My Dad is permanently disappointed

[quote Sharonthecat]@Viviennemary you are correct! He is bored but won't like any suggestions........ I hope that as lockdown eases he sees he has an opportunity to get out there and do something.[/quote]
Don't count on it!

My brother and I have suggested lots of things to my Mum. It has usually fallen on deaf ears though. She does do things but her life literally revolves around shopping and lunch/coffee out with various friends. Her world is very small which is a shame.

It sounds like he is disappointed you haven't asked him to move in with you, to look after him and be his entertainment.

There isn't any logic about the way he is feeling. You sound caring and doing your best. Which is a lot more than some folk. I don't think your Dad has anything to complain about as regards you. But he's probably feeling depressed and miserable which is absolutely not your fault. I suppose everything you suggest he doesn't like. E.g. looking up old friends, hobbies and so on.

Yes, we do our best to laugh about it. My brother is really good at seeing the humour in it all.

Solidarity @SozzledSausage - and I read what @BunnyRuddington said and that rings true too!!

It’s so important to find it funny and tease yourself / them with it - if you don’t, the leaping to conclusions will drive you crackers. I say I have a call at 11am so will ring 30 mins later than she would like - (she wants me at 11am but I can’t!) to discuss whatever she wants to discuss and this is some profound declaration of abandonment from me, saying I am bored of her small talk, am probably looking for care homes, hate her dog and wish I’d never been born.

You truly can only turn this in to an anecdote. And the upside is I will never ever be like this!

I think it is boredom. My mum sits in her flat and cooks up all sorts of imaginary things I have done wrong. A classic was having a go at me for not inviting her to things at the kids school - but at senior school the kids no longer did any shows so there was nothing to invite her to. That answer did not seem to make any difference to her mood.
I finally realised after one particularly unpleasant tirade that nothing I did would ever be good enough, she was always going to be disappointed in me. So I stopped trying because whether I saw her everyday or once a month she would still be unhappy. I now do whatever I want because I've finally grasped what I do makes no difference to her opinion of me. Takes a while to work past the guilt - she played the guilt game for years and it was deeply ingrained - but I am now a fully fledged member of the 'give no fucks' school of thought. Come join us - plenty of room over here.

@CrabPuff

Yes! Especially....

If I say I can’t do fabric shopping to choose curtains for your summer house, because I have an immovable meeting it DOES NOT MEAN I HATE YOU. It literally means I cannot do that time and you should enjoy it alone or reschedule. I just said I would love to but...

I don’t know if I can be helpful but I’ll share my experience and maybe it could resonate? My DM is widowed and of a....type? Generation? Who is so busy second guessing what you “really” mean that it takes hours to persuade you mean what you say. Eg -
“X’s funeral is happening, they say they want you to attend but I’m sure they’re just being polite, you don’t have to.”

I see this as my DM saying any of the following.
A) you’re wanted, you weren’t left out, come to the funeral, you loved her.
B) they don’t want you but they wanted to mention you so you didn’t feel left out, don’t come, they would have been more emphatic if they reeeally wanted you there, they’re just polite - Jesus, don’t book a ROOM, you’re so presumptuous you hardly knew him compared to me.
C) I know you are too busy to attend, I wouldn’t impose on your conscience, you barely called them and you don’t support me.

With the end result potentially being; “you never attended X’s funeral, you were too busy with your career and it was really sad.”

That is one tiny example. Eventually I had to say to her; when people tell you what they think, just believe them.

When I say can I come for Easter Sunday, assume I want to come for Easter Sunday. Do NOT spend hours trying to work out what I really mean. Do I mean “I feel obligated to turn up for Easter Sunday when I hate everything about it and my mother is old?” No. I do not. I can politely get out of Easter Sunday lunch 40 times over. If I say I want to be there I mean it.
If I say I can’t do fabric shopping to choose curtains for your summer house, because I have an immovable meeting it DOES NOT MEAN I HATE YOU. It literally means I cannot do that time and you should enjoy it alone or reschedule. I just said I would love to but...

Maybe it’s just my DM but her desire to cynically read between the lines and disbelieve anything anyone says and try to second guess their real meaning drove me crazy. We are now at an equilibrium of “believe them and if they didn’t mean it, the result is their fault”.

I don’t know if that helps at all, but it has been cathartic for me! Best of luck.

Hi OP, I found your thread after a frustrating call with my DM who is apparently never happy with any of the vast effort I feel I make since my Dad died a few years ago. It is exhausting.

And stop feeling guilty! I know it’s easier said than done but there is no need.

You need to step right back. Tell him he can visit and he can arrange that himself.

Stop offering to visit him and cut right back on phone calls. Daily calls give him too much space in your head.

It’s not up to you to sort out your dad’s issues. It all sounds unpleasant and wearing. Set boundaries now and stick to them.

@Sharonthecat I don’t think you need explicitly tell him he must start coming over with your DH there. Just start by mentioning DH will by there, and let him realise he’s not going to see you if he waits till DH is not there.

How did your mum handle your dad?

Oh OP I could have written your original post myself a few years ago.

After mum died my dad gradually became the grumpiest, most selfish, miserable, cantankerous old git you could imagine.

But I loved him dearly, and he did me. He just saved all his misery up and I got it both barrels. And then he'd get upset with himself for taking it out on me, when I was 'the best'.

Mostly I took it on the chin; occasionally I pointed out his behaviour.

Dad died a couple of years ago, and I miss him every day. My only advise to you would be to look after yourself, but try not to let your relationship with him break down. You obviously love him dearly. Good advice to try and talk to him, and maybe your husband too.

Good luck.

With him not coming over when your DH is there, well that works in your favour you only invite him when DH is there and he can either come over or not.

Rather a win if he refuses isn't it!

I've had another think on this one and I think that you may need to be more straightforward with him.

you should be more proactive and just do things for him

Dad, I work and have a house and family to sort out.

I'm lonely

What are you doing about that?

I don't feel welcome

Dad, you're always welcome and just change the subject.

My "D"M is somewhat like this, the only difference is that she doesn't actually tell us what she wants, expects us to do things for her without ever knowing what those things are and then tells everyone how awful we are for not doing the things which she's never said she wanted doing. So at least your DF is telling you what he wants, even if those requests are a bit bonkers unreasonable

Well done in putting some space between you and not calling him tonight, I hope you get chance to do something positive for yourself

Everyone can expect the best life they can but not at someone else's expense. Yes, that's something we can agree on!