My Dad is permanently disappointed

Have you seen the Stately Homes thread. It seems you are stuck in the FOG, fear, obligation and guilt. He sees your services as duty. What do your siblings do for him? Is he choosing you as you are the girl? Does he seriously expect you to drop your husband for him? Spend less family time to please him? By saying things like he doesn't stay over when he doesn't even want to be there with your husband showing how far off his ideas are. He has picked something impractical on purpose. Because it won't happen so he will forever be disappointed. You need to work out what he practically needs, what you are willing to do and STICK to your boundaries. He will no doubt want more and more as he gets older. How much you do is up to you, not him. So don't give too much now that, if you want to, you can't give more time in future. And if some practical help is needed can he get a cleaner in, gardener etc

Chimoia has some great advice. I think that you have been accommodating enough. Please don't be guilted into doing more than you are willing too.

If he's bored or lonely, ask him what he's doing about it.

If you do discuss what he needs doing, which might be a good idea, point out how he can arrange all of this stuff himself.

I also agree with the poster who said that you need to stop only seeing your DF when your DH isn't there. The summer is coming and you need some days of it just being you and DS. If DF can't handle being on your home with the people that you love, that really is his choice.

If my "D"M is ever unpleasant to me in her home I just leave. I'm sure she'll work out one day that if she's awful she sees less of me but it hasn't happened yet but I least I don't have to sit there listening to it.

Mere but he's been lucky to get to old age. There are no guarantees for the young.

Everyone can expect the best life they can but not at someone else's expense.

He wants you to drop your husband and move back in with him and service his needs instead

He may or may not allow your child to come

He is AWFUL

It just feels so callous when someone tells you you should have made the most of it when you were young, you’ve had your chance, no need to hope for anything good in the future.

He is very lucky to have you. What a shame he doesn't appreciate you!

You need to care less and put your needs ahead of his.

I have very similar issues with my Mum. In her ideal world, she would live with us and we would do everything for her. That will never happen as she is just too needy/suffocating. Also, nothing would ever be enough for her.

Offer what you are comfortable to give. It is very doubtful he will ever understand your position so there is little point in explaining yourself. Invite him over when it suits you. If he doesn't want to come and would prefer to sit at home on his own stewing that's his prerogative. His happiness is not your responsibility.

Mere of course. But her DF has a lot less to lose.

Say to him calmly 'you have been fairly unpleasant to me recently, when I am trying to help and support you. I'm here if you want anything but you will have to call me and you will have to compromise and be polite to me and dh, otherwise our support will not be there in the future. Getting angry at me won't help you and it hurts me. I won't be putting up with it anymore.

This is good advice.

Pull back op, he doesn’t have any right to speak to you like this.

Wonder if he would be so demanding if you was male- I think not!

As a women he expects you to look after him- but it’s 2021 and women work now a days.

You do enough.

He sounds like my Grandmother. She's too old and frail now to go out and do anything- but even when she could, she had a million reasons why she couldn't or wouldn't. I do this, it's one of the ways I recognise I'm sinking into depression. And OP thinks he may be depressed so that would explain that. OP - definitely not your fault! And if what you're doing doesn't help his depression, keeping on doing it or doing more of it certainly won't. Someone may be able to help him - but not you.

There's a pattern emerging - he doesn't like the partners of his children. That's a bit of an unhealthy dynamic. It's up to him to sort himself out and bear the consequences of his own actions - don't be running circles around him to give him access to you without your DH; if he can't manage with limited access he'll either have to lump it or learn to cope with your DH.

I think you're right, you have to "care less". My family were quite good at saying "it's just what he's like" and not taking it personally. I had a good relationship with my mother and we had a lot of fun together. But one or two of the things she said to me would have MN screaming at me to go NC. So you can either decide that you want to continue your relationship with your Dad and partition off a lot of his behaviour as "it's just what he's like"; or you can decide his behaviour is too bad to be tolerated. But rest assured it's not you. Live life by your standards not by his beliefs.

He ... has had the best of his life. I hate this phrase! Everyone should be able to have the best life they can, whether they are young or old.

He sounds like a misogynistic arse tbh.

Focus on your DH and DC. If you ain't good enough for him he can get perfection from his sons!

He sounds fairly unpleasant tbh, and with respect, has had the best of his life. You have all yours to live.
We save all our lives to ensure we are cared for and safe in old age by buying in services as needed. Not expecting busy young family with jobs and DC of their own to jump to, let alone move in!! No decent parent would surely let their DC be so tied down with that burden indefinitely?
Never mind 'doing better!' He is your dad, not your boss. You are equals and your DH and DC are your priority. His wants do not trump yours. And if he's made no plans to improve his quality of life living alone as an elderly person which is on the cards for all of use, he will live with the consequences of those choices.

In the nicest possible way your main responsibilities are to your children and DH. They are the people you need to prioritise.

I spent years caring for my depressed and anxious mother before she died. No matter how much I did it was never enough.

Eventually I got pregnant with dc1 and had to massively step back. I truly believe that she appreciated the things I did more when I did less but I couldn't make her happy and it sounds like your dad can't be "made happy" either. Do what you can without it negatively impacting the rest of your family. If you want to try to explain it to him do but don't expect him to understand/accept what you're saying.

Say to him calmly 'you have been fairly unpleasant to me recently, when I am trying to help and support you. I'm here if you want anything but you will have to call me and you will have to compromise and be polite to me and dh, otherwise our support will not be there in the future. Getting angry at me won't help you and it hurts me. I won't be putting up with it anymore. '

We have an uneasy relationship, not helped by the fact that I now live abroad...haven’t seen him for over a year. ☹️ He’s also not on his own ( has my step-Mum) and seeing how difficult he can be with her has opened my eyes! I just try to be nice to him and think of things I can do to make his life easier- like ordering things online for him at the moment and keeping in touch regularly. We have the odd blow-up, though, when he says something that’s totally ridiculous. I never used to call him out when he basically invented things to suit his narrative, but now I do!

In your shoes, I’d continue to be nice to him, do what you can for him, but don’t tie yourself in knots trying to please him. Your Dad seems to be looking for problems atm, e.g. your DH not being nice enough to him.

So he likes to cut off his nose to spite his face, and seems to be thinking that he should move in with you and you can do everything for him.
Please do not pick up any more! You have your own life, things have changed a lot in the last decades since he took in your DGM for your DM to nurse.
I've seen another thread on here tonight where a daughter is not wanting to continue to care for her father who has abused her all of her life. She needs to step back, and you need not to step up. People are responsible for their own happiness and life, when they are as able as your DF is. Don't throw yourself under the bus. It's what women did in their day, but times have changed. A lot.

M Dad is similar and seems to expect me to fix his life/problems and be constantly thoughtful towards him-yet he can be as unkind to me as he pleases!

I agree with @TheGirlOnTheLanding that you should have a conversation with him, but equally, don’t expect miracles. If someone wants to be angry with the world, they will be. My Dad has always been a glass half full type of person and it’s not changing now he’s elderly.

He doesn’t want to share your attention with another man, and he thinks women are there to serve him.

And especially when he doesn't respect you and is rude to you!!