have suggested he go and visit my Mums brothers and sisters, join a photography group, find a hobby, all the normal things that you'd suggest to ease loneliness. He has absolutely refused them all.
Just over a year ago, my Dad decided he would no longer come and visit us as he felt my husband wasn't welcoming enough. My husband is an understated character who sees my Dad as family, so whilst I disagree completely that he is unwelcoming, I accept that you will not receive balloons and fanfare just because you come to visit. Obviously, this has meant we see my Dad less, as he will only come when my husband isn't here. Almost weekly I suggest that me and my DS get the train over for a visit, but my Dad says no. I can't really get to the bottom of why, but he generally says we will only be over for a few hours so what's the point? I call my Dad daily, which is not the same as a visit, but I like to speak to him and thought he liked it too.
Anyway. I spoke to him today and asked if he would like to come over on Saturday. My husband is at work on Saturday. I then said, it would be nice if you come whilst DH is here one day Dad. Nothing aggressive, just fact. What I got then is a list of what I am doing wrong I'm not supporting him. Apparently he's never felt welcome enough to 'just pop in' - he's more than welcome, he really genuinely is, we would love it. He said that when his mum was elderly he had her move in, and pointed out he hasn't even stayed the night here. That's valid, he hasn't, because he wont see DH, and would never actually say yes to the request anyway! He also said I wasn't proactive enough on helping him and should just 'do things' for him. I see a degree of truth in this, maybe I should just turn up on his doorstep, but I work, have a 6 year old DC and a shift worker husband. I need a degree of planning and the thought that I'd actually be welcome wouldn't go amiss either.
Apparently I don't have an opinion on anything either. This is absolutely not true. I have opinions and am able to express them - whether he listens or not is up to him.
So, yes. I'm left feeling pretty upset. I honestly feel like I have been doing my best, but perhaps I could be doing better. I'd appreciate peoples thoughts on this.
I love my Dad, but he is often angry, very ranty and to be honest, a difficult character. On the other hand, I do love him and don't want him to be lonely. What would you do? At the moment I don't feel like I want to speak to him for a few days, but I'm not sure if this is cruel.
Thanks in advance xx

OP posts:
WhiteBricks · 10/03/2021 18:23

He sounds like my Grandmother. She's too old and frail now to go out and do anything- but even when she could, she had a million reasons why she couldn't or wouldn't. She heaped (and probably still does) so much guilt on my Mum. My Dad refused to see her for a while as she was so vile to my Mum. I don't have any advice but I wouldn't start doing things for him "just because" when you have a small child and your own responsibilities.

Original poster
Sharonthecat · 10/03/2021 18:17

@TheGirlOnTheLanding that's really good advice, thank you. I don't want things to stay the same, so we need to have a conversation and see what can be done.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sharonthecat · 10/03/2021 18:15

In our conversation today, it felt like he didn't like or respect me. Like he views me as below standard if I'm being honest. This is how he sees most people, so it shouldn't be a surprise I suppose.
He wants me to do things differently/more. I just don't know if I can.

OP posts:
TheGirlOnTheLanding · 10/03/2021 18:15

It does sound as though he's angry with the world and taking it out on you, possibly because he's stuck at that stage in his grief or just because he's angry generally. I think you're perfectly within your rights to tell him - calmly - how hurt you are by what he said and to ask him exactly what he'd like to change so that you can assess if any of it is feasible and if you want to do what he is asking. Clearly he doesn't want to move in with you if he doesn't feel welcome for a visit, you can't move in with him, and you're not - you can't be - solely responsible for keeping him company when you have a job and a family, so he needs to find another acceptable way of coping with his loneliness.

Echobelly · 10/03/2021 18:15

I do think negativity can get stronger in some people as they got older and it seems to become some sort of comfort blanket in a perverse way. If you always expect to be disappointed, you can never really be disappointed, IYSWIM.

I guess one just needs to not take it personally - though it sounds like you don't anyway, which is the best attitude to have

Original poster
Sharonthecat · 10/03/2021 18:11

@Makegoodchoices I was a baby so can't be 100% honest about this. However, he worked full time and my Mum didn't work, so I guess that's your answer.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sharonthecat · 10/03/2021 18:10

@kennelmaid he is 76. Still mobile and healthy.

OP posts:
Makegoodchoices · 10/03/2021 18:08

When his mum was elderly and he had her move in - did he do all the caring, or did he drop that onto your mother?

kennelmaid · 10/03/2021 18:05

There's just no pleasing some people and your dad sounds like one of those people. How old is he?

Original poster
Sharonthecat · 10/03/2021 17:59

@RandomMess thank you. I think he's honestly a mixture of selfish and depressed, whilst being unwilling to address it.
I am usually the peace maker in my family but I'm not so sure I'm willing to just roll over this time. I'm a lot stronger than I used to be and would like to genuinely understand if I have neglected him in some way before I choose what to do. I appreciate your comment.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 10/03/2021 17:35

Honestly he sounds like he has a victim mentality and utterly selfish.

Either that or very depressed BUT your comments about his life long behaviour indicate that no matter what you do he will complain and it won't be enough.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.